Hello,
My sweet and beautiful cat Chloe died on Thursday afternoon. She had stomach cancer, which had been in remission briefly, but it had come back fiercely in the last week. When we saw the oncologist on Wednesday, she told me Chloe could live for 4 or 5 days. I thought I couldn't handle putting her to sleep but when I came home from work for lunch on Thursday and saw how shaky her back legs were, I knew I couldn't let her suffer like that. I went back to work but when I came home that evening she had died. I've been racked with grief and guilt ever since because she was alone. My only comfort is that , before I left her each day, I would hold her, pet her, tell her I loved her. That day I had even told her to "let go." I know in my heart she has forgiven me and is in such a happier, less painful place. I think guilt is part of the grieving process but I hope self-forgiveness is also. I feel that God must be happy to have such a beautiful cat up there but I miss her so much and keep torturing myself with the image of her dying alone.
I see other people mentioning guilt in these posts, and although the grief is still very new to me, reading about everyone's experiences has been helpful. I've had Chloe cremated so I plan to put her urn and her picture in a special place.
Thanks for listening.
Jackie

Jackie,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your Chloe. My grief is new as well. I just loss my dog, Megan, last Thursday. I, too, feel guilty as I had to make the decision to put her down. Although my brain knows that this was the best thing for her, my heart feels like I betrayed her. Looking into her beautiful brown eyes knowing what was to come feels like the ultimate betrayal. I just hope and pray that she knew how much she was loved. I'm sure Chloe knew she was loved and did not die truely alone. I hope one day we can forgive ourselves and smile at their memories rather than cry (as I'm doing now).

Take Care,
Tracey

Dear Jackie,

I am so sorry for your loss of Chloe.

Yes, I think guilt is one of the dominant emotions we feel about the deaths of our fur babies -- no matter how they go. We feel guilty for putting Freyja to sleep, we feel guilty for not recognizing Saki's cancer earlier, we feel guilty because maybe we waited too long to put Electra to sleep...

With Saki, I also told her that she should go rather than stay and suffer. And she did a couple of hours later. I was very lucky in that she died in my arms while we were napping. I think she knew that was what was best for me...

On the other hand, when they go in private, I believe they do that because they know that is what is best for their parent. In life and in death, they try to do what is best for us...

We just put Lec in her urn this past week. It brought more tears, of course, but she looks pretty sitting on the mantle with her sister. I also made a 2004 calendar with different pics of Freyja, Electra and Saki each month so I can remember every day, every month, what special friends they were to me....

I am sure that you are right that God is happy to have such a special cat now. You will be with Chloe again someday, but I am sorry for the pain you have now in missing her.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer and Tracey,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I was doing okay today at work until someone asked me how I was and of course, I burst into tears. When I came home tonight it was the first time in months I didn't have to hurry to get home to try to feed Chloe or to give her her pills.

I think the most pain is caused by missing her. Even when she felt her worst she would do something truly sweet, like get up on the bed and lie on my legs or get under the covers if she felt a little chilly. These are the memories I treasure and have to remember instead of thinking how thin and weak she was during her last days.

I'm sure all our beloved pets are getting acquainted somewhere and know how well loved and cared for they were. We may have to send them on their way, but I really believe they are happy and healthy in their new home. Jennifer, I think you're right, they're just waiting to see us again someday.

I have a picture of Chloe on my desk and I'm so glad I didn't move it, I look at it constantly because her eyes are so full of love. I also have a picture at home that shows just her eyes and nose and wherever I go in the room, she seems to be looking at me. :-) I think it's a good idea to keep pictures of our precious pets close by.

God Bless You both and stay strong,

Love,
Jackie

Hi Jackie,

I lost my Trixie one week ago today. She also was suffering from cancer (multiple myeloma) and had enjoyed a brief remission. Then she sort of crashed the weekend prior to Christmas and had to have an emergency blood transfusion. At her next oncologist's appointment I got called into "the room" instead of having the doctor come and talk to me out in the waiting room as was usual. I knew ten that something was up. She told me that there was really nothing more that could be done and it was time to start thinking about ending Trixie's pain. What a New Year's Eve! Me crying constantly and my husband looking helpless.

For a few days I fed her and gave her water every couple of hours - I figured that if she could just eat and stay hydrated, she might start eating on her own and that sure would show those doctors! I pretty much moved onto the couch and she and I slept under a fleece blanket most of the time. I knew it was time though when she just kept getting weaker and she started to whine in pain when I petted her. Her back legs were so stiff that it was painful to watch her try and get around. I decided to end it last Monday and the oncologist and one of the nurses came to the house that evening. I held her, wrapped up like a baby, while she went to sleep. I was petting her and talking to her as she died. It does give me some comfort to know that I was the last thing she saw, heard, smelled and felt as she left. However, even though I know I made the right decision, I sometimes wish she had been able to go peacefully while she slept on my chest or alone in her bed - I didn't want to be the one to have to decide. I guess no matter what their end is like, we find a way to feel guilty.

Please don’t torture yourself bout Chloe being alone. I know that at the end, Trixie was trying to be alone as much as she could be. I think, as someone else stated, it’s on their nature to want to be alone when they are sick and dying. All I could do was put the sleep shirt I was wearing inside her bed just to try and give her a little bit of me until the doctor arrived.

I have to say here, however, that the doctor and nurse were SO unbelievably (at least to me) respectful and gentle. Maybe I expected them to put her in a bag or box or something, but they waited until I had spent some time with Trixie and then the nurse took her from me very gently and held her body just the way I had held her – like a baby. That’s the way they carried her out of the house and I’m not sure why, but that act meant so incredibly much to me. They also brought a clay impression of her front paws. It had her name on it and the year on the back. I had no idea they had made the impressions at her last visit but I am certainly glad that they did.

The changes around here are pretty disorienting at times. For the last 5 months our days had centered on giving Trixie her various medications once, sometimes twice, a day. For the first few days we just sort of wandered around the house, not really sure what to do about the empty space and time. And who wouldn’t be disoriented by a huge gap left where all of that unconditional love and furry warmth used to be?

With the exception of the time spent writing this, I’ve managed to go without tears for a couple of days. If someone tries to talk to me in person about it though, forget it! I break down all over again. I’ll be seeing a lot of well-meaning friends on Thursday and wish I could wear a sign that says, “Please don’t ask!”

Well, I’m afraid that this reply has turned into a cathartic writing exercise instead. I guess that’s ok, though.

I hope you will find peace soon in knowing that Chloe (along with Trixie!) is in a place where our fur babies don’t get cancer and don’t ever have to hurt again. I like to think that my grandparents are caring for Trixie. About a month before Trixie got sick I was lying on the couch with her and was hit with an overwhelming sense of her mortality. Powerful enough to bring tears to my eyes. At the same time, though, I started telling her how she didn’t have to worry and that whatever happened, her Gaga and Papa, and her Nana and Grandpa would take care of her and love her for me. I don't know why that all came to me then. Some other things like that have happened in the last 5 months and they combine to give me much comfort about Trixie's current whereabouts:-)

Take Care,

Kai

Hi Kai,
Thank you so much for your kind words. My condolences for your loss of Trixie.
It sounds like Trixie left this world with your imprint on her. How fortunate for you to have the at home experience with such caring, supportive people.
I read somewhere that cats keep grooming themselves partially to restore their own scent sometimes after we pet them. In that case, Chloe took my imprint with her, since she had stopped grooming awhile ago and I was constantly holding and petting her.
I've pretty much stopped torturing myself with the image of her dying alone. Although it hurts when I think of her lying there, she really didn't look any different than when she was napping. I held her for a long time before I could "let her go" though. Last night I was having dinner with a caring friend and I thought of how Chloe was probably so tired of being poked and probed and how she used to stress in the car on the way to the oncologist. This way she didn't have those stresses and went peacefully on her own schedule. I'm not having as many crying episodes as I was (except for right now) and then when I got home tonight there were 2 sympathy cards in the mailbox. It makes it so real then.
I wish you all the best,
take good care,
Jackie