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Baby steps, Abby's Mommy. You're on your way to healing.

Dear Abby's Mommy,

I'm so, so sorry that you are feeling so down today. I know that sometimes the pain feels just unbearable. On Tuesday night I came home and burst into tears because my dog Norah had pulled the stuffing out of one of the sides of Allie's old bed. Even though giving Norah Allie's bed somehow made me feel better at the time, I was so upset to see that Norah had done this...because every item that was Allie's sometimes feels like all I have to hang on to. I felt so much sadness yesterday as I swept the floor -there was still some of Allie's hair left. As I put it in the trash I told Allie, "I'm sorry I'm throwing this away. I'll never forget you." I had already saved a little bit of her hair from the brush and it's good to have that and remember how soft she was.

It's good to kiss the spots where she kissed and to look at her little teeth marks. One day I truly believe that you'll be able to reminisce about Abby without feeling so much pain, but instead remembering the happiness that she brought to you. Even though she isn't there physically, I think one day you'll be able to be filled with the joy of her spirit again.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense or is helping at all. But I just wanted to say that I hope one day when you're ready, you'll reconsider taking another doggie into your home. You have so much love to give and a new one would be so blessed to have you as a Mom. Sometimes I think that's why we lose our babies...God is trying to prepare a place for another who desperately needs a home. I understand your feelings though -it's only natural to protect ourselves from the potential of feeling more pain in losing yet another special friend -and you have endured so much with the loss of three -but sometimes protecting ourselves from loss also prevents us from loving again.

I hope that you stay very warm and safe in the basement as the storm passes over. This makes me think of one of my favorite songs that I used to sing at church. Maybe the words will be of some comfort to you:

Have courage my soul
And let us journey on
Though the night is dark
And I am far from home
Thanks be to God
The morning light appears
The storm is passing over
The storm is passing over
The storm is passing over
Alleuia!

*hugs* Abby's Mommy. I really think that you made a HUGE step forward with your healing by bringing her crate downstairs. I remember in an earlier post you mentioned you were going to take the crate down there soon. Just remember that even though Abby is gone, you do still have that crate to touch and be comforted by whenever you need it.

Sweet Abby's Mommy, Oh how your post caused my tears to flow, shoot I can barely see as I am typing this. I felt like I was right there with you taking that cage down to the basement. It was as thought I could almost hear your sobs and see the tears falling upon the cage. I felt you stroking the cage that your precious girl should still be in. It feels like I was there and watched you kiss the little teeth marks Abby put there as a baby. I could feel your pain and sadness and share the feeling with you that things might never be alright again.

The different colored rose bushes sound so beautiful and is a loving thing to so for your beautiful babies. I love the idea of doing that. Each year when they bloom you will see and be reminded of how delicate and perfect each love was for your babies that you held so dear.

I know what you mean about loving your husband I love mine a lot too. But Snookie and I shared something that no one else can ever fill. I go to the store and wander around looking for something but I know I will never find it because it is my girls I want and can't have. Like you I just feel so empty and the pain just seems endless. Hugs
Love, Ann

Dear Abby's Mommy,

I'm sure it was such a difficult thing for you to move Abby's crate into the basement. But you did it. It's part of your healing process. Little Abby will always be in your heart - always.
What a sweet, sweet picture.............

Thinking of you,

Love,
Lynn

Your thread reminded me of when I brought all of Luba's toy balls to friend accross the street's place. She boards dogs, and takes care of foster dogs. Falkor doesn't give a stuff over toy balls, he only likes the soft stuffed toys, so I figured Luba's toys may as well go to where the are appreciated. I saved on special ball of hers. It's sitting next to a special photo of her.

It was so sad to do that, but I felt better after a few days.

I'm thinking of you and your girl.

Hugs - steph

Dear Abby's Mom,

What a great picture of Abby! I know you don't think you are making progress, but you are. I know moving her crate was a hard thing to do.

I think we all have good and bad days. Last night I was thinking about Sasha and I started crying and just could not stop. It will be two months on Satuday and like you I thought I was making progess. Some days just seem to be more emotional than others for us I guess. Reading you post made me cry as I can totally identify with the pain that you feel. I have been depressed since Sasha died also.

I love the idea of the rosebushes. What a great way to honor your babies.

I hope you feel better soon.

Nancy

I went back to my old post about giving away Luba's toys, and it was at around 4.5 months after she had passed. Interesting how you are going through something similar at 4 months.

Isn't it something how we are all on such a painful personal journey, and yet there are such similarities in the steps we take to reach a level of peace with our losses.

You are taking baby steps in this cold journey of grief. Everyone is different, but so much the same, in how we cope with these great losses. My big boy is still with me, walking in the shadows - I just lack the proper eyes to see him. He is now part of everything - the wind in the grass, the movement of the ants, the song of a lark. He has become part of the great white energy and it is not my turn to be there, yet. My obligations tie me to this mortal plane until it is time to go and be with him (and all the other furfriends I was privileged to share time with), my grandparents, and some friends. Part of him stays - for now - because the grief can still bubble up into my everyday humdrum.

It is the same with your beloved pets. The grief is proof of your huge heart, which is why the depth and breadth of it is so vast. As for your thought of ever leaving grief, I don't believe it is ever totally gone. A scent, a scene, a dream, a thought - the grief comes back unabated. I do believe, however, that the longer one goes down the road, the longer the between feeling the sharp pangs of pain lasts.

I don't believe that love is ever completely lost.

My thoughts are with you.

dee dee

Hi Abbys Mom,
You just reminded me that I need to finish vac%%ing the rest of the house. I started on Monday and did the living room where I sucked up all the remaining fur of Rosa. I cried with every movement of the vac%%e. I couldn't finish the house and the vac%%e sits in the hallway ever since. I think today is the day to beat myself up some more and finish the job. That is what I feel I am doing with everything that is supposed to be healing. It hurts more to heal than to just do nothing. I'm not sure if it really helps. I'll look at it another way, the house needs to be vac%%ed, so that is that.
I feel like I am so damned tired of grieving. I just want it to be over with so I can move on. Actually, yesterday I sat down and paid the bills. This was a major step for me to attempt to return to the real world.
I guess we just have to hang in there Abby's Mom. Let nature take it's course, so to speak. Can you sense a little anger and impatience in my tone?. I'm just tired of everything right now. Sorry to vent, but when you talked about the pain in taking the cage to the basement, I related that to the vac%%ing. Take care and I hope you feel better. Rusty

You are a beautiful and loving Pet Mom ~ your Spirit is pure and filled with light - the darkness we feel inside is because our hearts are in transition making space inside for more of the essence of our dear ones to reside there forever - never to leave us - we are also learning to let our dear ones talk and love us from there - the physical realm is no longer the way for us to share our lives - they know us at the most basic and intimate ways - they have sat with us through "it all" with love and a paw or a lick and always unconditional acceptance - we will get the joy back ~ we need to learn the way ~ all has now forever changed ~ we need to lasso the love with a golden cord and wrap it around our hearts so that we may go forward and make the earth a better place once again. Love, Kathyn, Angel Ambie, and C.C.