Hi, I'm new here...I just made the decision last night to put my cat to sleep...I feel like a murderer...I'm so heart stricken and overwhelmed with grief, I don't know what to do...I guess I'll just type a little about it, in hope of feeling better and recieving support.

Kiwi was 17 (3 months to 18). My dad bought him for me when I was 14....my dad fell ill suddenly at the end of last year and I made the choice to take him of life support, now a year later I was presented with this decision again. I'm just so sick to my stomach.....

Kiwi had kidney failure but he was on a special diet and getting fluids everyday...then Sunday he could not go to the bathroom, I tried to clean him up and he could not get back up once I was done, he would not eat...the same on Monday, when I took him to the vet Monday night for fluids, I had a feeling in my gut this was it...and it was. It was so hard to make this decision and I feel very selfish for wanting to keep him alive but now I feel like I ended his life too early...maybe he had a few more months..but would those months involve suffering...like he did on Sunday and Monday...these are the thoughts that keep going through my head...I'm so depressed about losing him.

My other cat Sierra keeps on looking for him and is not eating very much...I feel so bad for her. I keep on thinking why didn't I take him home last night and spend one more night with him, why why why???? It's tearing me apart. Well thanks for listening, hope to hear from somebody who understands,my friends and family think I'm being rediculous, it hurts...thanks again.

Hi Kiwis mum,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Kiwi, and would just like to say that in no way are you a murderer, what you did for Kiwi was out of the kindness of your heart and not for any selfish reason at all.

I had my dog Jude put to sleep back in March and understand why you are saying these things and all I can say to you is when you made the decision it was with your heart, it is your head now that is trying to understand what has happened, and in my book it will be a long time before our heads ever have the hope of understanding our hearts.

If you scroll to the top of this page and click Death and Dying Support, at the top of that page if you click ‘A guide to the healing process’ there are some suggestions on how to handle Sierra’s grief as well as what you yourself can expect in the next few days/weeks.

As for our relatives, we must pity them their loss of never having the pleasure of knowing what unconditional love is.

Love Sue

Oh, sweetie,
You're not in ANY way being ridiculous. Grief is what happens when we lose something we love. And you loved kiwi for 17 years -- through adolescence and into adulthood. It would be ridiculous if you did NOT feel the loss.

I feel the same way about having put Freyja to sleep this summer. She was a 14 year old dog and very arthritic-- in the last months, we'd have to carry her out to potty bc she couldn't do the steps at our doors. Then she had a stroke or something and couldn't move anything but her head... so we did the horrible thing. It's been over 6 months but I still feel like I killed her. We had her for about 3 days (it was a holiday weekend and that was as quick as we could get the appt) after the stroke, and she didn't seem to be in any pain -- in fact, less pain than she'd been in before. And when the vet did it, she fought so hard to not go....

Then we had to put Electra to sleep a week ago. She was a 15 year old FIV cat --also in renal failure. She was wasting and so thin that we could not give her fluids-- there was no flesh to put the needle in. She had also stopped eating. Lec was easier in many ways -- she was so clearly in pain, and suffering so much and begging me to make the pain go away.... but it still hurts me. She went a lot easier than Frey did. And I know Frey and Saki were waiting for her... and now all three are waiting for me... but it still hurts me...

But that is the point, I guess. You didn't kill Kiwi. What you did was choose to take on a tremendous amount of pain and suffering so Kiwi would not have pain and suffering. Your heart knows that kiwi was not going to get better. And as a loving parent, you chose that you would feel pain rather than him.

As for Sierra -- she is going to miss him and look for him and call for him. Try to comfort each other...

I am sorry for your losses of Kiwi and of your Dad. Be gentle and loving to yourself as you try to get through this hard time.

Love,
Jennifer

First, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are no doubt feeling. Ignore your relatives and let yourself experience the grief that is so necessary for the healing process. You are NOT being ridiculous ... you are being completely and totally normal in everything you are feeling and thinking.

I had to let my best friend go in September. He was a big part of my life for over 16 years and unfortunately I had to make the decision to let him go. The things you are feeling and thinking I felt as well. I too felt like a murderer and that maybe I shortened his life unnecessarily. But, as was stated above that is your head trying to come to terms with what your heart did out of love. Letting your loved ones go is the most unselfish act you can do for them ... please try and remember that. You made a conscious decision to accept the pain yourself rather than let your loved continue on in pain and suffering. Always remind yourself of that when your head starts to take you to that place where you feel so guilty. Kiwi knew you loved him ... and he is waiting now for you at Rainbow Bridge with so many other little ones.

As for Sierra, after Snoopy went to the bridge my sisters little Maltese came over and ran through the house crying and upset because he couldn't find Snoopy anywhere. I sat down with him and explained to him what had happened. I'm not sure if he understood or not but he did stop looking for Snoops and he stopped crying. Have you tried explaining to Sierra what happened. Also, spend time with Sierra ... you both can help each other get through this trying time together.

Again, my condolences are with you ... it is hard to lose a pet and even worse when it happens around the holidays. I wish the best for you and Sierra ... feel free to come here and write your feelings ... noone here will think you are being ridiculous as we have all been where you are at one time or another.

Hugs,
Beth