I've had a strange shift in my feelings towards Luba. She feels as though she is nearer to me, and yet further at the same time. It's hard to put it into words. It's as though she's looking on, watching from somewhere very close, yet the things about everyday life with her are fading. It seems as though I've adapted to not having her around, and yet she is still so much a part of me.

I'm glad that it feels this way.

Hey Steph,

It is great to hear how you are feeling about Luba. I know your love is never ending and your memories together are a great strength to a new journey of happiness.

I feel the same way...........getting better each day. But, like yesterday, I am driving my car to go to an important business meeting, so I am dressed, make up on....the works....and all of a sudden.........out of no where, there's that feeling of dread and I started crying and was emotionally zapped with thoughts of Esabella. This was not the time to be in tears..........but I had no control at that moment. I looked over on the passenger seat where she always would be when we rode together and had a few thoughts, prayed and pulled myself back together.

Amazing...........how emotions take over when you are truly trying to get on in life.

I wish you many more good feelings......

Litebrez

Dear Steph, I guess it just proves that we learn to go about our daily lives without seeing them and yet feeling them near us. Maybe there is hope that all of us once again can be at least content until we find peace down the road. I am glad my darling Snookie came to me in my dream, I was feeling at the end of my rope not knowing which way to turn until then.
Love, Ann

Litebrez, I've had that happen with the sudden rush of feelings and tears too. Usually it's on my way to work. Luba used to come to work with me a lot. I don't drive, so we walked there together. It was so great having her come with me. Falkor is definitely not able to handle even a quarter of that walk, so I go solo.

Ann, it sounds like you are slowly healing too. Your babies, both here and beyond are so happy about that.

Dear Steph,

I know you lost Luba a couple of months before I lost Shiloh, and I've kind of gauged my grief based on your journey. I find comfort in knowing that I, too, will be where you are someday. I actually feel like I'm approaching that point, and it feels okay.

Thank you for sharing your journey through grief...it really has helped me a lot.
Kathleen

I sure hope that I will make it to that point someday. I think I will, but it is so hard to imagine right now. I think Luba would be very proud of you. You have helped so many others who have suffered great losses. I am still in the very sad phase. It gets better and worse, depending on the day. Fridays hit me the hardest, as that was the day she died. Thanks for sharing your journey...

Caroline

Kathleen, the healing seems to come in installments. Strangely, I had an extremelly bad turn just before things started really improving. Yes, you'll get there too.

Caroline, I did the whloe thing with the day annivesary for about six months. Every Thursday it was "she collapsed on this day x number of weeks ago" Saturdays were the worst because "she died x number of weeks ago". When I started to forget the annivesaries I first felt very guilty, but that passed away too. I still sometimes think of my Luba on Saturdays at noon, but I honestly can't even say how many weeks ago it was, and often I don't think about it. Month anniversaries are still biggies though. I always get sad. I guess that too shall pass.

Thank you both for telling me that I've helped you. I always hoped that SOMETHING good must come from this.

Hi Steph,

You've helped me too, esp your timeline of your grieving process so far. My journey through this has pretty much mirrored yours.

I am coming up on 7 months now since my Jake died, and... well, it's a little easier but it's sad in a different way. It makes me sad to realize that I am forgetting the infinite little moments during the day that made up life with him. I am forgetting what was like to look in his eyes, so full of love. I am forgetting all the little noises he used to make throughout the day, he was a "talker": his little 'aroo' just to say 'hey there'; his growly huff harumph when he wanted to play; the happy longer waaaooooooooooooooo out the window when he saw me coming back home; and the way he used to 'purr' when I would scratch his cheeks while he was sleeping - he would start this little snoring/breathing thing that was affection I think, he sounded just like a cat purring.

Jake had alot of little 'freckles' all over his white fur and I used to try to memorize the patterns on him so I would never forget. Of course I couldn't do it when he was living and it's even more of a struggle now with him gone, Thank God for photographs. I don't know what people did before they had photographs; oil portraits I guess and before that? They just lost how their loved ones looked.

The forgetting is sad and hurts a little bit, but it's nothing compared to those first few weeks and months. The pain is still as deep and it's still there, because I can go back to square one in a second - all I have to do is think about the end and I am in tears again instantly. But I don't want to go there. I guess it is natural and neccessary to have some forgetting or else we could not keep on living without them, we wouldn't be able to move on. I like what you said in another thread about the 6-7 month mark, Steph:

Life is now "life without Luba", not "life can't be without Luba".

I guess that is exactly where I am at now, and you articulated it so well.