Hello.

I lost my twelve year old border collie/huskey Shilka yesterday.

He has been unable to walk on his back leg for two weeks and there was no apparent reason. We found a large tumor on his neck a week and a half after he started limping and the vet biopsied it.

Yesterday morning, he collapsed and was shaking and crying. We immediately called the vet who sadly told us the tumor was cancer and it was so aggressive he maybe only had a few weeks to live. While the tumor was only seen on his neck, x-rays showed more cancer growing in his legs and was most likely all through his body.

He was in such pain yesterday that we put him down that morning.

It was the most utterly and unbelievable painful day in the world. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out and all my insides liquified.

I was unable to go with my crying family to the vet because i couldn't stand to watch so I said my goodbyes at home. All I can see now is my family putting my dog in the car and driving away. It was the worst thing I ever saw.

Apparently it wasn't as peaceful as I thought. He was far sicker than anyone had ever imagined because he hid it so well (other than the limp) and his veins collapsed as the vet was administering the lethal dose. So he only got 1/2 the drug at first. Apparently he became agitated and started to whimper and they rushed him out of the room and gassed him before letting my family rejoin him for the final 1/2 of the dose. It affected everyone very badly. We were expecting a quick and painless end.

I really hope he didn't suffer while he was upset and was just confused because he was half unconsious.

I cried all day yesterday and now its five in the morning and all I feel is empty. I can't believe how badly this hurts! Does this ever end? I dont' know if I can stand it.

Thank you for listening

Jen

Dear Jen,

I'm so sorry about Shilka. I also lost my dog Shiloh to cancer, and although I found Shiloh's cancer in it's early stages, it was still such a shock...she was only 5 years old. I know your pain is absolutely devastating right now, and even though it seems like the pain will never end, time really will help you heal. Shiloh has been gone for over 6 months now, and I still have bad days...I still have days when I cry, and missing her is a constant, but the deep searing pain has subsided. Come here often...share your thoughts and feelings. The people here are caring and kind and will help you through your grief.

Take care,
Kathleen

Hi Jen,

When my Qorqui was killed, she was only a year and a half old. I had no reason to believe she wouldn't be with me for many years to come. That day my pain was exactly as you described yours for Shilka.

It does lessen. Tomorrow is one month now without Qorqui. I still have times when it gets real bad, but there are times when the happy memories make me smile too. Though, the smiles are usually still immediately followed by tears of grief.

I know how bad it hurts. All of us here do. You will make it through this but it will take time.

Stop in here often and share your thoughts, feelings and when you're ready, stories of Shilka's life with you and your family. It helps a lot.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Tim

Dear Jen,

What a heartbreaking story. I'm so, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Shilka. She sounds like just a beautiful dog. Cancer is so devastating in animals because their little bodies can't fight it the way humans sometimes can. It is so mind boggling to try to understand why something so painful could happen. My own personal belief is that God puts obstacles in our way because He wants so desperately for us to be close to Him, and in hard times I know that I always turn to God in a way that I never do when things are going well. I hope that you can find peace and comfort in time, but now allow yourself to mourn and to cry. Let all the tears pour out, please know that we are all here for you and we will try to help you through this most difficult time.

God bless you,
Jenny

Hi Jen,

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a border collie cross too. She was mostly border collie, but I never did figure out what else she was.

Yes, it does get easier. The grief goes through various stages, but it becomes less intense.

Coming to this site helped me a lot.

Steph

Dear Jen,

I am SO sorry for your loss. I know that searing pain you are feeling all too well

I lost my precious Rachael to cancer too. Like you, I had no idea until it was in the final stages. She seemed healthy and happy until suddenly one day she became so weak she could barely get herself up and down. We ran her to the vet immediately. We were horrified to discover that she had been bleeding internally. Apparently she had a tumor that had burst inside of her. She stayed brave and strong for us until her poor body could no longer hide it. That's just what happened with your sweet Shilka. He didn't show you any signs of illness until his body could no longer hide it. It was very soon after that we were making the same decision you had to make. We helped end her pain.

On the morning that she was so bad off, my husband was at work. I had to make that journey to the vet with her myself. Her breathing had become loud and labored. I just couldn't make her suffer until my husband got home. I think I just went into "auto-pilot". She experienced the same problem Shilka did. The first dose didn't work because her vein collapsed. It took a second injection before she passed peacefully in my arms. I don't think your Shilka suffered from that. Rachael looked uncomfortable too, but at that point they had received some of the medication and were probably "out of it".

You will read this many times in here, and it was what brought me comfort too...you took on the pain and suffering for your precious Shilka so that he wouldn't have to anymore. It was the MOST loving and unselfish act you and your family could have ever done for him.

I can promise you that time will heal the open wound in your heart. I know that it doesn't feel possible right now, but it's true. The best advice, is what you have already seen posted here. Let yourself cry and feel the pain. Come here often and write about your darling furbaby Shilka. Those tears will help you to heal. There is no set timeline for how long it will take to feel better. Everyone seems to heal at a different rate. You will NEVER EVER forget or stop loving your furbaby, but one day you will be able to remember to good times with him and smile. Tomorrow it will be 6 months since I lost my special angel, and I still have some bad days. However, I am able to think about her and smile now. I know that I was SO blessed to have had her in my life for almost 12 years.

You're in my thoughts,
Cheri

Hi Jen, I am so sorry your precious Shilka had cancer and had to be put to sleep. That in itself is so devastating and then when something goes terribly wrong like it did for your baby it is even more so. I know you feel you can't stand it because it rips your heart out and hurts so bad.

The first couple of weeks are the very worst and then it starts to hurt just a little less. I still have times when I am feel so overwhelmed and I cry at the most unexpected times. It still hurts, and it hurts bad, but I can honestly say it is not as bad as the first couple of months. The pain and sorrow will get better even though it may never go away for good. I don't think I could have come this far if not for all the wonderful people here.
Ann

dear jen,
i'm SO sorry about Shilka- please know that you are not alone and that the pain will change over time. My cat Jupiter died 5 weeks ago, and i'm navigating through it- some days much better than others, some days/parts of days utterly in despair.
i don't believe Shilka suffered at the end, i believe that they leave their bodies as necessary before that time comes. their body's wisdom is exquisitely tuned.
my blessings to you

Thank you so much everyone. I'm shocked at the quick replies of kindness, it is so nice. I'm glad the intense pain I'm feeling is normal. I also have anxiety disorder and I'm so anxious I could jump out of my skin today. I'm trying to recognize that it isn't a set-back in my recovery (i'm was getting better until these last two weeks) but its all normal greiving.

I talked to my dad this morning and he said this was way worse than even losing his dad. He cried yesterday very hard and I've never seen my dad shed a tear. He also told me that he woke up really early this morning too with anxiety which makes me feel better because we both have anxiety disorder.

I put flowers on his kennel door this morning. It is so unbelievably hard to go outside and see his empty kennel, his full water dish and half-eaten breakfast from yesterday. His bed is still inside with the imprint of his body on it. Worst of all, his bone and blanket are in our TV room and it smells like him. My god, this is so hard!

*Hugs to everyone!*

Edited note: It is now hitting the 24 hr mark. I feel so nauseous.

Jen

Dear Jen,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about Shilka. I know all too well the pain that you feel. I also lost my Scottish Terrier to cancer. It was also a very aggresive cancer for which there was no cure. SHe also had to be put to sleep as the cancer had invaded her chest cavity and she could hardly breathe. Like you I have that final terrible picture in my mind. For me it has been almost two months and I still feel pain. My vet said that dogs are very good at hiding their illness and often we do not know how sick they are until they are really bad.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy for the first couple of weeks. Like you I felt sick and empty inside. I did not want to eat and did not leave my bed for the first couple of days. But I promise it will get easier as time goes along. Your grief is new right now and you have to give yourself some time.

Find comfort in the fact that your baby is no longer in pain. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Nancy (Sasha's Mom)

Dear Jen,

I'm so sorry you lost your precious Shilka. My thoughts are with you and your family at this very difficult time. As others have said - come here often as everyone understands your pain and will be here to help you.

Thinking of you.
Lynn

Jen- I am so sorry for the loss of your Shilka. It is a true and devastating loss, no other way around it. My Lucy died 8 weeks ago today of cancer. I could barely function in the days after her death. The first weeks are the worst, but the sharp pain does lessen and the anxiety lessens as well. I grieved as I never had before. My husband also said that Lucy's passing was by far the most difficult emotional experience he has ever survived. Lucy's love for us was pure and unconditional, just as your Shilka's was for you. You did the right thing by helping her out of her suffering. For awhile, the only picture of Lucy that I could see in my head was that of Kevin and I holding her as she was euthanised. It was a very sad picture. Now though, I am starting to think less of that and more of her in happier times, like chasing tennis balls and running and swimming in the ocean.

What you are feeling is so normal and okay. Pets touch our lives in wonderful ways. We think of them as our children in many ways, so when they pass before we do, and we have to watch them suffer, it is unbelievably painful and difficult to process. I promise, it will get better.

Take care, Caroline

Jen,
I too am so sorry. My story is similar to so many on here...hidden cancer...burst tumor...too late. I am only grateful that I was spared of having to put my Jasmine down...from the time she showed me something was wrong, she died less than 45 min later. Regardless of how we lost our beloved pets, we all feel the same intense grief. I was just like you...I couldn't get up, eat, or sleep. Jasmine died 10 days ago and while I'm eating okay again, I'm still not sleeping well. (Thank God it's Friday!) I was doing okay, but then suddenly last night, I cried for hours. It comes and goes but I have to hold on to what everyone here has told me...it will get better.
You're in my thoughts.
Audrey

Thank you.

I had a little incident tonight where I was in a restraunt (sorry, spelling) and I thought I was doing okay, then I had a panic attack and started crying right there into my napkin. We took dinner home as a take out and I had a good cry for a few hours.

It was really nice tonight though because my sister and I are making a scrapbook of Shilka pictures from when he was only a few weeks old up until literally an hour before he died. He looked so dignified, even at the end.

We had so many laughs looking at the pictures and I felt much better, I was even able to give my guinea pig a good cuddle without feeling guilty.

I'm am now sobbing again but at least I had an hour where I felt okay and had some great memories of those years ago. Its so hard because I've had Shilka from when I was seven years old and my sister was three. I actually don't remember a time where he wasn't around. He was going to be turning twelve next Friday.

Thank you again for listening.

Jen

You poor kid ~ I am right there with you ~ I lost my Amber cat of nearly 20 years on Monday ~ please know that you are not alone ~there are wonderful people here who are all sharing in our pain. It is a blessing to me to read the heartfelt responses to this sad time we are all going through ~ Our animals have depended on us through the years to keep them safe and free from pain and that is what we did at the end - we sent them home ~ we had them here with us as a gift from God ~ to help us along our way ~ I am so thankful that I had a caring and loving Veterinary staff and they loved Amber too and we were all letting her have her final dignity - she was the Queen of the house and I will always miss her - I wake with the emptiness and missing spaces in my soul but her little light will again shine here as she makes her way back safe and sound to rest in my heart forever ~ You must remember the love and keep it close to you ~ and then the spirit of you dear departed pet will find a place to rest and help you go forward and have a wonderful life in the years to come - with your dear one safe in your heart ~ Peace Dear Child ~ Love, Kathryn , Angel Amber and C.C.