I wrote a post titled Turn Back The Clock To Christmas Day on Feb.26th. But after I thought about it for a little while I knew I would never turn back the clock even if I could. I would love to hold my Snookie, kiss her and whisper words of love in her ear just one more time.

But she was so sick Christmas Day and never would I put her through that again. My heart was breaking and shattering like glass into a million pieces on that day as I watched her become more weak and frail by the minute. I knew I was losing her and there was nothing I could do.

I wanted to fling myself on Snookie and beg God to take me and not my precious baby that I had loved for so long. She was my world, my hearbeat and I was sure I would die without her in my arms.

I sung her a song all her life; Rock a bye baby in Mama's arms, Mama will keep you from all of life's harms. On and on I would sing about protecting her and keeping her safe.

I found that I Ann Howard had no power to save her, all the strength I thought I possessed meant nothing. I found that love no matter how great could not save my baby. She was being ripped from my arms and there was nothing I could do.

I could not keep her safe as I promised her in that song I had sung to her for so many years. I tried my best I gave my all but still she was so sick. Her body was ravished by cancer, cushing's disease, and by diabetes in the end. There was nothing that could be done for my precious little girl Snookie.

So here I sit a broken woman, who who now fights hard to find some laughter when I once laughed so easily. My husband heard me laughing at something the other day for the first time in a long time. I was really laughing hard at something so silly. He came into the room with tears in his eyes and said he has missed the sound of my laughter so much.

Even though I know my grandbaby Chili Bean and my Snookie Cookie would want me to carry on without them until I am reunited with them, sometimes I feel so guilty to even think about laughing.

Losing both my girls so close together was so tragic that the laughter died. I feel I should still be somber and not finding joy in some things so soon. I feel I am being disloyal to them because I am not crying as often as I was. I am almost afraid to find joy and laughter for fear my girls will think I do not miss them, do not love them as much, do not........!!!!!!!! Well I'm sure most of you can fill in the rest.
Ann

Ann,

You did keep your promise to Snookie. You did keep her safe her entire life. You kept her warm, fed, and well loved. It is not a broken promise that you couldn't keep her from leaving you. I firmly believe that our lost ones are all at the bridge waiting for us when our time comes ... this means that your Snookie is perfectly safe right now, playing and in no pain and when the time comes she will meet you and you will be together for always. I firmly believe this because to believe anything else would be just too devastating.

The laughter will come back ... slowly maybe but it will come back. It took me a very long time before I could smile and enjoy things without feeling guilty but your two "kids" know you loved them and it isn't a betrayal to their memory to enjoy life again. They no doubt wish nothing different but it is still hard. My heart goes out to you and I am hoping that you can find the sun again soon.

Hugs,
Beth

You could ease her pain no longer so you let her go to the only safe place there is.




Oh i remember that one so well and the feeling of guilt goes on and on.

Everything you are going through is the natural process of grief, it is a very hard lesson but you will come through.

Love Sue

Dear Ann,

I know that time heals some of the pain we experience after we lose our babies, but not even time can fill the emptiness we feel with their absence.

I know exactly what you're feeling...sometimes when I feel I've healed a bit, I start to worry that it might hurt Shiloh's feelings, but then I think about how loving and compassionate Shiloh was and I know she would want me to laugh again, and to enjoy life in general. I think that Snookie probably feels the same way.

Believe me, I know it's hard. I'm coming up on Shiloh's 6 month anniversary and I feel I've regressed a bit, but I'm still trying to continue my healing process to honor Shiloh's memory.

Take care, Ann.
Love,
Kathleen

Dear Ann,

You have been through SO much!!!!! I am just SO sorry that you are still feeling so much guilt.

You certainly DID keep your promises! You kept those precious girls fed, warm and happy. You held them right to the end and NEVER let them down.

Oh Ann, you seem to understand that they have gone to a MUCH better place right now. However, have you thought that maybe Snookie and Chili Bean are not able to relax and have fun because of your pain? I try to appear "normal" around my house as often as I can. I don't want my sweet loving Rachael to worry about me. She loved me as much as your little girls loved you, so I KNOW they wouldn't want you to be so unhappy either. I worry that maybe Rachael will feel like she can't go play and have fun because she has to watch over me all the time. One day we will meet up again. Until that day I want her to have the VERY BEST time, running and playing without that nasty arthritis bothering her anymore.

I understand it is normal to think that you shouldn't laugh and be happy. However, I have tried to break out of that as best I can. I love Rachael and miss her SO VERY much! I know that having my new furbaby Brandy (and my furboy Danny) will NOT make me forget her. I also believe that laughing again and living my life will NOT mean that I don't miss her every single day. It will mean that she has moved on to the next stage and is VERY warm and safe now. That nasty cancer that caused her so much pain here, isn't bothering her anymore. Someday I will move to that next stage too, and my sweetheart will be there waiting for me.

Ann, please try to stop the guilt. You KNOW Snookie and Chili Bean would NOT want you suffering so much.

Hugs,
Cheri

i know how you feel ann, i feel that i am moving through my grief too fast and that makes me feel guilty as well. but just as cheri said, snookie and chili bean would not want you to be in so much pain. they would want you to laugh and have a great time. just because you are not crying over them doesn't mean that you love or miss them less. we are human and we have other responsibilities, just like you did when your babies were here with you. put a smile on your face and rest assured that snookie and chili bean are smiling back at you. ah

Dear Ann,

There is no one on Earth who loved their girls more than you. You did everything possible for them while they were with you. They had a such a wonderful life with you..............the best. You need to laugh again and will not be disloyal to Snookie and Chili Bean if you do. It's hard, I know. I used to laugh so much that our ##atiel would laugh with me. Neither of us has laughed in a very long time.

Hang in there Ann and take care of yourself. You have helped so many people with your kind words. I hope that in time you can enjoy your life again.

Love,
Lynn

Ann,

I know what you mean about feeling guilty for laughing. My Lola did something so cute the other day and I laughed and instantly felt bad. But then I thought about it. If Sammy is looking down on me what would cause him more unhappiness...seeing me sad and miserable or seeing me happy. Sammy being the angel he is I know would not rest happy as long as I was in despair. So I try and put on a brave front for his sake and for my 3 remaining furbabies. From your stories and just looking at the pictures of your babies I know they would hurt to see you hurt. So don't feel bad for feeling a little joy. I'm sure it makes their day to see you smile and hear you laugh.

I have been going thru alot of grieving this week for Bubba, and I to wished that I could turn the hands of time backward. I agree with you Ann, if I turned the hands backward for my own happiness, I would find Bubba suffering again. I really miss him with all my heart, but to see him suffer again would only break my heart again......

Thanks everyone I cried when I read your posts. I seem to have lost all control over my emotions since my babies left this world. Somedays I am ok then there are the days that hit me so hard. I think when I try to play with Schnitzel and I try to sing songs to her it makes me feel worse.

I think of my little Snookie looking down and thinking that is just for mama and me. But I know my Snookie loved me so much she would be happy for me and want me to be happy. So I try to give the puppy all the love I can and do the things I did with Snookie.

My little girl was never jealous when I played with Chili Bean or my other fur grand babies.When I burst out crying little Schnitzel doesn't know why. She stops and stares at me and then gives me kisses. Then when my tears stop we go on playing as though nothing happened.

I would not want to make my girls unhappy for anything in this world. I want them to be able to run and play and have fun while they wait for me. I am glad I am not alone in the feelings of guilt I have over finding just a little happiness.

I really do question as to whether I have lost my mind. I used to feel so in control of my emotions and thoughts before my Snookie died. Now I never know when and where I might have an outburst of crying or even just tears welling up in my eyes.

I used to rely on my strength to get me through things that I believed were to hard to bear. I am a survivor, I know I mention strength a lot but that really is what helped me get through this life with my mind in tact after the horrors I suffered as a child.

Here I am going to be 52 in August and I feel like some little lost child who is helpless and hopeless. If I can't quit crying I might make my girls unhappy while they wait for me. I am not eating or sleeping much again, maybe I have lost my mind and just don't know it. Could that happen and a person not know it? I hate it that I can't come to grips with losing my precious girls. What am I going to do now if I can't come through this?
Love, Ann

Dear Ann,

Here are my thoughts on the losses we've suffered and why we grieve so strongly over losing our furbabies...

Snookie, Chili Bean, and Shiloh were an extremely important part of our lives. We trained them, we played with them, we gave them part of ourselves, we loved them, and in return, they gave us part of themselves and they loved us unconditionally. Most importantly, they were a constant in our lives...when everyone else let us down, we could always depend on them to be there with a smile, a kiss, and open paws. They never passed judgment on us...we never had to offer them excuses for supper being a little late...they didn't think we were too fat or too skinny...they never criticized the clothes we wore...like I said, they loved us unconditionally. Now they're gone. Ann, we've lost a part of ourselves, and the void we feel is immense. I don't think you've lost your mind...I just think you're grieving. Be patient with yourself...let yourself feel those feelings. You are a strong woman, Ann, and you will make it through this. You'll make it through this and be stronger than you are today.

Snookie doesn't want you to be sad, but she knows and she understands that you miss her.

You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Kathleen

Dear Kathleen, You are so right about the love and loyality of our precious babies. They were the very best part of our lives and they always thought we were so wonderful regardless of what we are like. I thought Chili Bean was really great and as far as I was concerned my darling Snookie had no faults at all. Her only flaw was a little bit of barking but that is the way the miniature schnauzer is. But I really did think she was perfect in everyway.

I asked my doctor if he thought I had lost my mind. He too said I was just grieving for the lost love of my life. He said from our conversations over the years he knew how much I loved both Chili Bean and Snookie. He told me had I gone crazy that I would not know it because people do not know it when they go crazy. He said they would never admit it if they had gone crazy. The doctor told me to rest easy that this too would pass and I would be alright one day. I sure hope so because I didn't like the idea that I might have gone crazy.
Love, Ann

Dear Ann,

You're far from crazy. You just loved your precious girls so much. It's hard to learn to live without their physical presence. We can't change the fact that our beloved pets are gone from our sight. We must go on, keeping them in our memories and that is the most difficult thing to do. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I gave Rusty the best possible life. He (after he came to live with us) never had a day when he didn't feel loved. He had all of his favorite foods and people to kiss him on his soft furry head. He wallowed in the attention. He's not the one in pain now.....I am and I'd rather it be me. I'd hate to think of him having lived his life in a hutch in someone's backyard, never knowing love or contentment.

Snookie and Chili Bean enjoyed that same kind of life. They were so loved by you and Clair and your wonderful children and grandchildren. Please try to remember all the happiness you gave Snookie and Chili Bean and how much they enjoyed bringing happiness to you.

If you're crazy, Ann then we all are!

Hang in there. As Kathleen said, you are strong and you will make it through.

Love,
Lynn

Thanks Lynn, For your words of encouragement. My girls never went without anything that they needed in life to make them happy. I am thankful Clair and I had the means to meet the needs of their medical care. We always gave them good medical care, kept them up to date on their shots, and kept them flea free. We had Chili Bean and Snookie both spayed and now Gypsy Rose and Schnitzel are spayed too. Poor Chili Bean got pyometra that nearly took her life and I did not want that to happen to the rest of them.

They have always had toys, balls, tug of war toys, and children's pools, birthday parties and things like that. They were always feed the best food and fresh water everyday. Clair said he was glad they were small and didn't eat much because their food cost so much money. He didn't mind buying it though nor all the sweaters to keep them warm and other things we bought to make their lives good for them. Of course there was plenty of hugs and kisses and holding going on too.

We took them for car rides all the time when the weather was good. And of course Snookie went to work every day with me and she loved it. When she got to ill to go I gave my notice and quit work so I could be with her. Oh I am so glad I don't have to feel guilty about the kind of life I gave them.

I shudder to think of poor little Rusty if he would have spent his life outside in a hutch. That is so wonderful Rusty was part of your family and was so loved and lived in your home. Lynn, Rusty looked pretty huge in some of the pictures you posted. How much did he weigh and how long was he and what breed was he? He really was a doll.
Love, Ann

Hi Ann,
I havent had a chance to catch up on how you are doing. I remeber the feeling you are talking about..the laughing and feeling guilty for it. I really like the way Kathleen put it into persepctive...it is the part of learning to live with out them ..that is so so hard, the day to day...I think you are coming along fine given what has happened the last few months of 04.
Please dont be so hard on yourself and just go with the feelings, it is the pain pouring out of our inner most being....that is why you feel like you are going crazy...be patient with your self my friend. Love Pamela