Hi,

I am new here; and, unfortunately, my being here is not exactly a case of joy (wish it would be - but that's not the subject of this Forum anyway).
I am here because my tom cat León has done what 'Hensley the cat' did - ran off, and was found by me three days later by the roadside, having been hit by a car apparently.
It was a shock I haven't been able to overcome for two weeks now. It was so sudden and unexpected. He was one who enjoyed his freedom and liked to roam. He stayed out two days and nights in a row sometimes. But when three days had gone past I went in search for him - that was on Dec. 27th - and found him dead ....
He had been lying there for a day already, I was told by neighbours, so it must have happened on the night of Dec. 25./26. I reproach myself for not having reacted sooner .. but, used as I was by then to his outings I told myself not to overreact and wait (I am usually the kind that always fears the worst when my furkids don't stick to their 'times'). As it turned out I was right to worry.
León had come to me from a shelter in Spain, the only survivor of a litter of 4 - his siblings having been put down some time early last year due to an outbreak of FIV at the shelter. He was only one year old.
He's the second cat I loose at such a young age within the space of 2 years, and it is causing me considerable emotional problems. I have such trouble coping.
I stand in the garden every night now (where we buried him) and talk to a heap of earth; I think 'My God - he must be cold down there in this wet hole' and I want him back so desperately I try to bargain with whatever power is above.
I am not, I have to admit, a religious person - so I have no real faith to help me here. I struggle, I lash out at others, I cry. I have heard nothing but platitudes since that day - even the people closest to me seem reluctant to tackle the issue and people tell me 'it's two weeks now that you're grieving for an animal - it is about time you came off it'.
What can I do ?
I'm told I MUST let go; and yet it seems so wrong to commit him to memory and 'get on with it'. The thought of how I found him, a stiff and cold corpse with one eyeball out of its socket - I can't rid myself of it. It's imprinted on my mind and it overlays everything else. Every happy thought or emotion flees screaming before my bad conscience that tells me I am basically 'laughing at a funeral'.
Has anyone here got any advice for me ? I am at my wits', and my energy's end.

Thank you,
Diana

Dear Diana,

First, my condolences on the loss of León. I know how much our pets can become part of our families and how much it hurts to lose them.

Please don’t second-guess yourself about your actions. There is no way you could have known that he was not off happily doing whatever cats do when they are off exploring. Everyone feels guilt when their pet dies, no matter if we are with them when it happens or not, whether their end is peaceful or otherwise. It sounds like you sort of rescued León and loved him as much as anyone could have. He was a gift and so are your good memories of him.

I am lucky enough to have many cat lovers as friends and they absolutely understand how traumatic the loss of my Trixie was. I know, however, that others are not as fortunate. You have everyone here, though. And you might want to check out available pet loss support hot lines where maybe you can speak to someone in person. For me, I feel very sorry for those who tell others to “get over it” or “it was just a cat/dog, etc”. Then I know that they have never experienced the unconditional love and joy that a pet can bring. They just don't get it and it's usually no use trying to explain.

Everyone grieves in his or her own way and there is no timetable you should be following. You have to take as long as it takes. That’s it. The guilt is a big hurdle to overcome, though. My husband and I are planning a couple of vacations this year and I find myself feeling very guilty over planning any sort of fun. Sometime I feel like the better I feel, the farther away she goes. I hope that time will make this better.

I’m not a particularly religious person either but I do believe that people and animals move on to a different place. Energy doesn’t disappear; it just changes form, right?

Love,

Kai

Dear Diana,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I, too, have been told to "get over" the loss of my dog. Just yesterday a coworker said to me "you're still not in mourning are you?" and it has not even been one week for me. I felt as though he belittled my loss. The people here have been very kind to me and having read their posts I know I'm not crazy or alone. I hope you can find comfort here as I have. And go ahead and cry, your pet is worth all the tears in the world.

Take Care,
Tracey

If only more of us could realise how true that is.

I have a friend who is the most caring person in the whole world, she has helped so so many children in her life that the saints themselves will be waiting to receive her when her time comes.
But she just cannot understand the heartache of loosing a pet, she has lost cats and although she is loving to them, she just does not bond with them, which is sad for her and I find it difficult to understand her as she does me but I guess that’s what gives us all our individuality.

But for someone to say get over it with no thought to your feelings then I'm afraid that person not only has no compassion for animals but for humans either and I wonder who will be waiting for them when they die, not any of us that’s for sure.

My own mother could not understand the deep deep feelings I had for my dogs Jude and Sadie, yet she cried for me when they went as she understood that just because she cannot bond with an animal she new how deeply attached to them I am.

Don’t think ill of the people that are not helping you with your grief, understand that they have a lot to learn about people and their feelings, and I guess its our job to help them in their lessons in life as we have already learned ours.

God Bless you all

Love Sue

Dear Diana,

Have to agree with the others... screw the people who don't understand. Do try to feel sorry for them bc they do not know the love of a pet -- it is that love that causes the grief when they go.

I don't know what to say about your last image of Leon. When we put Freyja to sleep, our last image was not pleasant either. She bit the vet! In 14 years, she NEVER bit anyone... But she bit that vet trying to put her down. Sometimes, I just lie awake thinking of that...

Perhaps you could surround yourself with pictures of Leon in his vigor --? I made a caldendar of my dear beloveds who passed in 2003 -- all three of my first babies passed that year...

Guilt is part of the package, I am afraid. I can't tell you how to get over it even tho I've been on the board 6 mos. Just do your best, and be very very gentle with yourself.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear All,

thank you so much for your lovely and comforting posts. I was truly overwhelmed by your responses.
I'll try to answer each one of you as best I can - please bear with me even if I should repeat myself.

Dear Kai,

I know that it is pretty pointless to go over the same ground over and over again - reproaching myself for basically not following León wherever he went and making sure he would not get himself hurt. That is impossible. I have been told that when a cat spends a lot of time outdoors (and there's many who say that to lock a cat up for life is cruel) one must always live with the risk that something might happen to him/her. I, as do all in this situation, always hope that all will go well. And, not very long ago, I discussed the matter with a friend, I said that I would rather have my cat(s) run over and know for sure they're dead rather than them just disappering and never knowing what happened to them. That was in reference to a lot of cats being stolen lately and presumably either skinned for their fur or sold off to research labs. And, true, that's how I thought.
I just didn't expect that situation to become a reality so soon - and my 'wish', in a way, come true.

Yes, I 'rescued' León from a shelter in Spain - where his 3 siblings were euthanized not long after he came to me. Had he stayed he would probably have died at the same time. So at least he had 1,5 years with me/us. Although, of course, I had hoped for him to be granted a long, happy life of some 20 years. It was not to be apparently.
I can only hope that he was dead on the spot and did not suffer.

The people who I was complaining about as lacking understanding for my present grief are, funny enough, themselves cat owners (although I like the term guardian much better - I would never call myself the 'owner' of my furkids). My parents have had their cat for the last 15 years. And they call it their fourth child (me and my two siblings being the first three). They are so mad about her that, in happier times, we would joke that when SHE would die we would have to dig three holes in the garden, not one ...
Yet still, when another, like myself, experiences a loss, they tend to wave it off fairly quickly as an issue of lesser importance. It's been a running joke among use here that THEIR cat is one thing - and that OTHER's cats are another. I have often been made the laughing stock in the past for my tendency to get myself 'ordinary' ESH (European short hair) cats from shelters when my parents had a Persian mix of, to their mind, superior intelligence.
That's the one party.
The other is the family of my sister. They too had a cat until two years ago when she died of cancer. So one would expect a certain level of tolerance from them. But not so.
Where my parents term their cat their child, for my brother in law it is just 'an animal'. Not part of the family per se, just another creature to feed and spend money on when it's sick. When it dies, one disposes of the body and that's that. I have been reproached severely before Christmas for placing a small christmas bouquet on the double grave of their cat and my little Cicero who died in 2002 and who is buried in their garden. I was told to get off it and not perform such a cult to the dead - which they feel is entirely inappropriate - especially for an animal. Because of one little bouquet of greens ??
That's a different view to that of my parents (and certainly to mine) - but it comes to much the same for me.

I also experience what you do in respect to feeling guilty for having fun. I fear that when I give up grieving and feeling miserable I start to forget and to lose him for good. I hang on to that feeling like one drowning; forbid myself even the smallest of smiles or enjoying a nice meal for fear of besmudging his memory. I identify HIM with the pain I feel - as if they were one and the same: if the pain goes so does he.

Same as you (although neither of us is particularly religious) I truly hope that the spirits of the deceased go to a place - a better one hopefully; and that that place is not a 'Humans only' Club.
May I ask when your Trixie has passed away ?

Love,
Diana

------------------------------------

Dear Tracey,

I am sorry to hear that you have also lost a loved one recently. Please accept my belated condolences.
Yes, I can certainly imagien how you must have felt yesterday after such an insensitive question. And no, you are not crazy. Nor am I, I hope.
Perhaps, at such a time, one is more sensible of the coldness of the world - the Human world, mind you. Concern for animals is still often looked upon as a weakness or a luxury for those who have 'nothing better to do'.
Me, I lead a single life (as far as concerns another Human) with my cats. And I bond with them as I probably would with a (Human) family of my own. Hence losing a member hits me harder perhaps than someone who has the support of a partner and children. In a tight corner I therefore often turn to the family that raised me and I have grown up with - which, as I said above, most of the time causes more problems than it solves.
Sad as it may be in terms of my relationship with my family, I find more comfort and help in the company of strangers - for which I am truly grateful.
It was an inspiration to come here.

Love,
Diana

----------------------------------------

Dear Sue,

I thank you for your words of wisdom and support.
Through all the pain of the partings we know will come eventually it is good to remember that the love we feel and and the help we can give - if even for a short time or in a small measure - is worth every tear we shed when the time has come to say Goodbye.
'Better to have loved for a short time than to have never loved at all'

Love,
Diana

------------------------------------------------

Dear Jennifer,

thank you too for your post.
I just wanted to comment quickly on the issue of the 'last image'.
I sometimes curse my photographic memory that needs only one look at a 'thing' and stores it apparently where I always have the best view of it. That can either be a nice image or a bad one. It was the same when little Cicero was put to sleep in 2002 - the vet bungled it and I held him in my arms for 45 minutes after he had been given the anaesthetic - and he was still awake ! He had to be given another shot, and only after that the drug that stopped his heart and breathing. It was a nightmare, and that sits in my memory so vividly that it might as well have been yesterday.
I can look at pretty photographs of him today and not immediately start to weep, but it is always there.
León, unfortunately, was never one to sit still for a photograph. So I have very little.
But it helps me a great deal to be here and to be able to talk about him, and the grief I feel at his passing.
Whom did you lose in 2003 ?

Love,
Diana

He's not in a cold, wet hole. He's off flying through the clouds and hovering over you in your dreams. He died while enjoying his freedom. We can all beat ourselves up with "what if I didn't let him out" or "what if I had looked for him sooner" - but in the end, we gave them love and made our decisions OUT of that love. The world sometimes can seem cruel - but what kind of life would he have had if he was always looking out of the window, wishing he was out there? It sounds like you gave him the life he wanted.

That wasn't HIM you found lying there. That was the shell he used while he was imprisoned in our world. And, like a butterfly, he has now shed that cocoon and is flying high, feeling the warmth of the sun on his wings.

I know, deep within my heart, that he loves you for it.

Diana,

Do you think that maybe they act this way because either a.) your grief makes them have to think about what may be in the future for them and their cats. Maybe they'd rather dismiss you than deal with their feelings or b.) your grief makes them think about the loss of their own pets in the past and all of the attendant guilt, sorrow, helplessness, etc. These were the first things that came to my mind when you said they were cat owners.



Trixie passed away in my home on January the 5th, just over a week ago. She was almost 12 years old and I had her since she was about 2 months old. She had cancer and was in chemotherapy for 5 months. She seemed to feel great for about 4 1/2 months and then there was really nothing else they could do for her.

When Trixie was going through all of the diagnostic testing, she hemorrhaged during one of the procedures and the doctors called us to say that she probably wasn’t going to make it. We should get down there right away if we wanted a chance to say goodbye. Well, they gave her a transfusion and she miraculously bounced back with a vengeance for the next few months. When I thought she was going to die in the hospital, all I could do was appeal to whatever powers there are. I asked for just a little more time to say goodbye and to be able to bring her home.

Well, I got to say goodbye for 5 months. And there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t realize that she could get sick again at any time. In a way, those last months were the most loving times I had with her. When she wanted me, I came running and she would lie down on my chest and sleep while I lay on the couch. We were having a little dinner party one Sunday afternoon in early December and I saw her get up on the arm of the couch. Well, that was the signal! I said, “Well, excuse me everyone. I have to go love my girl for a while.” And I did and they all understood. I think I was very lucky that I got such an incredibly long second chance with her.

I hope you feel better today.

Kai

Dear Kai, dear DJ,

thank you again for the comfort your words bring me.
DJ - yes, I hope you are right and he really is out there somewhere happy and at peace now. Unfortunately I am the 'forever doubting' type, and it takes a lot for me to be convinced of anything. Especially when there is no real proof to grasp and hang on to.

Kai - I am so sorry to hear about Trixie; and yet - I think you cope admirably well. I'm sure she had a happy life with you and passed away surrounded by the love you gave her and she felt for you.

I have created a little memorial on another website for León; and I have to say I feel a little better today after writing a lot of my chest yesterday. At least I didn't break out in tears last night coming home - which is an improvement, I guess.

Here's the link for who's interested:
http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalt...te.asp?ID=37234

God bless you All.

Love,
Diana

What a beautiful, beautiful boy!!!!! He is absolutely striking.

I "joke" that I lost everyone in 2003. We had to put Freyja the dog to sleep (age 14) on May 28. She was arthritic and had Cushings then had a stroke or something that left her paralyzed. My grandmother died on May 29 do to complications resulting from a car accident on April 3. Saki the Siamese (age 12) died in my arms June 19. She had been diabetic for a few years. Then she got liver cancer (saki as a baby is my avatar; we've had all of them since they were babies)... and Electra (age 15) had to be put to sleep Dec. 23. She was born FIV, and after the other two passed started to decline. She went into renal failure...

I've noticed that a lot of people on the board do not have kids. We don't have kids. I think in some ways, childfree people are hit a lot harder by the loss. The time we might have spent caring for human kids goes into our fur kids... and so the loss is different. Not that it does not hurt people WITH kids -- I don't mean that. But while people with human kids get up in the morning and make the human kids breakfast and tuck the human kids in at night and etc-- when you don't have human kids, you do all of that iwth your fur kids. So then, when they are gone -- you don't know what to do with yourself. There are fewer distractions from the pain and the loss...

I am so sorry your human family is not sympathetic to this. That is terrible about their reaction to putting greens on the graves!!!! Please try to keep doing what you feel is right, what gives you comfort and ignore them...

Love,
Jennifer

Jennifer,
I was one of those people who were not going to have kids so we got dogs and then we got the surprise of our lives. The addition of people babies did not in any way lessen the love I have (had) for Molly and Megan (our dogs). Our dogs have always been part of our lives and not a day went by that we did not feed them, walk them, or even tuck them in. In fact, my husband is a night owl so Megan always came to bed with me (on the bed much to my husbands dislike). I've experienced the loss of both of my brothers and I can tell you that the loss of Megan has been just as hard on me if not harder. I am an animal lover and have always said that I prefer the company of furry friends to that of people and although I now have a family I still treasure the time alone I have with my pets ( 2 cats, 1 dog (now), and a hamster). I hope this does not sound angry because I'm not, today is 1 week since I lost Meg and my emotions are a little out of control so I hope I don't offend anyone and if I did I'm sorry.

Tracey

Yes, he 'was'.
All black, apart from a few individual white hairs on his chest. In Europe (where I am), they say, there are no complete black cats left (except for special breeds) since the Middle Ages when people in their ignorance rounded up black cats (thinking them linked to witches and the devil) and burnt them wholesale, literally. So the (regular domestic short hair) black cats these days all have a little white left. Apparently that saved them, in times past, the cruel death on the stake.
And all current black cats are therefore descendants of these few lucky ones.
I am glad, that in this respect at least, Human society has moved on. In most places, not all though ...

Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear about all your losses in 2003. What year it has been for you. Although it seems that all who died in your family were of an age that would perhaps make it a little easier to bear than losing a young individual, a (fur-)child, say. But it's never easy ...

My best wishes to you,
Diana

Dear Tracey,

I am sure nobody here was offended by your reply.
Suffering, as you are, from the recent loss of your Meg, too.

I am, as is Jennifer, someone without children. I understand that you do have kids of your own.
In a way, I do envy your for your (Human) family and the support they undoubtedly give you; especially at times like these.
Sometimes I wish I was in such a position myself; then again, sometimes I do not.
This is not an issue to be decided on lightly, or to be pushed. I simply haven't met the right person yet (and I am approaching 40) - so maybe one day I will. Although it is maybe a bit late by then to have (non-furbearing) children. But who knows.
At present my fur-kids are everything to me; and I often find, I can relate to them better than I can to fellow Humans. I am in favour of honesty and expressing what I feel - not the opposite. I have made certain experiences with Humans that made me, to an extent, lose faith. People can be so mean (I hope I don't sound naive saying this).
I think that is what a lot of people feel when they turn from Humans to animals/pets. This has become a cold world in many ways, and people seek the warmth of true friendship, true companionship some place else. And why not ?
Those, like yourself, in a stable Human relationship, a family who supports them and gives them the feeling of being loved and cared .... are to be envied indeed.
Someone, like myself, leading a single life with (only) my cats for comfort, naturally IS hit harder when one of these individuals dies. And I don't think it matters if that loss is a Human one or an animal. It's who I regard as my 'family' that matters. And, even I had children of my own, I would still grieve the way I do now. But I would have more support and probably be 'past it' quicker. That's the only difference.

Love,
Diana

Tracey:
I was certainly not offended by your reply and I just sincerely hope that you were not offended by my comment regarding people with vs without human babies. As I said, I certainly did not mean that people with kids don't grieve for pets -- they do. I know you are hit hard by your loss of Meg, and you do have my deepest sympathies.

Diana,
Sorry if my use of present tense bothered you. I frequently speak of frey, lec and saki in present tense -- I consider correcting myself-- they I don't. I had noticed I did that with my comment on Leon's beauty, thought about editing it -- then decided not to...

Because he IS a beautiful boy. I REALLY believe that. Wherever he is now, he is out and about being beautiful.

This is an interesting topic ... humans v. furbabies. I am married ... have no children yet and I too am starting to push 40 at this point (although I am not quite there yet). I wouldn't say that having a family helps you get "past" it any quicker ... I think that is an indiviual thing more than anything else. What a family does do is help to combat the lonliness ... but the pain I think is pretty much the same regardless (at least that is the way it appears). I think that being single (and I was single not all that long ago) and living alone makes it harder to ignore the pain ... which in some ways probably does make it seem worse ... But like I said the overall topic is interesting.

Tracey ... again I am sorry for your loss ... that first month was by far the hardest and my heart aches for you and what you are going through.

Diana, please do not be offended by my statements as I did not intend to offend anyone with them. I think it would be much harder to get through this time if I were still single and my heart goes out to you.

Jennifer ... you always make such good points and your words have helped me to muddle through this time and maintain a level of sanity ... I want to thank you for this ... it was nice to know that I wasn't losing my mind ...

hugs to all ...
Beth

Hi, Jennifer,

thank you for this .... it means everything to me to imagine he is now in a happy place waiting ..
Yesterday there was a programme on dealing with the issue of animal consciousness, and with the question whether or not animals had souls. They asked a chap who had his dog beside him if he thought animals did have souls and would go to heaven and he said: "Well, if that were so heaven would be a very crowded place indeed' , in that sort of accusing tone of voice that says 'How CAN you even have such a preposterous idea .."

And no, I did not mean to appear bothered by your use of the present tense. It is just, when I hear myself using it, I think - well, you haven't accepted it yet, have you ?

Lots of love,
Diana

Diana,

I wanted to say something about your last image of Léon, because this is something that has also troubled me greatly. I lost a wonderful parrot last Friday, and I keep seeing the image of my having to force-feed Stanley Sue over the weeks of her illness, because she was too weak to eat enough food on her own. But I think that this image, and the sad image of Léon, will eventually be replaced by better memories.

During the summer, we lost a wonderful rabbit named Walter. He had cancer, and he was quite emaciated at the end of his life. I worried that I would always see Walter in my mind's eye as a sick bunny. But do you know what happened? Months later as I think of Walter, I think of him as a big, comical rabbit hopping into our living room to get into mischief. I do not remember him as sick with cancer. I did not make any effort to replace the thought of an ill Walter with a healthy Walter, it just came of itself with time.

I am taking my sorrow over my parrot Stanley Sue at its own pace, and I will grieve as long as I need to, and I hope you do the same with Léon. And I am certain that the time will come when you will think of him as wonderfully healthy and full of life when you remember him, and your final sad image of him will recede a little bit into the background.

Take care.

Bob

What a STUPID chap.

Was it Mark Twain who said "If there are no dogs in heaven, I want to go where they go...." Ditto on that for all the furry feathered creatures...

Dear Beth,

I hope this still reaches you - I am late in replying and you may have given up looking into here by now.
No, I was not offended by anything you said.
I may have phrased it a bit unluckily when I said having a family would help one getting 'past it' quicker. Actually I meant you what said better in your post: that having people around you would help combat the loneliness and sense of desperation. Of being left alone with one's loss. And that IS true.
After León had died, and it was two/three days gone friends advised me to seek company and distraction - if not with my family, then otherwise.
But that is then an additional effort - to actually go out, call people .... it's hard, and I found I simply didn't have the strength.
Sharing one's home with a family and/or partner of one's own is a different story again. There's always someone THERE, on the spot. And I think that's an enormeous help.

Sorry for being a bit unclear about that.

Lots of love,
Diana

Indeed, Jennifer !
And THAT was someone who, no doubt, 'loves' animals (judging by his having his dog with him).
Love .. yes .. but not THAT much apparently that he wishes to share afterlife with him.
Mark Twain was right - absolutely.
I want to go where my furkids - or all animals go - and if that is oblivion (according to this chap's opinion), so be it.
I'll be much more comfortable there than with the likes of HIM in 'heaven'.

Love,
Diana

Dear Bob,

I am so sorry to hear about your two losses. I never had a parrot myself, but I had several budgies over the years, and a rabbit when I was a teenager.
I hope that when Stanley Sue died she did so at a ripe old age, and at least had a happy life to look back to. Parrots, as far as I know, can get quite old, can't they ?
How old was Walter when he pass away ?

I agree with you that time does eventually purge certain images and memories. But I find that goes for the bad as well as for the good ones.
With León is hasn't been so long yet, but since I lost my young tom cat Cicero in 2002 ... it was after seven months of illness, force-feeding him medicines (almost as you did) .. I really must make an effort to remember him - how he was in life (unless I look at pictures of course).
My most vivid memory of him is still the last hour at the vet's. We took him to be examined (again), but I had already seen the signs at home and over the past few days ... the shortness of breath, the bloated belly .. it was FIP. When we left home I already guessed I would bring back a corpse.
They extracted some liquid from his belly to confirm the diagnosis, and the way he looked at me, the way he dug his claws into my shoulder when I took him into my arms to wait for the result ...
Then that final decision, the anaesthetic that wouldn't work and then 45 minutes where I held him to my chest under my jacket and he was still looking around. Then another shot that hurt him so bad that he struggled .... and finally he passed out. I remember that I watched his tail swish ever more weakly until it stopped and I thought 'now it will never move again' (he was a beautiful long-hair Norwegian forest mix - with a bushy tail).
I laid him down on the table and the vet gave him the final shot .. and I bent down to his head saying 'Ciao, Bello' (he was Italian; from a shelter in Rome) ... and then it was over.
After over a year and a half THIS is what I remember .. still.

León didn't have to suffer so - I hope. He was in the prime of his life, healthy and all.
A different situation. And yet .. both of them taken at such a young age.
I know quite a few people who work at shelters or look after strays. And they are confronted with such tragic deaths all the time. I am not sure I could do that.
The most common thing you hear is 'You save some - you lose some'; and I guess that is what you have to tell yourself every single day in order to keep going.
In comparison to that I am 'well off' with only these few charges of mine to look after. Maybe I should stop 'complaining'.

Thanks, Bob, and all the best to you.

Love,
Diana

Bob,

this is Cicero (attached jpg file)

Love,
Diana

A Farewell.

You know what I think it is -- I think it is the noise, and the way human babies and fur babies fill up a house with their presence and their -- NOISE. And when you don't have kids -- or you lose so many fur babies as quickly as we did -- the house seems to QUIET and empty. Whereas, if you at least have human kids around still making noise, then the quiet does not get to you as badly...

I dunno.

Beth: I still cry in my grief. But even though it changes over time, I can remember when I really did think I was losing my mind with the pain. I really wondered if I would ever STOP crying (I mean like -- stop even for a few minutes). This board helped me so much, I plan to be around for a long time -- in hopes of helping others. But thank you for the kind words.

Love to all,
Jennifer