It's been almost a week since my beloved horse, Jameel, colicked and I had to put her down. Every morning and evening when I go out to feed the other horses, I still wait and watch for her to come around the corner of the barn until slowly reality sets in and I realize (again and again) that she will never come around that corner. The first few days all I could think was "why" and I was very angry. Angry at myself for not catching her illness sooner and angry at Jameel for colicking at night when I was alseep.

I miss her so much. She was a part of my life for so long. (she was 24) Wherever I lived, she was there. Every morning and evening she was there nickering at me that she was hungry and that I wasn't moving fast enough for her. It's such a lonely feeling now when I go outside and she's not there. I know that I'm supposed to grieve and move on, but I can't seem to let go and I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone forever. I have two of her beautiful babies with me at home, but even that isn't enough to push me past the sorrow I feel.

I am SO sorry that you lost your precious Jameel
I just LOVE horses! They are such beautiful animals. My neighbor used to have a beautiful horse named Ginger. I used to help them take care of her and I would get to ride her as often as I wanted. I will never forget the day that I went to her stable and she was leaning against the wall very weak. I ran and called the vet. They discovered through blood that there was nothing we could do for her. Oh my gosh, I will NEVER foget seeing them put her out of her misery. I can only try to understand how you must feel. I still walked out to that barn and missed her so much! She had something (I'm afraid I don't remember now what they called it) that was caused from misquito bites. I kept blaming myself and the owners for not catching this until she could no longer stand on her own.

You are being TOO hard on yourself! Yes, you will need to "go on with life" , however you can not expect yourself to feel that way yet. It just happened. It may take you months to heal from the pain and grief. You need to keep missing her and expressing your feelings. All the pain and anger will really help you heal, as hard as it seems to believe now.

I'm so happy you have two of her beautiful babies. It may not seem like much help right now, but when you feel better, you will be SO grateful to have a part of Jameel still living on in her honor. My Rachael had babies and thankfully my brother has one of them. I get to go see often and I am SO grateful to see a living tribute of my Rachael that continues to live on this earth with us.

My thoughts are with you!
Cheri

It's going to take awhile before the guilt and pain to ease up. Jameel has not been gone very long and your feelings are normal. Our hearts just want them there where we feel they should be. It just breaks the heart over and over again when we cannot be with them. I know how you feel and I think the loneliness stays for a long time, even though some of us have other babies.
Ann

wow, you had jameel for 24 years. i can only imagine how hard it is for you to let go of such a long, loving relationship. i lost my kitty after 14 years and we had such a special bond, i can't imagine how strong another 10 years would have made it. i'm so sorry for your loss. if you don't mind me asking, what is "colicking"? cheri is right, horses are beautiful animals - i live in louisville, kentucky very close to churchill downs and the strength and beauty of a horse absolutely amazes me. share your feelings with us as often as you'd like - it will help you work through the pain, although only time will heal it. be strong, ah

Believe it or not, I had a dream about you and Jameel last night. I don't remember the plot, if there was one, but what I do remember is sweet and silly. Your mare slept in bed with you like a big huge doggie! Her hooves and everything right there under the covers..LOL. And I remember thinking in my dream how *lucky* you are because I have always wanted to snuggle up like that with my big little girl. I think I had that dream to remind myself that horses can be as close to people as dogs are, if we give them the chance, and perhaps, just like dogs, they are with us after their passing. I'd like to think that is how Jameel was and is with you.