Lastnight/Early this morning:
I had to have my 13 yr cat, Abram, put to sleep early this morning, 29-Mar-05. He seemed fine when I got home from work at about 7pm. He and Titus (his brother) met me at the door as soon as they heard my car, they both gave me the rituall meows and headbutts-to-the-leg and they received thier pats and ear scratchies. I gave Abram his meds (we had been dealing with hyperthyroidism for about 1 1/2 years or so) and gave them both thier dinner, took a few minutes to care for my other pets (conure and a budgie) and proceeded to do some work on my PC at home. Within about 45 mins, he was vomiting, which with hyperthyroid is normal occasionally, but this time, he started vomiting every hour or so and was not normal at all. During the next couple of hours, he seemed to get weaker and weaker which I took to be from the energy expended from vomitting, but after the 4th episode, I noticed he was starting to have trouble walking and immediately called the emergency room. By this time, it was shortly after midnight, and by 3:30am, the doctor had done everthing she could for him, including IVs, and oxygen tent therapy, but determined that he was unlikely to recover and asked that I go in and see him to decide if it was time. Even though I knew that his disease would eventually take him, I did not expect him to take such a drastic turn for the worse in such a short time and was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. While I am not new to grieving for a pet, it has been a VERY long time since I have had a pet that was my own and not the family pet.

About "The Boys and thier siblings":
My sister's cat had kittens in May of 1992, and I had first pick of the litter. I originally only choose Titus because despite being the smallest and the runt, he had the most spark and energy. The more I visited them as kittens the harder it got to not want them all. But my sister had found homes for Sara, Ezekiel, and Job already and Abram was the only one left. He had a deformed foot and I ended up deciding to take him as well because my sister was uncertain if she would find someone to take him and care for him with his foot. I had always intended that they be indoor cats and being in college and later gone during the day at work, I figured it would be best for Titus to have company to play with in my absence and Abram would always be safe indoors with his foot being the way it was. Thankfully, after about 5 months, Abram's foot straightened itself out (no bone deformation, just the way he was positioned in the womb forced his leg to develop as it did) and he was as normal as any cat, and ended up being far more personable then most which made the decision to take him total justified and his loss more painful. Of the 5, only Titus is left, I'm not certain how the others passed, I only know that they had. Thinking about it now, its seems rather humorous that the runt of the litter would end up outliving his mostly healthier siblings. I had hoped, considering the parents had lived well into the 17-18 year old range, that they would also at least have a shot at it with proper vet care and baring any serious injuries.. It depresses me (more) to think that 13 years have passed by already and only one of the litter has made it this far without anything more serious happening to him than a bladder infection.

Going forward:
Titus and Abram had never been separated for more than a day or two, werer from the same litter and from parents of remarkable pesonalites themselves, yet both were so different in thier own personalities. Abram was always the first looking for "rubbies" and hugs, and after 5 minutes of cautious inspection of visitors, would have no problem coming up and making friends. Titus would only warm up to someone after Abram had and seemed driven by jealousy of the attention given to Abram at times. Titus is as much an affectionate cat as Abram was, but it is on different and seemingly more strigent terms. I have to wonder that now that there is no other cat in the house (Titus doesnt get jealous of my Parrot, a sun conure named Duffy) if his "rules" will change about getting and giving attention. Based on how he as been acting today, searching the house, meowing loudly, etc, and probably wondering why I brought home the cat carrier without Abram which I hadnt done before, I have think Titus knows Abram is gone and is as lonely for Abram as I am already, and I dont know what to do about helping him (or myself for that matter) other than giving him more attention which may spoil him more than he already is. If anyone has suggestions how to help a pet who is grieving/searching constantly for a lost sibling/mate, I'd appreciate hearing them. Life is never going to be the same in this house without Abram. I'm not sure if I am going to get another cat just yet. I will probably wait for a while because I can't imagine my house without 2 cats under my feet (or huddled up in bed with me) all the time, but I'm afraid that Titus wont recieve new members well (we have had other cats over for short periods of babysitting and that didnt go too well).

I'm not really sure why I posted here other than I think putting this "out there" is somewhat theraputic for me. I sorta feel weird being a man and having these strong feelings over a losing a pet. And posting will memorialize Abram for a time as well, at least until I get he cremated remains back which will be in about 4-6 weeks according to the crematorium.

Sorry for all the details and rambling, and thank you for spending a few minutes reading it.

Zato,

There's very little I can say to make your pain go away but I certainly understand how you feel. Like you, Romeo was the first animal I've ever lost that was completely mine. I have another cat (and a new kitten now) but Romeo always greeted me at the door also and I also gave him the scratches and ear rubs like you. I lost him totally unexpectedly and never got to say goodbye or comfort him when the end came. So although our experiences are similar they are not identical. After I lost him I questioned why didn't I give him more attention when I walked through that door. Without going into a long story (you can read his story here if you wish http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.ph...&hl=&#entry5871 , I brought Romeo home from the vet thinking he was alive. I put his cage down and took off the lid and my other cat Juliet went up to him and smelled him for a few seconds. I think she knew he was dead. I don't know if that is more beneficial to the surviving cat then just coming home with an empty carrier, but with the way I lost Romeo I have to try and find the positives where I can. I know it is heartbraking for you to see Abram's brother looking for him and crying for him. I am afraid to get animal siblings because of the impact on the other when one dies. I know that is foolish because even if you buy 2 different kittens at the same time, they spend their whole lives together.

I'm sorry I'm not doing a very good job tonight of being comforting but I have some personal issues going on. I've been told that I am good at this sort of thing and someone asked me to respond to you. Please forgive me for not being able to give you the kind of response you and Abram deserve. I hope when I am feeling better I will be able to help you more and talk with you about your life with Abram. Just please understand that myself and others on this site know what you feel and what you are going through. Coming here as often as you need to will help more than you can imagine.

My sincerist condolonces on your loss and my prayers for your pain to go away are true.

Best of luck and shower Titus with all the affection you can.

Your friend,
Steve

One other thing. They sell a product that you can plug into a wall called Comfort Zone with Feliway. It is suppossed to help cats in stressful situations and also would be beneficial if you introduce a kitten to the household. I bought it when Romeo died for Juliet. As far as if it works, I don't know because the only way would be for me to compare it without using it when he died, and I only allowed a day or so to go by before I started using it. Here is a link to the manufacturer's website: http://www.felineway.com/

Also this is from the website: What is ComfortZone with Feliway?

If your cat is showing signs of continued stress, ComfortZone with Feliway may be able to help. ComfortZone is a unique electric diffuser that disperses Feliway into the environment through evaporation. Like the Feliway spray, ComfortZone also helps curb urine spraying and destructive clawing behavior.

The calming effect of the diffused Feliway is especially helpful if your cat is exhibiting other worrisome behaviors such as hiding, loss of appetite due to stress, or showing a decreased interest in playing or interaction with you or other cats in the household.

Just thought this might help with minimizing the impact on Titus.

Steve

I am so glad that you found this LS site as we have wonderful understanding people here. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Abram. He and his brother Titus both sound like they were and are wonderful loving babies. I'm sure that Titus does miss Abram so much too. I think your sun conure Duffy will look for his "flock" member too. I know our quaker parrot still says Snookie's name he is always looking for Chili Bean too.

You need not feel weird about posting just because you are a man. We have many wonderful men here who post about their precious babies. All people are welcome here, man, woman, girl, boy it does not matter. We all have broken hearts and are willing to share each other's pain.
Ann

Zato,

I read your story this morning with many tears, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 15 year old girl, Kasha, just over 5 months ago and she left behind her "brother" of 12 years, LeStat. LeStat sounds much like Titus (except much more timid) in the way that Kasha always lead the attention getting expedition, which would eventually drive LeStat out of hiding because he didn't want her getting all of the cuddles! Kasha was his courage in many situations, especially stressful ones, and always took the lead...and he happily followed her everywhere she went. Kash was a few years older than he was and took care of him like he was a bratty younger brother all of his life, he had not known much life before her.

When she passed he knew she was gone almost right away. We didn't bring the carrier into the house upon returning from the emergency vet clinic (I couldn't even look at it let alone bring myself to touch it) and he went crazy running around the house looking for her. She had spent the better part of a week lazing in the fall sun on our enclosed patio when she started to go downhill (she wouldn't come in for anything and when she was forced she would just ask to go back outside) and LeStat spent days by the back window, meowing for her, waiting for her to appear.

He fell into a pretty deep depression for a few months and took up residence in my bedroom, never coming out except for a quick snack, drink, and bathroom break once or twice a day. As time went on he withdrew further and further from me and by the end of the fourth month without Kasha he didn't even want me in the room with him, let alone get near him. I was at my witts end for a while there...I had no idea what to do. My vet advised me not to overdo the attention. He said that every single little adjustment to LeStat's regular routine would probably just upset him more and since I had just brought home a new baby (this one's human ) he figured that LeStat was stressed out enough. I was advised to leave him alone (unless he asked for some attention) through the day when I normally would have been at work and to try to spend an hour or two in the evening exclusively on him every night. When he started to come around I was told to increase his attention time bit by bit making sure not to "spoil" him rotten during working hours as I will be returning to work full time and don't want him used to hours of scratches and cuddles all afternoon.

So I guess my only advice to you (after this long story) is not to go too overboard on the attention front. Spend lots of good quality time with Titus but try not to change his expected routine too much. I tried the Feliway that Romeo's Daddy suggested but noticed no change BUT I have heard great things about the product. It might be worth a try in your house.....

I agree with you waiting a bit before adding a new feline family member. Adjusting to a new cat in the house is a big challenge for most felines and it often causes a lot of stress for them. When I brought our "kitten" home 2 years ago it took Kash and LeStat almost 6 months before they stopped trying to "kill" her every time I turned my back. They were NOT happy about the new addition in the slightest...to this day LeStat and Riley (kitten) don't get along (despite the fact that I often find them snuggled together on the bed when they don't know I'm looking!). I'd give both yourself and Titus the chance to adjust before taking on that challenge.

Time will heal all wounds and both you and Titus will feel more at peace as time goes on. I wish I had more helpful advice for you but all I can really offer is my experience. Keep loving Titus, just as you are, and in time he will feel more like himself again.

Take care,
Kristie

A picture of my boy cuddling daddy taken last week (as proof....things WILL get better:)

Steve,

You have nothing to be sorry for, your post was great and I do appreciate the effort despite your current situation. I feel badly for you about the way your buddy passed. I wish everyone had enough forewarning about their pet's "time" so they can be with them at the end to say goodbye and comfort them as I was with Abram. I read the story you gave the link to, and it reminded me of how Abram was in many ways, especially hiding in bags, and licking on the nose. Abram was quite the talker as is Titus, and the 3 of us could meow and yap all night it seemed at times, it was hilarious.

As far as the felineway product goes, it sounds promising and I will be looking into it if Titus continues pacing the house and meowing. He isnt peeing or hiding anywhere, just wanders about like he is lost. Lastnight was tough, he would climb into bed with me, and then climb back out. I think he knew that someone was missing from the pile and wanted to go get him. Neither of us slept very well.

Ann,

Thank you for welcoming me. I am a frequent poster on several other forums, mainly hobby related ones, and knew that there was more than likely a forum to deal with pet loss. It didnt take but a couple of minutes to find this site.

Duffy doesnt talk, and as far as I can tell, so far hasnt shown any sign that he realizes Abram is missing. The boys tended to shy away from him, which I think because his shrill screech hurt thier ears. He does pick up on my emotions fairly well and does react accordingly, and last night while I was on the PC, he snuggled under my flannel shirt and stayed quiet instead of trying to play like he usually does.

Abram was the kind of cat that even friends of mine who didnt care for cats would say he was the exception to thier dislike of them. All of my pets have some trait that most people pick up on and always have commented how cool they are (the only exception being the budgie, he is untamable and just a wild guy, but he makes the sweetest sounds so I dont press taming with him).

I have been blessed with some very cool pets for certain, and when the time comes to add another to my household, its going to be tough to find the right one. I read a post somewhere else on this forum asking the question if it was wrong to be browsing the internet looking at replacements, and I have to admit, I was doing that today during lunch. I have no idea why really, but I know I felt worse once I realized what I was doing. But I know I will end up with another puddy tat, its just a matter of when. I have had some folks suggest that I shouldnt wait too long otherwise Titus may become too territorial and never accept a new buddy. He has always had to Abram to snuggle with while Im at work or out for the weekend and the rational is that he probably would prefer having a companion, even if there is difficulty in acceptance at first. We have had "guests" stay with us before for a couple of days or so and neither of the boys tolerated it well and I have no idea how long it would take Titus to become tolerant of a new addition.

Kristie,

Thank you for your post, and I am sorry for your loss as well. Your picture of your boy cuddling with dad was awesome. Titus still piled on me for snuggles and snoozes lastnight, but he realized that there is supposed to be another in the pile and kept coming and going trying to find Abram so neither of us slept well.

If and when I do decide the time is right to bring home a new buddy, I will most likely get a large indoor kennel to keep him in while Im at work so that the 2 wont tear each other up and only allow him/her to run loose while Im there to supervise during the adjustment. At this point, Im wondering if maybe I should wait until Titus' time comes then after some period of time to deal with his loss, pick up 2 more litter mates like I did with these two. I dont know if I can wait that long though, I have always preferred 2 puddies to keep each other company and to have each other to play with while Im away. I dont know how Titus will be emotionally if he is alone all the time now and that worries me some.

Again, thank you all for replying. I really appreciate it, and it does make some of pain more bearable. I will be around for sometime I think because this is much harder to deal with than I expected, and I dont have much family to speak of or close enough to help either.

Zato,

I too began almost immediately seeking a replacement for Romeo. However, I didn't get a new kitty until about 3 months after Romeo died. What I can definitely tell you is that you will never find a replacement for Abram, but rather a new kitty who will have his own personality and hopefully will share some of the same traits as Abram. I realized this after getting the new kitty and I am okay with it. I wish with all my heart that I still just had Romeo, but obviously that is living in the past. The new kitten, Valentino, is wonderful and watching him only makes me remember Romeo more, and I am glad to be remembering rather than forgetting. It seems I had forgotten what having a kitten was like, so I have now adorned Valentino with appropriate nicknames such as "The Little Monster" and "The Little Terrorist". You will know when you are ready for a new member in your family. My vet also told me it might be better to get a new cat quickly so that Juliet didn't become too accustomed to being the only cat in the house. I would definitely recommend a kitten as an adult cat is less likely to feel threatened by a baby and will hopefully more readily accept him/her. That is another reason I used the Comfort Zone / Feliway product. If you do buy that product, understand that there is a difference between the spray form and the electronic diffuser form. The spray form is only for the destructive behavior and does not minimize the stress on the cat as does the diffuser form.

I am feeling somewhat better today so this reply comes easier to me than last night's. What I've discovered over time, unfortunately, is that it becomes harder and harder for me to come here to this site. Part of it is me moving on, but a lot of it is just that it is too difficult for me to reply to so many of those who need the support. My responses come from my heart and it just takes too much out of me. I feel guilty that I do not reply to everyone who is hurting or mourning. I just read a post on here about a cat that was lost after 17 years. I cannot remember the names but I know that woman deserves a reply and yet I don't have the strength to do so. I have to remind myself that there are others on this site that are perhaps stronger than me and that will help those who need it most. But I want people to know that I still care, even if I don't post. I'm sure you will find, as I have, that helping others on this site is as beneficial a treatment for your sorrow as the replies we all have received.

As always, post whenever you need to and someone will always reply. Good luck on the roller coaster of emotions you are going through and I hope you will keep us up to date when you finally do bring a new kitty into your home.

Your friend,

Steve

Steve,

I plan on waiting for a period of time, not sure how long, but it will most likely be a few months at least, before seriously considering bringing a new puddy home. I want to see how Titus behaves for a bit, and see how my feelings doing are after a while too. Today for me at work was a little tough, but I made it through out the day without jumping on anyone, or having a serious "grief moment". I think I spent more time thinking about how Titus was doing than I was thinking about Abram not being around anymore. I haven't really had a bad grief moment this evening (at least not until I started this post) and I think most of my grief during yesterday was from actually watching Abram's last moments which was very hard. It was not something I had planned for and when the emergency room doctor asked if I wanted to be there, I didnt really prepare myself for what would happen, I just said absolutely.

My normal vet and I had discussed Abram's illness on several occasions recently and I was already preparing myself for the eventuality of him passing on, but even my regular vet had expected him to be doing ok for sometime yet. I just didnt expect it to be right away and thought there would be a more gradual decline to the finality. As I said in yesterday's post, he acted as he always did when I got home, and it wasnt until about 45-60 minutes later that he started having trouble, which at the time, seemed to be another of his vomiting episodes until the 3rd and 4th time he vomitted, then I knew something was wrong. But even then, I still didnt really think he was near the end, I thought at most he would need some time in the hospital under vet care at most for dehydration and treatment. I guess that part was denial but he had needed IV's and direct vet care after similar events, and I think that it caught me unprepared.

I don't want to replace Abram because thats not realistic, each cat is as unique as a snowflake and so are thier personalities. I have had several other cats in my life (including with my family) and each was very different. One very independant, another very shy, and both Titus and Abram being very affectionate to the point of being demanding at times, so when I start looking for a new addition, I already know that I will dealing with a new and unique personality when I find the one that I "just cant resist". To me, that is part of the challenge in raising a new friend, and helps keep each pet's place inside. If they were all similar, it would eventually be harder to remember which memories belong to which buddy.

As far as Titus goes, this evening since I have gotten home, he has been a little quieter than yesterday but he is still going from room to room and going to Abram's fav spots where he used to hide, sleep, sit, etc, looking for him. I gave him dinner and he didnt eat much of it. Normally, he has to share with Abram and I wonder if maybe he is waiting for Abram to come eat with him. The dry food he has for during the day while Im at work hadn't been touched either. Considering Titus is a little overweight, Im not worried about how little he eats right now. Its also entirely possible that Abram with hyperthyroid did most of the consuming of the food during the day and Titus just doesnt eat as much. I had focused on Abram maintaining weight and gaining some if possible that I havent really paid that close of attention to Titus' eating habits. This maybe normal for him, only time will tell, I guess.

I can understand how you feel about helping out and having it affect you. It can not be an easy thing to keep your own grief separate from others. I tried reading some of the other posts and in most cases, I just couldnt finish them they were so sad. Hopefully, I will be able to get to a point where I can help others, but right now, I just dont know how some of you find the strength to be so supportive after losing a buddy so soon. I will say however, that if you cant continue to post too help others, then at least don't stop checking in once in a while for your own support reasons.

Thank you for everything you've done and take care of yourself,

Zato
aka Dave

Thanks for posting Sen,

Your post IS helpful as is everyone else who has posted. Everyone here has been dealing with a loss, and understands what each is going thru. Posting to support someone else is, many times, as important and theraputic to the person posting as the person being posted for.. I hope that made sense. Don't worry about rambling, I do it alot myself with my posts..

Titus is still having trouble dealing with being alone I think. Lastnight, he had another troubled night sleeping with me. He keeps getting up and pacing the house like he knows that there are supposed to be 3 of us in the "pile" and is looking for Abram. He and Abram have never been separated this long and I think its going to be hard for him for a while.

The time will come when you will know you are ready for a new fuzzball to come into your home or not. I have already been considering it, though I will wait for a few months. I would have had more cats if it hadnt been for most of the apartments I've lived in limiting me to 2. But after some time to deal with the grief, in myself as well as Titus, I am sure that I will have another fuzzybutt to raise and develop a new relationship with. I don't think I could deal with Abram's loss without Titus (and my conure, Duffy) being around, and Im sure when Titus' times comes, I will need the support of the new addition as well.