All I ever do anymore is second guess my decision to have my cat Ashley put to sleep. The vet told me his liver and spleen were eaten up with tumors, which sounded so scary to me. He said with chemo he might conceivably have another 6 months or more. I thought it would't be worth the unpleasantness of the chemo. But now I think, damn, I could have had another 6 months with him! Maybe I didn't give him enough credit, maybe he could have come through it all right.

I would choose life for him next time. I can't shake the feeling that my decision was too hasty and panicky.

Margo,
I think if you would have put him thru the pain of the chemo it would have been a selfish act on your part to get another 6 months out of him so to speak. I think you did the humane thing by putting him out of his pain. What you did was an act of love and he knows it. Hang in there. Rusty :-))

Dear Margo,

After we make the euthanasia decision, many times we get caught in the "what if," "should have," "could have," guilt cycle. I think it's a normal phase of the grieving process. Ashley was probably suffering a lot when you made the decision to have him put to sleep, and although the chemo may have extended his life, his quality of life might not have been better. I think your decision to put him to sleep was the right one. My dog Shiloh went through 3 months of chemo, she was lucky that she tolerated the chemo well, and she was such a brave little patient, but after going through this experience...seeing all the injections, IV's, pills, diet restrictions, and blood tests Shiloh endured, I decided that I would never put any of my kitties through chemo. I have 3 kitties and I love them dearly, but I think putting them through what Shiloh went through, would almost be cruel. I'm speaking strictly for my kitties...I know some people elect to go the chemo route with their kitties, and their kitties do well, but my kitties don't like rides in the car, and really dislike trips to the vet, so putting them through a weekly, sometimes 2 times a week, trip to the vet just wouldn't be quality life.

I hope this helps.
Kathleen

Thanks, you guys, I guess you have a point. Kathleen, I didn't know much about what chemotherapy involves, I just had a vague sense that it had bad side effects. Ashley had been an abused cat and I didn't want him to go through more trauma. But then I read where pets tolerate chemo better than people, and I started to feel I had been too hasty.

If it is like what you described, 3 months of injections, blood tests, etc, I guess Ashley would not have been happy with that. It's just that he spent the last week of his life in the vet's office awaiting results of tests. I could have taken him home and brought him back for his exploratory surgery but I guess I just got used to him being there--I figured I would take him home when we knew what was wrong with him. Maybe I was in denial, but I never expected terminal cancer. I never thought he wouldn't come home at some point. There is a feeling of incompleteness, because I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.

Margo,
I agree with the other posters. It was an act of love and you did the right thing -Ashley knows this. Remember that even if you'd had six more months with him it still wouldn't have been enough. You made the decision that was best for him and many of us might not have had the courage to do that. Thinking of you, Jenny

Margo,

Your Ashley and Bubba had almost all the same symptoms. I have been meaning to send you an email because I understand everything you are going thru. I had to take Bubba into exploratory surgery because he was getting sicker and we had thought it was only an infection. When the vet called me and told me Bubba had tumors on his spleen and kidneys, I had to let him go. To wake him up from the surgery would have been torture for him, he would have never recovered. I regret the fact that I didn't go to the vets office while he was under and hold him while the doctor gave him the shot. I had that choice. I just didn't think it was necessary since he was asleep already. I loved that cat so much for 14 1/2 years and it hurts so bad...As he was becoming sicker he was beginning to disassociate himself from me and that really hurt too. He was always my best buddy that slept with me, and followed me where ever I was in the house. When I was sick he never left my side, he was just an awsome guy! If you ever need to talk to somebody please PM or Email me.. I understand your grief

Kim

Sometimes when we think we have done the wrong thing it is because it is so painful to us. But like Kathleen and the others said Ashley may not have had a very good quality of life had you given him Chemo. I know all of us wants to extend the life of our babies at any cost. But sometimes it may be more than what our babies can bare. Thinking of you.
Ann

Bless you Ann, I know you have gone though so much and you still reach out to us here and help us. Yes, that was what was uppermost in my mind too--I told the vet "you had better go on and give him the injection before he wakes up." For some reason my mind was filled with the thought of him waking up in pain. I have wondered if that thought crowded out everything else and caused me to make an unfair or irrational decision. But maybe my instinct was sounder than I thought.

I just have daydreams of taking him home from the vet's office and re-establishing a bond with him. I wonder if he was scared at the vet's or thought he wasn't my cat anymore. I feel bad for not visiting him while he was there. I saw him briefly on Monday afternoon, and got the call from the vet Tuesday morning. The whole thing is just consuming me. It's like I have to go over and over it from every angle...what if I had done this instead...I guess you understand that.

Dear Margo, I do not think your mind was so upset that you made an unfair or irrational decision. I believe you felt with all your heart that it was the best thing to do. I do understand all the guilt and doubts about the decisions each of us had to make. Having to do so under pressure just seemed to make matters worse.

I'm sure your Ashley still knew how much you loved him. He knew you took him from a horrible life and gave him love and food and took care of his needs. I know he had to have felt so loved and wanted when you took him in. I think they know when we have to take them to the vet's to get them well. I believe they still feel surrounded by our love even though they might not understand what is going on.
Love, Ann

Dear Margo,

My take on the chemo thing is this... We want our babies to stay with us as long as possible. We want them HERE and will begin chemo treatments if it means they are with us for even a few weeks or months longer. But: What does it feel like to the poor animal? We see how humans suffer from chemo and they have the ability to voice that pain, sickness and discomfort... out babies don't have that luxury.

Inky could have had the same thing, but I felt that if I did this I was doing it for myself, not him. He suffered enough and I didn't want to make him feel worse than he already did. There would have been no quality of life, just existance.

You did the right thing for your baby. Second guessing yourself is as normal as the sunrise, but rest assured that you most certainly did want was best for Ashley and, absolutely, the most unselfish gift you could have ever provided to him.

Stop beating yourself up!!!

Hugs,

Pat

Your responses have convinced me that I did indeed do the right thing. I guess it was Ashley's time. I just wish he hadn't spent that week in the vet's office. It was mainly for convenience, I figured "well I'll just have to take him back in anyway." But I feel I wasn't there when he needed me. And there were no other animals being kept, just him. I know he must have been lonely. But I try to concentrate on the good times we had, I hope the many good days cancel out that last week.