hello everyone and thank you for understanding my need to be away for a few days. just when i thought my depression was letting up it hit me right in the face again. i needed to come back and talk, i know it will make me feel better. i was doing so well. i could talk about kitty all i wanted and i would remember all the great moments that we had together and then i started having dreams. i had 2 dreams that kitty came back from the grave and one that i failed to feed her and she starved to death. as i mentioned before, when i buried kitty i felt as if she wasn't dead, although i witnessed the plunger being pushed on the syringe at the vet. i know that she was so sick and i took away her pain by making that difficult decision and i thought i was ok with it but now i am hurting so much. i miss her so much - i miss holding her and petting her and her sweet meow. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can still feel her in my arms. now when i think about her, i think about her lifeless body on the examining table at the vet or i see her when she was sick and couldn't eat or even walk. i don't want to remember my sweet kitty that way - i want to remember her before she lost all of the weight - when she was fat and playing with the water in the bathroom sink. i love her so much - i want her back. ah

Oh yes, I understand. I know we can all relate to your thoughts and feelings. I know you are devastated and the pain is too much for mere words to really express. It just takes time, sometimes a long time, but one day you will begin to feel better. It is something we all have to go through -- the pain, the grieving, the missing them so much, wishing we could JUST HAVE THEM BACK!

I too felt like I was losing my mind. All I really wanted was to be with my Hannah girl. I believe your dreams are all part of working through your loss and the visions of the last moments are something I think will ease off also with time's passing. One day you will remember your baby and all the love you shared, and you will see her in your mind "fat" and happy again, just as she was in life, and as she is once again.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Love,
Marcia

Ammy died 3 years ago. For 99% of the time I remember him as the beautiful, laid-back, friendly affectionate cat that he was. In darker moments I remember his last few days; my husband carrying him around the garden and showing him the flowers; the morning he couldn't walk to his food, and the last terrible day when I suddenly decided his time had come, bundled him into the car and took him to the vets, where a dreadful lo%% vet euthanased him. The way he appeared to struggle, and then became completely still.

When I think of this, I feel sick with guilt and sorrow. It's almost as if 16 years of happiness is eclipsed by a few terrible days. My heart aches in exactly the same way as it did the day he left us.

Ammy was cremated and his ashes interred in a beautiful pet cemetery on the Lancashire moorland. When I visit his grave, I get a calm feeling, and I can visualise the happy, laid-back Ammy, reassuring me. I know I should focus on remembering every wonderful moment of his life with us, and be grateful that we were blessed with such a wonderful cat.

I too had some terrible dreams - it's just an indicator of the guilt and worry that may still be there. But the reality is that we were both did the kindest and most loving thing for our babies.

About 15 years ago we took Ammy on holiday with us to North Wales. One day he escaped from the caravan park and we just couldn't find him. The holiday was ruined as I spent all my time walking around, calling him. But with no luck whatsoever.

We had to return home without our beloved Ammy. I was absolutely heartbroken, believing him to have been killed by a car or even a train.

2 weeks later I drove back to the caravan park - I had to look for him one last time. There was Ammy, sitting and waiting patiently. I was utterly overjoyed, I can't describe the intensity of feeling - it was fantastic, I cried and cried. We went on to have many happy times together.

And you know that we're going to experience that feeling again one day. Our arms ache to hold our pets, but reassured that one day it will happen.

In the meantime, we are all here for you.

Jules

Hi Amber,
Welcome back. You have friends here and people who care. I understand your grief and reading your post, I cried. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your pain go away. And mine as well. I lost my kitty on Feb 1st and am a little further along the grieving process than you are perhaps. I have started to feel a bit better this week, so keep faith, that in time, your heart will begin healing also. Grieving is a process, there is no way around it, only through it. And its a process. What I have found from past experience, and now, is some days are good and some are hard. One moment I may be fine, and the next, sobbing out of control. Fortunately, the bad times are getting to be less frequent and severe. Try and remember that Kitty had a wonderful life with someone who loved her dearly. And you helped ease her pain at the end. How hard on you that was, how brave you were, and what a final gift you gave of love. In time, those memories of the final hours will be replaced with the happier times you had with her. I certainly hope to see my babies again, that gives me comfort. I miss them so much. I thought I would never get over losing my Raphael kitty in 2002, who lived to be 19, and I had to have put to sleep. But I did get over the grief, and can now think of our fun days. I also thought I would never find another cat like him, and I havent, but I found one I loved just as much, and I just lost him Feb 1st, and he was only 2, my dear Clay boy. Ive learned that its hard, whether you have them for a long time, or a short time. Its never easy. I am trying to think of Clay as being a gift, and on loan to me, and he gave me 1 1/2 yrs of total happiness and love. I will always wish for more, but the time we did have while not quantity, it was quality, and we had a very special bond and love. As to what is helping me? Well, I do make time for grieving, every day. But I am trying to be kind to myself and not dwell on feeling guilty or having regrets. I am trying to surround myself with friends that understand my loss, and with distractions. I also adopted a 9 yr old long haired calico and while she is no replacement for Clay, she is a new furbaby that needs me and I now dont dread going home like before. Hang in there. In time, it will get better. Its not easy now and it hurts so bad, I know. Write anytime. Sending peaceful thoughts your way. Susie (Clay's Mom)

Hi Amber, I am glad you are back. I know how hard it is and all the pain. It's terrible how sometimes our dreams leave us with a helpless feeling. Sometimes when we feel guilty or afraid of things it just comes out in our dreams.

When I had to have Chili Bean put to sleep I kept seeing her lifeless body laying on the table. Now I don't see that picture very often, so hopefully it will ease up for you too. It's not easy to deal with. We have to keep telling ourseves we did what we had to do because we loved them so much. It will get better in time.
Ann

thanks so much susie, marcia, jules, and ann for your kind words. they do help. i have good days and i have bad ones - like everyone else i suppose. i have a picture of kitty at work and i try to look at it and think of her but it makes me cry sometimes so i have found myself avoiding the picture - and that makes me feel guilty. i don't want to forget my kitty but thinking of her hurts so much. so everyday when i am laying in bed i think of her and sob. i cry myself to sleep. i think that may be why i am having dreams of her - because she is the last thing on my mind before i drift off. i don't mind dreaming of her - i would rather the dreams be more positive, though. she was so, so special and i miss her so much. what hurts the most is when i come home and expect her to greet me at the door - then i realize that that will never, ever happen again. it crushes me. thanks again guys, ah

Hi Amber, sorry you are having a hard time at the moment. The grieving process has its ups & downs & there will be bad days.
I too, found it hard to get that image out of my mind, of that last day, of Winston, frail & thin, & then afterwards lifeless. I lay him on the bed as my boyfriend & I went to dig the grave, & I don't think I'll ever forget that image of him lying on the bed, as if he was just sleeping, but knowing that he wasn't, & that his soul was no longer there. I've had to try hard to push that image out, & remember him as he was when he was healthy & full of vitality. But like you, I've found it hard looking at photos because it's painful.
Kitty was a very special & wonderful friend, & it will take time to get over her. Hang on in there.
Big hugs,
Elsie

Hi Amber,
You are welcome. I found that I couldnt look at my kitty's picture, and had to take it down at work. In time, I will put it back up but for now, I can't deal with it. It hurts too much. I even found that I had to take the picture down of my other kitty that I still have, and another picture down of a cats face that I dont even know, one I got at a picture gallery. They are tucked away for now, and it will be awhile before I can bring them back out.
I dont have images of the final moments like you do, with my recent loss of Clay. He left the house healthy and happy and I left for work, and he was killed by an animal. My husband found his body the next day. I am sure he has that image in his head to deal with, but I dont. I have imagined how my boy Clay's ending may have happened, and have a hard time of it when I do that. I pray it was a quick ending, and he never knew what happened or felt any pain. My girl friend has tried to tell me that since I dont know he suffered, dont assume that he did. I still am having some guilt issues over this, that I wasnt there for him, that I let him out at all, that I put him at risk. If I had it all to do over again, I sure would do things differently, but its too late for Clay. I can only learn from this experience and go on from here. Too bad my little Clay had to pay the price.
Take care, Susie (Clay's Mom)

i'm sorry about clay, susie. you know that he liked to go outside - and that's why you let him go out. you gave him what he wanted and he passed in a place where he enjoyed being. don't beat yourself up over it. animals' natural habitat is outdoors, not in. i'm glad that you didn't have to see him like your husband found him. and elsie - i'm sorry that you had to lay winston out like that before you dug his grave. i live in a condominium so i decided to have kitty buried at my mom's house where we grew up together. my stepfather already had a grave dug by the time i got there with my kitty's body. but i wish that i had kept her out just a little while longer before we buried her. when i placed her in the box she was still warm. i think that's one reason i'm having such a hard time. i didn't feel like she was dead. i would have liked to hold her a while longer - just to feel her in my arms. but i was so hysterical that i just put her in the box and in the ground. poor kitty. thanks guys, ah

Dear Amber,

I am SO sorry that you are still having a hard time accepting Kitty's death. I must say, Kitty's picture in your avatar is just adorable! Such a beautiful furkitty! I haven't seen those markings very often before.

As you probably know by now, these feelings are very normal! You have to give yourself some time and accept the pain. It hasn't been very long since you lost her, so you will still grieve for some time now. When I had to end Rachael's suffering, I wrote in here that all I could picture was Rachael taking her last breath. I wondered if I would EVER get over that picture in my mind. Everyone assured me that time would heal that image. I want to share with you, that they were all right. It's been almost 5 months now, and I have to really think hard to try and remember that image now. I can easily remember that terrible drive to the vet with her, but thankfully that image doesn't jump out at me anymore. I am now able to remember all her silly ways and comforting companionship that she gave me.

Hugs,
Cheri

hello everyone. i hope you are all doing well. i'm doing better, but who knows how long that will last. yesterday i was a little upset for a while. my boyfriend and i went out to eat and he asked me what i wanted to do afterward and i thought about it and decided that i wanted to go home. well, when i think of home i think of home with kitty waiting for me there. when i realized that that is no longer the home that i go home to i was upset again. i decided that i did not want to go home after all.
julie, lacy j is so cute! i'm so sorry that she is no longer with you. kidney failure is a wicked disease. so many people that i know with pets that have had kidney disease pull right through it. i just couldn't understand why it took my baby so quickly. it just snatched her right away from me. i understand your decision about not wanting to see your baby be euthanized-that image is a hard one to shake. my kitty was always afraid of the vet so i wanted to be sure that she knew i was there with her. please return and tell us all about lacy j. we would love to hear your story. thanks, ah