I am way, way down, and I don't know what to do. I can't even really talk about it, but I wish I could lie down and go to sleep for a long, long time. I miss her so much, but I let her down. I let her down, and the vets let us both down. Now there's nothing in the world I can do. I cannot go on this way. It's been slowly creeping up on me, and now I am in the strong grip of self-hate and guilt, and I don't know what to do. I feel so all alone. I won't do anything to myself, and I really don't want to die, but I need some relief from this obsessive guilt, even tho I deserve it. It is killing me, even if it is slow, it is sure. She deserved/deserves better than to have a mommy like me. I must be such an embarrassment to my beautiful little girl now. PLEASE FORGIVE ME, HANNAH. PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. You were the most beautiful, precious thing I ever had in my whole life, and I let you down and now I do this. I'm sorry little girl. I am so lost. Please forgive me. God, please, please forgive me. Please take care of my baby, my beautiful, precious, precious little girl. Hold her in your arms and please never, ever let her hurt again. Please, please hold her tight. Let her be loved and safe and warm. Please let her know that I did love her more than anything and that I miss her more than anything. Please let her know I sorry I am. Please.

i just want to hold your hand and give you love. i'm honoring your pain right now
i must strongly speak to the part of you that thinks that you deserve guilt and say that IT IS NOT TRUE.

The one year mark is a very significant date for you and your beloved Hannah. What a wonderful mom you were to Hannah. I know she thought so. She is at peace, and she would want you to be at peace also. Take care of yourself...I know this is beyond difficult...

Caroline

You gave her the best life possible. I know it doesn't feel like that, but you did. How do I know this? Because of how much love you have for her!! She IS free now from pain and lonliness...and watching over you. She wouldn't want you to be in so much pain. But I also acknowledge it. I'm just starting my journey but I've learned already that every person on this board loved thier pet(s) and gave them SOOOOOOOOO much love and care.
*hugs* Thinking of you.

Audrey

I know you would have not done anything to harm Hannah, it was a terrible thing the way it happened. you have to remember you did what you thought was right at the time, given the information you had. You did'nt set out to take her life, everything you did was in the act of LOVE.
I count the months now, but the one year is a biggie i'm sure. I send you my love and prayers, and ask that you be shown how to fogive yourself. Pamela

Oh Marcia dear sweet friend I am going to tell you what I really think. What I am about to say applies to both of us and a few others that are not healing very well. Some of us are so guilt ridden that it is keeping us from being able to find much joy in our lives. It often feels like we are trapped in the early days of our babies deaths.

First I want to say I hate to hear you say you were not a good Mama to Hannah and that you hate yourself. Every word you have every written about her tells me just how very much you love and loved her. You took wonderful care of her and you knew she was growing old and frail and was so sick. I know that you did what you felt was best for your little sweet baby Hannah.

Oh Marcia you did not get up one day and say well I am tired of taking care of you Hannah so here we go to have you put to sleep. No you did it because you could not stand to see her in pain any longer. You could not stand the thought that your precious baby might die all alone without you. Marcia I know you tried everything you knew how to make her well. You did your very best and what you did came from all the love within your tender heart.

Yes I know most of us all feel we could have done more but sometimes we can only do so much. We all have human hearts and emotions and we strive to do our best then sometimes when we do what we feel is right, self doubt, guilt and fear takes over. When it does nothing ever seems like it was the right thing or what we did never seems good enough.

It keeps our hearts and souls broken and the wounds never heal so the pain continues to where we think we would be better off dead. We feel we are failures and because we feel that way we feel inadequate and can not forgive ourselves. Then we are caught in a vicious cycle and we cannot find peace of mind.

I want to put a picture on your post Marcia, take a good look at my precious little Snookie. This was a few weeks before she passed away. Look how sick that she had become and just before she died she looked even worse. That just because I wanted her to go to her own doctor I let her die. Maybe her death was terribly painful for her and if it was it was all my fault. Did I do the right thing in letting the one I said I loved more than anything in this whole world die like that? I think not, oh sure I was going to take her to the vet the next day when he came back from Christmas break but it was to late then! I will never forget that sound she let out just before she died as long as I live.

Snookie had lost so much weight after this picture was taken her bones were sticking out. Still I did nothing about helping her over to the Bridge because I was one selfish woman who thought it was more important to have her vet put her to sleep since she knew him and so he could cremate her.

I was just crying today because I did my Snookie so wrong. I should not have let her become as sick as she was without doing something to take her pain away. I did not listen to my heart to take her and set her free. I went with my own selfish needs instead of doing right by Snookie. So now I Ann Howard may never be able to overcome this guilt that I feel. Perhaps this is my punishment to live with this guilt for the way I betrayed my darling girl when I told her over and over I would not let her suffer. Maybe I will carry this terrible pain to my grave. So your see Marcia I too know about guilt and self loathing that fills the heart with pain.

You feel guilty because you set Hannah free so she could be free of pain. I feel guilty because I did nothing to set Snookie free and she died on her own. Marcia, pain and guilt and anger and self hate reins and rules our hearts. Somehow we need to overcome this before it destroys us. Before we really can not see that the love in our hearts was great and we did try to take the best care of them.

We need to know our love was great for them and their final days were only done by what we felt was right at the time. My dear friend Marcia, how in the world will we ever free our hearts from guilt? How can we pick up the pieces of our hearts through the rubble of guilt, shame, loathing, anger, and self doubts.
Love, Ann

Dearest "Angel" Marcia:

Oh Marcia.......my sweet friend {{{{{{{{{{Marcia}}}}}}}}}} ..........


I KNOW...............and more important......YOU KNOW...., HOW VERY, VERY MUCH YOU LOVED, ADORED,
TOOK CARE OF, ETC., ETC., ETC........your sweet, beloved, tiny little girl, Miss Hannah





Oh Sweetie, your precious Sweet Girl Hannah WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS GIVEN TO YOU BY GOD, WHEN SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE PUP, because He knew that YOU & HANNAH BELONGED TOGETHER....

I know that Hannah's First Year's Anniversary at Rainbow's Bridge is coming up. And, I know that this year has
been filled with MANY ups & downs for you ---- I am sooooooooo sorry for that, Marcia.........and, when I read your post, my heart ached (and still is), for you, because I hear soooo much sadness and depression in what you wrote.



IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW MARCIA.............IF I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE.....ONE THING........... IT IS THAT,
"YOUR SWEET, PRECIOUS, LOVEABLE LITTLE TINY MISS HANNAH ABSOLUTELY LOVED HER MOMMY "MARCIA" SO VERY,
VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!

Our Dear Lord CHOSE YOU MARCIA, to be Hannah's mom......

And, you and Hannah had many years together (but, I will agree that the time we have with our precious furkids is NEVER, EVER LONG ENOUGH), in which you took the VERY BEST CARE of her!!!!

Always know that Marcia........ PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE......I want YOU to know that ----- TO FEEL THAT... AND, MOST
OF ALL, [B][U]TO BELIEVE IT, because IT IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!

Remember, Hannah is always near you, Marcia........ She's right in your beautiful heart.....
She would be so sad if she knew that you were this sad ------ That you are being terribly hard on yourself....


I know that all of our furkids, (any of God's wonderous creatures), each & every person here at LS who has a furkid up at Rainbow's Bridge........Remember whenever you were sad/crying.......didn't Hannah give you big loves, to
comfort you to try and make you feel better???
Our precious kids never liked it when we cried, or felt sad/lonely.......they'd react to all those emotions.....


I KNOW THAT YOUR SWEET GIRL DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL SAD.........SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO HATE YOURSELF,
OR FEEL GUILTY.................THERE'S NOTHING AT ALL THAT YOU NEED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.........


There's one thing that YOU DID DO, THOUGH............

YOU LOVED HANNAH SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH THAT YOU DID THE MOST COURAGEOUS THING, AND THAT WAS "TO
SET YOUR BABY GIRL FREE".
"LITTLE HANNAH WAS SICK AND IN PAIN.....By having her put to sleep.......

YOU BRAVELY TOOK ON HER PAIN SO THAT **FINALLY**, SHE COULD BE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!

And....... I truly believe that Little Miss Hannah went right into the loving arms of St. Francis, and then she went to Rainbow's Bridge.....

I know that is one of the hardest things to do, because we had Ernestine put to sleep on February 7, 2004...
But, I believe that it really is the kindest act -----A final "GIFT" that we could give our precious babies.......

I know that for the three months that Ernie-Bird was ill........I would pray to God that she please GO in her sleep..
But, our girl was losing weight sooooo quickly; from 8.2 pounds to 5.9 in 3 months.........
Because of her hyperthyroidism & CRF, she'd be violently retching every single day......... It was painful to hear, and
painful to watch.....
I could only imagine that it was 100% more painful for my tiny girl!!!!

Looking back, right now this very minute.......Sure, I probably should have been MORE COURAGEOUS, and HELPED our sweet girl go to Rainbow's Bridge sooner than we did...........
BUT........I was afraid..... And, I'm also HUMAN!!!

If I had that to do all over again, I believe that I should have brought her in for euthanasia at an earlier time.
There were some signs that I should've picked up on.

After having Ernestine in my life from ages 23 - 43, HOW WAS I GOING TO GO ON WITHOUT HER????

As I sit here now, typing this, I KNOW (with every single fiber of my being), that I was EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY FORTUNATE to have had my sweet Ernestine IN MY LIFE, FOR TWO MONTHS SHY OF 20 YEARS!
And, when Ben came into our lives, she was able to enjoy being spoiled by her daddy for the last 3 years of
her life.. They shared a very special & loving relationship.

*******HERE, AT LIGHTNING-STRIKE.............I AM "SURROUNDED" BY A HUGE, WONDERFUL, CARING & LOVING GROUP OF PEOPLE, "ALL OF WHOM I PERSONALLY FEEL THAT I CAN CALL EXTREMELY SPECIAL FRIENDS!!!!!!!!

I WILL [B][U]ALWAYS BE GREATFUL that Lightning-Strike was available to me during the very early morning hours of February 8, 2004 ****** And........you know..... we DID NOT HAVE A COMPUTER.
We ordered one right after Christmas, and we received it January 2, 2004.

I believe that "someone" had HER PAW in our deciding to get a computer.....
Think about it --- how would I have been able to get to LS without a computer?? Hmmm.....

I was (obviously) terribly broken-hearted, I didn't know what to do with myself, or where to
go. I could not stop crying... It was a very good thing that I knew how to type......because, through my tears & my
very puffy eyes, I couldn't see the keyboard. I didn't have the strength to eat, to shower (for a few days)... I just
didn't care.

*****If not for all the special people here at LS who helped me (INCLUDING YOURSELF MARCIA......., I know that I
I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT BE AT THE PLACE WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW....

Marcia G...........I want you to know that you really are one of the MOST, ([b]IF "NOT THE MOST"... and that's true -just ask Ben) LOVING, CARING, KINDEST, FRIENDLIEST, ***HELPFUL*** PEOPLE THAT I HAVE EVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF KNOWING!!

I don't want you, Marcia, to "feel so lost", and I certainly don't want you to "feel so all alone"....... If you want, why don't we talk sometime this weekend???

You have soooooooooooooooo many friends here Marcia ------ On Lightning-Strike...... (THAT I KNOW, FOR A FACT!! )

I am sorry that I didn't know how you were feeling........And, if you were "sending out some signs", I really am sorry that I didn't pick up on them.......

GOD BLESS YOU, MARCIA!!!
Recently, we had a BIG SCARE that Ms. Lucy might have feline heartworms ----------- Here you are, my sweet friend, feeling miserable yourself............
AND...........YOU'RE GIVING US A CALL ON OUR MACHINE..........ASKING ABOUT LUCY, CONCERNED, WONDERING HOW HER
VISIT WITH THE VET WENT.........
You know I appreciated your concern so much,,,,,,,but, here you are not feeling well yourself......

That's why..........when I'm sending you a post..............I USUALLY, UNLESS I FORGET, ALWAYS WRITE....
(or, MEAN to write)----------------->>>>>>> ***** "Dear(est) "Angel" Marcia" *****

BECAUSE............THAT'S EXACTLY WHO "YOU ARE", TO ME....... --------->>>>>> "AN ANGEL"
You are very special

Well......if you can believe it, it's 5:50am......
Ben went to bed at 1:45am, and I said, "I'll be in shortly".......
I had just started my post around ? 3:00 am. Oh well, I'm a bit long-winded...

You know that I care about you, Marcia!!

Good Morning & God Bless You..

Love, Denise, Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster xo

Dearest Marcia
What you must now realise is that you have made it to the LAST anniversary, for so long now you have been saying this time last year, and a year ago today.

I too did – and still do – punish myself with thoughts of ‘I killed her’ ‘maybe she could have had an extra hour/day/week/month'. But the truth is my soul made the decision and believe me my soul knows far better than I do.

The only way that I could get out of this vicious ‘ground hog day’ was to forgive myself, realise that I am only human and have many failings.

Accept that what you did you did in the name of love and forgive yourself as you know you would tell others that they did the right thing, then tell yourself this also.

We gave so much of our love to our babies, we must now learn to love ourselves as selflessly, we deserve it after what we have been through, we really do.

Love and hugs
Sue

I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I went to bed early last night and just now got up and came here . . . Thanks so much for caring about me. It IS truly beyond difficult, but with your help again, I hope I will get through this. I will be back later today with a longer post. I just really needed to hear what you all had to say right now.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Marcia,

I'm so very sorry that you're having such a hard time. I just went back and read some of your earliest posts about losing your precious Hannah. I didn't realize that you felt guilty for having her euthanized too soon. No one on earth could have loved little Hannah more. You were the best mom she could have had and she knew it.

I had my first dog for nearly 17 years and waited much too long to make that decision for him. He was so skinny at the end - just bones and fur. It was awful. He'd fall over trying to eat and had to be carried up and down the stairs due to severe arthritis. We really should have taken him to the vet much sooner. When I'd take him to the groomer, she'd tell me that she thought it was time and she was right. It's such a difficult decision to make. I think we all agonize that we did it too soon or not soon enough. We have to make that decision for our precious pets and because of that, we second-guess ourselves.

I feel that you would have blamed yourself even more if sweet Hannah had died when you weren't home. That would have been awful and you would have felt so badly knowing that she was alone. But she wasn't alone because her beloved mom was with her. I have no doubt she felt your presence and was very comforted by that.

Take care Marcia. A big {{{hug}}} for you.

I'll be thinking of you as Hannah's one year anniversary gets closer.

Wishing you peace,

Love,
Lynn

Hi Marcia,

I have to apologize for not being able to say much today. I'm sick with worry over Falkor.

But do know, I am thinking of you.

I'm still struggling with Luba's death a lot too, and I'll be at ten months on Tuesday.

Take care my friend - Steph

I do, really, really do -- thank each and every one of you precious, kind people so very much. I don't know where I would be without you because you are the only people I know who understand, the only ones I can talk to.

I was going to make a long post today, but we had really bad weather here night before last and my carpet got soaked, so I have been ripping up wet carpet since around 10 or 11 this morning and am just now almost done cleaning and rearranging furniture. I will make that post because I need to -- my heart is breaking, and I need help so very badly and you, my friends here, at LS, are so good and kind and understanding. It's so hard for me to talk to people. I don't know . . . You have all been there for me, are still here for me, and it means the world to me. I would truly be lost without you.

I love you all, and I appreciate you all, more than you might ever know. Please, please know that I am here if you need me.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Marcia,
I am so desperatley sorry that these demons are still tormenting you. Try not to give them so much power over you. Try everything, because you do not deserve to be treated this way. *Hannah's Mommy* does not deserve to be treated this way. I am not a religious or even very spiritual person but I know God has forgiven you long ago. So has Hannah. No, I don't think you did anything wrong. But you do, and I hope you can forgive yourself soon.
Sad for you,
Susan