Hello all,

My beloved maltese dog, Xuxa, died yesterday, 3-5-05 at 5:20pm. She had a bad heart and her kidneys were failing. She had a rough week and friday we decided to hospitalize her, she was put in the oxigen tank and was ok, but would get sick when removed from it. Saturday morning the dr. called me and said she had eaten a little and was stable. I was so happy to hear that, but at 5:3o pm he called to say she had passed away. I am devastated, I cannot shake the thought off my head that she died because she was so stressed to be alone in a hospital. I know she was very old, almost 14, but I only wish I had been there, to hold her, so that she could have died in my arms. Instead, she died in the dr.'s arms. I hospitalized her because I thought she could get some help, she was panting and wheezing at home, but now I think, maybe if I had waited she would have died with me. I can't get over this. Has anyone gone through something similar? Do you think she thought I had abandoned her there? I am heartbroken, she was my baby for 14 years.

I am very sorry to hear about your baby. I do not believe she thought you abandoned her -- not at all. You were trying to save her and do what was best for her, and I'm sure she knew that. No matter how they go, it still hurts like nothing else. We all have different stories, but our feelings are the same. We miss them like crazy, we feel guilt over things done and/or not done. We never get over the loss, but somehow we learn to live with it in time.

There will be others to share their stories and thoughts with you. Until then, please read some of the stories here. You will definitely know you are not alone.
My heart goes out to you. I know the unbearable pain of it all.
Marcia

I am deeply sorry over the loss of your little one. The guilt you are feeling is perfectly normal. I think its part of the process. We all here deeply loved our lost little ones and you are no different. With this love, we somehow think that we can control what happens and that somehow we missed something or should have done something different. Unfortunately, there is no way to know the what might have happened. You did what you thought was best and from the sound of things I think you made the right decision. Yes, she might have died in your arms had you not taken her to the hospital but what kind of death would that have been. She was having trouble breathing and you helped her to make that easier. She was in a place with people who were better able to care for her and you made that possible. She knew you loved her ... she shared her life with you. Never let the last few minutes, hours, or days take the place of the years and years you were together. You loved her ... she loved you and she knew she was loved.

Hugs,
Beth

Dear Lalina,

I am so sorry that you lost your friend Xuxa.

Your and Xuxa's story is a very close match to mine and my border collie, Luba, except that Luba had only just turned 9 when it happened.

In a nutshell: Wednesday June 2nd in the evening I was out playing ball with her, June 3rd she had collapsed and could hardly get about. Thinking that she had been poisoned, or had eaten something bad, I brought her in to the vet's immeidiately. They ran many tests and discovered that she had congestive heart failure, and her kidneys and liver were failing.

After I had dropped her off at the vet's on that Thursday morning. I repeatedly asked to go see her, but they said that her heart was extremelly weak, and they were trying to stabilize her. They believed that the stress of me departing after visiting her would tax her very weak heart too much, and would put her at risk for heart attack.

Saturday June 5th I spoke to the vet at 11:30 am. He said that Luba had stabilized slightly, and that she was eating. This was great news to hear, since she had refused food the previous days. An hour and a half later the vet called back with the devasting news that she had passed during his lunch break. Heart attack. I was in a state of shock for weeks.

I wish I could tell you that the devastation that you are feeling will go away quickly. For me, it did not. It does get better though. The first weeks are the hardest. There are ups and downs on the road to feeling better.

Like you, I have struggled with the feelings of "I wish I could have kept her home and she would not have died alone." One has to realise though that if we had kept them home and they would have passed we would now be on this site saying "I wish I would have brought her to the vet."

If you have time, take a look at the thread that I wrote called "My Journey through Grief". It is in the death and dying section. I will bump it to the top for you. It gives a weekly/monthly account of how the grieving process proceeded in my case. Some have told me that reading the thread have helped them.

PMS me anytime.

Steph

I've just noticed another similarity: based on the date of your first post, your Xuxa died exactly 9 months to the day that my Luba died, and in such a similar way.

Oh please don't blame yourself for the death of your precious Xuxa and her being without you there. She knew that she was your baby and you loved her with all your heart. Had you not taken her to the hospital she may have suffered a terrible death with out help. I'm sure she felt your love and you concern that she was sick. Xuxa must have known how much you loved her and would never believe you abandoned her. She loves you still and is waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge with the rest of our babies.
Ann

Steph is 100%+ correct in that if you hadn't taken Xuxa to vet, you would really have been beating yourself up over that. As we all know, there's just no good way for these babies to leave us -- none at all. And you did do the right thing, and most importantly, you loved her and she knew that.
Love,
Marcia

i'm sorry that your xuxa is no longer with you. i believe that you did everything right. you did what any normal human being that loved their dog would have done - take her to the vet for help. just because you were not there when she passed certainly does not mean that you loved her any less. if anything it shows that you loved her more because you were desperately trying to save her. as steph said - had you not taken her to the vet and she did die at home with you, you would have wished that you had taken her because you wouldn't have known that she would pass anyway. please take beth's advice: "Never let the last few minutes, hours, or days take the place of the years and years you were together."
be strong, ah