Its been 25 days since losing my precious Duchess & 10 days since adopting Cocoa
Although I do not yet feel any love for my new furbaby -- she has brought me out of my intense depression. She is a very pretty 8 month old puppy so full of energy who makes me laugh because she is so cute & affectionate. She wakes me & my husband up in the morning with tails wags & wet kisses There are times when she is sleeping that I look at her & see a little bit of Duchess & it keeps me going. In time she will find her way into my heart & maybe this decision was a good one because I have no time to sit & cry anymore.
If someone told me that my heart would just shut down like this I would never have believed it. My love & affection for Duchess is so very intense -- so much -- that it has left me numb

I keep looking at Cocoa when she is at play or sleeping & sometimes -- I go over to her and kiss her. I keep asking myself if I can ever allow myself to feel again. My husband tells me that in time I will
What an empty feeling it is when your intense ability to love is no longer present. I feel like a part of me has died along with Duchess:(
I will always love my Duchess & she will always be in our hearts

My heart is frozen right now but I hope that at some point I will be able to feel again. In the meanwhile I will continue to do the best I can to treat this new baby with affection. I want her to have good puppy memories & hopefully this thought will keep my mind focused on her development.
Bernadette Duchess & Cocoa's Mommy

moved to D&D forum for better exposure

Bernadette,

After losing my Jake I could not imagine ever opening my heart to another, not like I had to him. About two months after he died we adopted Elvis from a high kill shelter. At first I thought it was such a mistake. I was trying to replace Jake and ELvis was nothing like him. I kept looking for Jake to be "born again" in another body. Well it has been over 2 years and I can tell you that Elvis is still nothing like Jake. But....he is everything like Elvis! What a joy he is and what love I have for him because he is not a xerox. It took time, but as I began to figure out who he is and see his individuality, it made me realize I don't want another like Jake, he was special in his own ways and I was blessed to have him. Now with Elvis (and the others) I have different experiences, get to see their personalities expressed. How lucky we are to have the opportunity to love so many through our lives. We never forget the ones we lose, and we never lose the love we had for them. But in time, others come into our lives and love us and we love them.
I am so sorry for your loss, Duchess was one of a kind. It is never easy and if it is easy, then what was the point! Find joy in your memories and laughter in the new. You will be surprised how much room there still is in your heart for Cocoa! Martina

Dear Martina,
Thank you so much for your reply
I was waiting for a response from someone who is a part of this this wonderful family @ LS
It makes me feel better to hear from someone who has gone through the same experience.
I'll keep ya posted
Bernadette
***OOO

Dear Martina,

I understand completely how you're feeling. Today also marks 25 long and lonely days since my Inky left us. Additionally, I'll be getting my new baby, Solo, on Friday. I'm concerned myself that I won't be giving him all the love he'll deserve. Our hearts were broken when our babies were taken from us, but I'm also confident that we'll absolutely end up doing just exactly what should be done... showering them with all the love we used to bestow on our lost ones.

Cocoa will be fine because I know that YOU will be fine. There won't be any puppy scars for Cocoa... just happy, tail wagging days. Not only for him, but for you, too!!! (Minus the tail-wagging part, of course! )

Be well, be happy.

Hugs,

Pat

Dear Pat,
Thanks for your reply & good luck with your new furbaby Solo.
Let me know what you are feeling after a few days. Since I am going through this stage I would be very interested to know what you think about it also
Bernadette
Duchess & Cocoa's Mommy

I know what if feels like, to feel your heart frozen and wonder if it will ever thaw.

I still have eight "children" in my life... after losing Mr. Zen, it seemed like my love for my others had shrunk. Now, not even a week later, my heart has started to beat again, albeit a little more slowly than before. Soon enough, I am sure that not only will heart beat just as hard as it did when I had Zen, but have a few extra beats for all my other kids.

The more we have loved in the past, the more we're able to love in the future.

Kate

Bernadette-
You know I know how deep your pain is. We lost our girls on the same night. I still feel absolutely miserable, lonely, sad, you name it. I miss Lucy all of the time, especially at night when we would all just hang around the house. I know how hard this is for you, and I know we will get through it somehow. Just give yourself time. That is what I keep telling myself anyway. It hurts, and there is no way around the hurt but to face it head on. You can and will still grieve for Duchess. Let Cocoa be your shoulder to cry on when you need it. I am sure he wants to comfort you and help pull you through this difficult time. In a way, Duchess brought Cocoa to you. Hang in there...I'm thinking of you...

Caroline

Dear Bernadette, I am so sorry that you are missing your sweet Duchess. I know how hard it is and the pain that you feel. They say time heals all wounds but I believe it just eases it some. Time will help to lessen the pain and allow us to continue with our lives.

I am glad that you made up your mind to keep Cocoa and to give her a good life. I believe that would make Duchess happy and she would want you to love another baby. I know it feels like our hearts are frozen but the love is still there to give.

We will always cherish the love of our lost ones. Nothing will change about that. But hearts are made to love and it is not wrong to give love to another baby. Somehow that getting a new baby tells me that our love to our first babies was so wonderful. So wonderful that we want to experience and try to come close to what we had.
Love, Ann

Dear Caroline & Ann,
Thank you so much -- for your reply
It is very hard but Cocoa is keeping me very busy . She is very cute & seems to be adjusting well to her new home.
Poor baby was dropped off at a kill shelter @ 8 months . Thank God she was spoted by her foster dad after only 1 day at the shelter. Her foster dad had her for 3 weeks before we found the 1-800-save-a-pet web-site & filled out an adoption form. Five day's later her foster dad Greg came to visit our home to check things out -- then left her with us.
He wanted very much to keep her for himself & I told him that I would not stand in his way & would take it as a sign that it may not be meant to be.
He then said that from what he could see & since speaking to me & my husband at lenth over the days prior to his visit, he could see what wonderful parents we would become. Everything else is pretty much history
Although -- I have questioned myself as to whether I made this decision to quickly
Cocoa is here & I must give her the chance she deserves. I believe I will come to love my new furbaby in time.
One thing for sure -- she keeps me from sitting down all day and crying my eyes out
I was recently unemployed (December, 2004) so losing my Duchess's was especially hard because I had spent alot of time with her during this unemployment phase.
In a way it was a Godsend because I had spent this quality time before losing her to the quick illness which only became apparent 3 days before I contacted the vet. So my time with her was well spent as she was not ill at the time.
I believe that is why I made such a quick decision to adopt another furbaby -- because I was so used to having a pet to take care of & to be my companion & my husband felt the same.
My love is not going to come overnite as my heart has a long way to go before it heals enough. Time, will be what determines this outcome but I truly feel that I will love her at some point in time. My husband has already bonded with her & at first this really bothered me. In my mind it felt like it was a betrayal to my Duchess -- but I was wrong to feel that way . Sometimes I think that Duchess did have something to do with my decision to adopt Cocoa. She knew that my heart was aching to have a puppy to hold & to shower with love. You see, I did not have time to get used to the idea of losing her so soon. Her illness lasted less the 1 1/2 weeks between the first signs & her death. I had no clue whatsoever that she would die. She was with me for almost 5 years & then she was gone:(
This is why I needed to have another furbaby so very very much
This baby has had too many false starts in her short life. So I will try my very best to make an effort to love this little one who I feel -- will one day leave her own pawprint on my heart
Thank you again -- for your ear
Love Bernadette
*** OOO

Dear Bernadette,

Sounds like Cocoa was meant to be with you and your husband. I know it must be hard since it hasn't been that long since you lost your precious Duchess. You're right, our hearts do seem "frozen" when our furbabies leave us. I think, though that for people like us who feel so strongly about our pets, our hearts do eventually "melt" and make room for another. We'll never replace our special friends and we certainly would never want to. You're going to give Cocoa such a wonderful life. Duchess would be very happy and proud.

Hugs,
Lynn

Hello Bernadette,

I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel about losing your
Duchess so fast. You see my baby , Lacy J, also got sick suddenly
and the farthest thing from my mind was that she would die. All the
other times when I would take her to the vet, he would give me
medicine for her and all would be fine. Why not this time too? From
the day I took her on Monday a.m. only 10 days went by before I lost
her. I know the vet did all he could this time but it was not meant to
be. Today is 2 weeks and it was a very very bad day for me. My heart
goes out to you. I know the pain you are feeling. I have to believe
that our babies are free from their pain and are playing happily at the
Bridge. We have to believe that we will see them again. I can tell
by your postings how much you loved your baby Duchess. Your life
with Duchess sounds so much like mine with Lacy. I had her for 14 years
and she was my heart and soul. Even though we have 2 other dogs,
they don't have the personality that she had. I hope you find the love
for your new little baby. He sounds like he deserves it. Like everybody
tells me, it will take time. God bless you and your babies.

Lacy's mom
Julie

Dear Julie,
After 14 years it must have been soooo very hard to lose your precious baby lacy & MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.
It still haunts me to think of my baby's last moments. Just the other day I was at job interview & all of a sudden that very thought crossed my mind. I had to control myself in order not to start crying right in this persons office. I've come a long way since losing her on Feb 4th & I owe it all to this forum & my new furbaby Cocoa. She keeps me going & I see alot of my Duchess in her. Although they have different personalities there are some similarities. Cocoa was adopted by my husband & I just 16 day's after losing my baby Duchess. At first I had a panic attack because I felt I made the decision way too soon but now I see that I was wrong. This baby has brought me out of my deep depression even though I will always carry my baby Duchess in my heart. Cocoa is always doing something to distract me & she is soooo very cute & loving & smart. I believe I am starting to fall in love with her Our babies WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTON but we must go on -- because life goes on.
I have a small memorial in my living room next to Duchess's favorite sun spot (Cocoa just love's to sleep in this very same spot ) & IT WARMS MY HEART TO SEE HER SLEEPING THEIR NEXT TO MY OTHER ANGEL. Several cards from the hospital & the family -- along with a beautiful picture & her collar & id tag with a crystal star that holds a little tealight. I sometimes light a candle in honor of my Duchess's memory. Cocoa seems to know that this is a special spot as she is very careful not to disturb it in any way.
Sometimes I joke with Cocoa & tell her "your big sister is helping me to raise you the right way".
If I were working it would be alot harder for me to have spent the quality time I had with Duchess & the quality time I now have to bond with my new furbaby Cocoa. It's a blessing in disguise & I will feel better knowing that I had some time with both my babies before going back to the workforce.
Thank you for your e-mail it was very kind of you to respond to me.
I love my LS family
Bernadette -- Duchess & Cocoa's mommy
***OOO