So I say to myself "You should put Lec down before xmas instead of dragging her out to your folks house and stressing her out and etc. ..." Then I say "No, I can't do that. Even though I know she is dying, I should wait til Friday bc I won't be able to get thru xmas if I put her down before then..."

Then I think "Heck, I can't make an appt for friday. Nope. God(s) gave me a sign when it was time to put Frey down, and in their mercy took Saki from me and spared me that pain of putting her to sleep and until I get some sorta damned sign, I shouldn't even think about it..."

Then I look at Lec, cat milk (the only thing she'll consume now-- and very little of that) all over her face, too thin to get a damned needle in her for fluids and I think "YOU need to be merciful, you need to be strong... you are selfish..."

And this goes round and round and round and round in my head all day long.

I've had my talk with lec and told her she doesn't have to be strong and that she can go if she needs to. But I haven't had the balls to ask the gods if they will go ahead and take her. Last time, they answered that prayer, and while I really am quite grateful, at the same time, I guess I am scared that if I do that, they WILL take her...

Saki & Freyja's Mom,

I was only talking about this sort of thing the other day with my husband that I'm glad in a way that Misty was taken from me and I didn't have to make a choice on putting her down if she was to become very sick...That was made for me, I think I would be going through exactly what you are...I too would want to hold off for my own selfish reasons and not for the cats...I think I too would want a sign or for someone else to make the choice for me....

You'll have to forgive me as I've only just found this site and have a lot to still read so I have missed quite a lot of whats been going on in everyones lives so I will try my best to catch up etc...

What ever you decide it will be for the best for both of you...(((hugs)))

Caroline....

Caroline,

Funny, I was thinking of you and Misty today before you replied to my post. Maybe I am lucky -- to have my pets for their full long healthy lifespan. Heck, Electra is 15!! 15!!! And as far as we can figure she was born with FIV, as she came from a kitty mill (back before we knew about those things) and has NEVER been outside and never had a fight with a cat (the most likely transmission) and never had sex (or even been in heat). So she had to be born with it. And yet all the readings I do say that an FIV cat can live 5-10 years. And she's 15 and 2/3rds.

Freyja died at 14. Before we put her down, something went wrong (not sure what, probably a stroke) and she was basically paralyzed. She could move her head, but nothing else. And so we had to put her down. Had to. Had to. Had to... I mean, really, what else could we do?????????? But really truly it is the worst decision I've ever had to make. And while in my head, I know it was "right" in my heart, always, I killed my dog....

I don't want to kill my cat...

Thanks for the hugs....

Hi Jennifer

I know your mums not well and how much you need to go to her for Christmas but do you really have to, I mean as miserable as this xmas is going to be, no matter what you do, perhaps you would prefer to just stay at home with Electra.

I know it helped a little having people round last year but I still remember looking at Judes little face looking at me as if to say “why are you too busy”

Maybe it should be Tims decision this time, I don’t mean it like - well I decided last time – I mean that you have always said that Electra was more Tims baby than yours.

To be honest I don’t think the final decision is ours anyway I swear someone else took over my body and decided for me, just a look in their eyes a sigh the look on their face I don’t know but it happens and then everything else just follows: -

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and for the first time in months they’re not for me.

Luv you
Sue

That's the thing Sue: time with my mom is very limited as well.

I could leave lec alone xmas day. She actually seems to enjoy it when the house is quiet (ie I take Hathor)... It's that I've always spent the night on Xmas eve at my folks house, and I can't leave the cat over night. On the other hand, Tim volunteered this morning before he went to work to stay here xmas eve with the cat and come over to my folks xmas day (one of the blessings of living half an hour from my folks again...)

Tim made the appt for Saki. He asked me to and I said "NO! I won't do it..." I really am grateful I didn't have to. Saki loved me enough to give up, to go on her own. I wish Lec would go on her own, but I guess she's always been a fighter...

She was first diagnosed with fiv about 5 years ago, I guess. I cried and cried. I thought it was a death sentence (an immediate one). I think I cried for a year before I realized "that cat is fine." And she has been. She was always our healthiest pet, even with the FIV. After Saki and Frey passed this summer, I'd say "Lec is going to live to be 28...." The sad part is I think I believed it...

Her little collar gapes around her neck now. She's only had two collars in her life... I buried Freyja with her tags and collar -- it seemed right. Saki REFUSED all of her days to wear a collar. We tried many times. She'd always buck and freak and get them off. Once we got one that she couldn't get off, and she got her lower jaw wrapped around it somehow and nearly broke her jaw trying to get it off... so we gave up. As they are strictly indoor cats.... But Lec has always worn hers like jewelry. Her first one is in their memory box. I suppose I'll keep this one too and wear her tag.

And I am thinking I will make a calendar. Different photos for each month...
Yeah, I think I'll do that to distract myself now...

Love,
Jennifer

So she's been sitting on my lap for the past couple of hours while I worked on that calendar. I wanted it to be of all of them, but I keep picking pictures of her...

And she just hurts so much and cries and is leaking urine...

So the appt is in 40 minutes.

Tim is on his way home.

She just hurts so much. And she won't be getting better.... And at this moment it seems wrong of me to keep hanging on, to keep letting her hurt. But see, I know that in an hour I'll regret this. But what can I do? She keeps looking at me. She keeps begging me to make it better.....

Well, she's gone.

She went a lot easier than Frey. The vet assured us that to let her go on was cruel. I know.

Lecky, I love you. Momma is so so sorry. I am sure that by now, Saki has greeted you on the bridge. There are lots of soft sunny places to lay, and all the tuna and baby food you can eat... Momma misses you....

Jennifer,

She's in no more pain, thats a good thing, I know your hurting, but she's not gone you just can't see her...With Misty I have been saying to myself that she is free to do as she pleases no more "cars" no more having to be locked up at night, free to roam the woods...and to watch over me with the other 7 cats I've lost over the years...

It's just over a week for me, I still remember the day but I'm healing, but I sure do miss her and its just really the little things she did that I miss the most....

I love the calander I too have been thinking of doing that...

Big cyber ((hugs)) to you my heart ached reading what you had just been through....

Caroline......

Thank you Caroline...

I guess I am lucky this time. Thank you, MD. I can't remember now if I found the board right after Freyja died, or right after Saki died-- they were so close together. But at least this time, I didn't have to go thru it alone.

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle can’t be won
You will be sad-I understand
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand
For this day more than all the rest
Your love and friendship stand the test
We’ve had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears
You’d not want me to suffer So
When the time comes please let me go
Take me where my needs they’ll tend
Only stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see
I know in time that you will see
It is a kindness you do to me
Although my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved
And please don’t grieve it should be you
Who has to decide this thing to do
We’ve been so close-we five-these years
Don’t let your heart hold any tears

All I can say to you my poor poor darling is that there is only 9 days until this s%”*((y year is over and may God grant us all a better one next year.

Love and kisses and hugs
Sue

I can't believe they are all dead.

You're right, Sue -- thank god 2004 will be over soon.

I am so sorry this happened to you again. I don't know what to say. You've been on here as long as I have and we've said all of the regular things to person after person... You have heard it all.

How about you just give yourself a hug for me? 15 years.... a normal life span - and although that's no comfort at all, I know, it's a wonderful thing. A miracle that I'm sure was only granted because you both deserved to grow with each other.

Thanks DJ. And I do try to hold onto that. She was born with FIV, and everything I've read says cats with FIV can live 5-10 years. She lived 15. We were blessed.

I feel guilty bc I am not crying half as much as I did this summer. Of course, this summer, I lost Frey May 28, my dear Grandma May 29 and Saki June 19. And with Lec, I've been preparing myself for her loss since she was diagnosed in 1998... But still, she deserves all my tears.

Love yall
Jennifer

Less tears does NOT mean less grief - it means you are dealing with your grief in a different way. Perhaps, because you are not over your previous losses, this loss is simply not taking you to as painful a stage as the previous ones did. There is no shame in that. Grief changes from instance to instance - as does our way of handling it. And since you have been preparing, perhaps you have already been crying for a while somewhere inside.

We're getting two kittens tomorrow night. It does not feel too soon. I am ready. I know Saki and Electra cannot be replaced. It is not about that -- just as Hathor can never replace dear Freyja. But Hathor DID make me laugh again this summer, and I have learned to love her even though she is not nearly as well behaved as Freyja--nor as sophisticated and glamourous either.

I wasn't allowed to have cats growing up. How did I survive without cats? Maybe that is why my childhood was so difficult!!!! I just needed a cat (or two).

We are adopting two sister kittens. Their pictures look like a yin and a yang. They've got the exact same face splotch, but one is peach colored on her body (with a lighter shade of peach in the splotch) and the other is gray -- but with a identical peach splotch on her face. Their foster mother calls them Eva and Ella -- we'll probably change that (maybe to Lucy and Ethel... any suggestions? I am looking for names of famous sisters or female duos).

Their foster mother interviewed us. That's kinda tense! But I know we are good parents. She is going to bring them over tomorrow night.

Hathor is in heat! I never wanted her to go into heat although she has had a mild and chronic vaginitis and the vet said a heat would cure that. Still -- I did not want a heat. We intended to get her spayed right after the new year. Which may STILL be the plan -- I need to call the vet and find out about spaying when a dog is in heat. In any case, I am very distressed about this heat thing.

Love to you all.

Jennifer

Laverne and Shirley? Zsa Zsa and Eva? Hillary and Monica? Greta and Garbo? (grin - I can imagine you calling them with THOSE names hehheh)



Congratulations!!!! Give them a big belly raspberry for me will you?

I think a kitten or two would be wonderful and wish you every happiness with your new babies, I can just imagine the joy your feeling in your belly at the thought of holding them and playing with them.

Of course pics are in order and good luck with the name picking - that I don’t envy you, I can never decide on names.

I'm glad to hear the note of happiness in your tone you deserve it after surviving this year.
Lots of cuddles to the new bundles of joy.

Love Sue

Jennifer,

You must post some piccies for me would love to see, I also have thought about a kitten, not to replace Misty but because I really am missing the affection from her and that little fluff ball to love, I have been trying with Kittie but he won't stay on my lap, Tigger lets me pat him more but its just not the same, I actually cried for Misty last night first time in a good week, I guess I'm going through the stage of really missing her now....I talk to her every day, think about her everyday and sit and look at her garden everyday, I go to bed at night and remembe how she would jumb on my side and lie down and I would pat her...Sorry didn't mean to have a sad post was meaning to say the kittens sound cute, and I've always had cats, I not a dog person at all even though I grow up with german shepards...Always loved my cats...

Caroline....

Grieving has no set pattern one day you think “hey I'm ok” then the next day you’re breaking down and cant control the tears.

I have Reiki once a month and she told me that I was closing off my heart because I said I didn’t want to cry anymore and that’s 9 months on.

So be patient with yourself, and cry as often as you need and post sad posts as often as you need, and pray for a snugly cat to be sent to you and I'm sure God and Misty will work together to send one to you when the time is right.

Love Sue

Thanks You all.

Thanks DJ for the name suggestions. Thanks Sue (as always) for the warm support. Caroline: your message was NOT sad. One of the things that happens to me when I post a reply is: I relate to something they say and then when I reply back, everything comes tumbling out (whether it seems to be a real response or not!). So I am glad something I said connected with you.

I am excited about the kittens. I bought new feeders and waterers and litter pans and toys and etc. today. But I am kind of nervous about meeting with the foster mom. What if she decides I am an unfit parent???? (Ok-- that sounds even ridiculous to me -- but who knows....)

Caroline (again): I know what you mean about Kittie and Tigger. Saki (more than all the others) was my real soul mate, my real cuddle muffin snuggle bear. It's not that I didn't love Freyja or Electra (or Hathor). But my bond with Saki was just out of this world. Tim (husband) says it is wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help it. Saki was my best friend in the world. No one could ever replace her. But I am looking forward to someone sitting in my lap and purring again...

Love,
Jennifer

I've realised (a bit late lol) that you are most like all overseas, I'm in Australia so its New Years Eve here today, so wishing all a great new years with happy times...

But was just dropping in to see how you went Jennifer with the kitten's will check back later...you could be still asleep at this hour if you are overseas lol...

Caroline...

Wow so HAPPY NEW YEAR we here in England have exactly 24 hours to go – well minus 3 minutes.

CHEERS TO 2004 BEING A GOOD ONE.

Love to all
Sue

Jennifer what’s the news?

Well, they are here.

Their foster mom brought them over last night. They are hiding behind the washer in the laundry room. Tim warned before heading off to work that neither Hathor nor I are to drag the kitties out no matter how much we want to hold them and pet them and love them and squeeze them....

They are some kind of Chartreaux mix. They've got gorgeous copper eyes.

They miss their foster mom. That makes me sad because I know what it is like to lose someone you love. But hopefully their kitty brains will forget soon.

I haven't even gotten to hold them yet... But I am sure that someday they will come out from behind the washer.

England, Australia, Canada, the USA -- it is nice that people from so many places love their pets so much....

Here, it is 18 hours til the new year -- here's to 2004!

O Jennifer, I would be so hanging to cuddle them lol....can't wait to see piccies, how cute, they will come out from behind the washer lol....I would be lying infront of the washing waiting lol....

Happy New Year everyone for 2004......

Caroline....

Tee hee -- we did lie in front of the washer!!!!!!! We took turns.

Now, I don't know where they are. Today, they came out exploring. Hathor was very very good (velma swatted at her once, so now she is afraid of them!)

They still won't let us touch them, but they have explored the house. And they have talked to us -- I love talking cats. They look very similar, but have very different voices. I think we are going to call them Velma and Daphne (bc Hathor reminds us of Scooby doo).

We've taken some pics; but they won't post (probably too big!). I'll try to get tim to make them smaller.

Jennifer,

lol Of cause you were laying infront of the washer lol....I also love talking cats Misty was a talkative one and you just knew what she was saying and she would answer you aswell when you spoke to her...

With the kittens exploring thats good, getting to know where they are and it probably helps that theres two of them to do it together...

Caroline...

Well, the kitties are letting us touch them now without protest. And we can pick them up. They love to sit on the top of their cat tree... Still haven't gotten one to sit in my lap though.... It'll happen (I hope).

Now, I'll try to post some pics....

Or not...

Thank you i needed that laugh

send them to me if want

O how cute Jennifer, I can just imagine them,

I said to Hubby the other night, that I had thought about a kitten, what was his views, and he said it was up to me he didn't mind, but my heart isn't in it just yet and don't know if it will ever be...

I miss Misty more when I try and get the Kitten to sit and cuddle up to me but he doesn't he and Tigger go to the kids more Mind you I'm about to have a baby, due the 20th of Feb #4 so I guess I'll have a baby to cuddle heaps for a while and see how I go...

No piccies <_< I can't wait to see them....

Caroline..xx

Well, I printed a bunch of pics for my calendar, and the calendar pages today. On the front I have everyones dob and dod... and a message to them. I think Lec is in more photos than Saki and Frey and I feel a tad bit guilty about that but not too much, because... because 1) Lec was sitting in my lap, so sick, crying and wanting comfort, so choosing the pics is something we did together a few days before she passed and bc 2) lec was always the most photogenic one (weird that even animals can be photogenic... )

It feels nice. I can't explain it. I made two copies, one to keep at home and one to keep at work. But it feels like I am honoring them in a way that feels right. It feels like maybe they will always be with me. I don't know -- it just feels right. None of the photos are of our new babies...

I also worked on Lec's collage frame. I'd thought about doing it when I did Saki and Freyja's, after they passed, but that felt wrong, and I figured I would get some comfort doing Lec's when the time came. And it does...

The whole time I worked at the table working on the calendar and frame, Daphne, one of the new kitties, crawled all over me, the pics, the scissors, etc. It was cute and irritating and mostly cute all at once. Last night, Daphne slept on my chest and velma on my tum. That felt nice, too.

Ill bet you was in heaven, im so pleased for you.

2004 is looking good

It's so odd that you say that, Sue.

Last night as I was vegging on the couch, I received this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like I was with them (not like they were here with me). When they first died, it felt as if my soul had been ripped, and a piece was missing. And it HURT. But this was different. It was like that piece they took was at the bridge WITH them already, snuggling and playing-- they weren't alone or scared, bc I am still with them. It was a very safe, comforting, peaceful feeling. And my soul was not torn in half when they went, but doubled so that it could go with them. It was a nice feeling...

This is a picture of Velma kitty

Here's a picture of Daphne kitty

And here is a pic of Hathor puppy, lying on the back of the sofa. It was taken this fall, but this is still her favorite place to perch.

Oh my God they are beautiful, you must be going around beaming from ear to ear.

I believe that some times when we sleep, we go home.

Hi, I don't really know how this topic works. I was starting to read the posts from the beginning and I came across a poem....I think it was the 3rd reply or so on the first page....there was a part that said...

"Only stay wtih me tilll the end"
"And hold me firm and speak to me"
"Until my eyes no longer see"

This really rocked me....I feel enormous guilt right now...
I know that putting Kiwi to sleep was the 2nd hardest thing I've had to do, the first was making the decision to take my dad of life support...but I alway swore up and down that if I had to put my animals to sleep, I would hold them and stay with them until the end...I wanted them to be the last thing I saw and I wanted to be there until the end....WELL...that did not happen, I chickened out, when I saw the needle I stopped them and said I could not stay for this please get me when it's over....NOW I FEEL VERY GUILTY...I felt guilty anyways but this brought it back...I wonder if Kiwi is mad at me for not staying in the room, was he scared, does he feel betrayed....?

I originally went to school to be a Vet and when I saw all the horrible things happening I could not handle it...I put many animals to sleep so I thought I could handle being with my own cat but alas I could not...I feel like I let him down.

Help I feel so guilty....I'm going to try and put up a picture of him...I'm used to a mac and all I have is my PC right now...it seems like I forgot how to use it..the only pic I have of him that I can use on my PC is from my cell phone, nothing else is hooked up to my PC...I'll try to send a pic...he was so handsome

Okay well that is a pic of Kiwi on Christmas, I was messing around with my phone and it's up close, obviously, but I don't have my scanner hooked up to this computer...so this will have to do for now.

Kiwi could never be mad with you, and did you know that animals would normally leave the pack and go off to die on their own. My Sadie tried to do just that lying at the bottom of the garden looking back at the house, which was the furthest she could get from the ‘pack’
Your separation from her was merely seconds before her spirit found you again.

Put yourself in both Kiwi’s and your dad’s position and how would you feel towards them if they had done these things for you. The spirit world is a wonderful place and once you have dealt with your guilt I'm sure you will feel the love they are sending you to help heal you from your pain.
I like you went through every reason to feel guilty and punish myself and in the end all I could do was to forgive myself, I think my last posting in Rest in peace tells how I came about this. STAMERA is the Angel of FORGIVENESS and you should call on her three times when you need her most to help you release some of your pain and begin to find peace with yourself.

You will find your own way through this, I have turned to Spiritualism and actually today is the first day that I will be learning healing. I've come a long way since March when I had Jude put to sleep and maybe it was in my cards to do just that in order for me to be where I am today.

I wish you well and wish I could better let you know that you are a loving a kind person for what you did and have no reason to feel so guilty.

God Bless

Love Sue

Quote from Rest in Peace

‘Thursdays were hard for a while because thats the day I had Jude put to sleep and yet one Friday I realised that I hadn’t realised it was Thursday the day before – confused, so am I -.
So ……. How long before I wake up on the 7th or 8th and realise that id missed the 6th?????’

===========================================================================
Having suggest that Kiwi's mommy reads my last posting on rest in peace I decided to go back and read the whole thing again – BIG MISTAKE – I'm still crying.

But the above quote struck me and here I am 1yr 1 month/10 months on and it’s the 11th and I missed the 6th ------------- guess that’s how long it takes, for me anyway.

Sue: Take this the right way: I am glad you forgot a passing of the 6th....

Keandria:
If you couldn't be there, that is OK. Really. I promise. The last thing Kiwi wanted from you is to see you suffer. THINK about that. Would he want to have seen you all hysterical in the vet office??? NO. Of course not. That would've upset him. So you left. It was the right thing to do.

All three of my pets died in my arms. Frey and Lec we had to put to sleep. But Saki died in my arms while ***I*** was sleeping. I was, of all things -- napping. Ya'll can't understand this bc: I DO NOT NAP. PERIOD. I do not nap. But the day Saki died, we had a pts appt for the next day. And I sat down with her, I brushed her, I told her everything that was going on -- with her health, with my emotions.... I gave her permission to go. I asked that if it were time that she go voluntarily, bc I couldn't live with putting her to sleep. And then -- I fell asleep. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? I fell asleep. Bc Saki wanted to go, and wanted to go voluntarily, but she knew that if I were AWAKE, I would've been doing cat CPR--even tho she had massive tumors on her liver, even tho we had a pts appt for her the next day. She didn't want me doing all that cpr and screaming and etc. So -- **I** was "put to sleep" (in the literal and not figurative sense) so she could pass on voluntarily.

Leandria -- it was the same for you. Kiwi did NOT WANT to see you crying and screaming in his face -- so he asked you to leave the room and you did. There is no guilt in that. Do not feel guilty about that. He wanted you to take him to the doctor, and you did. He wanted you to leave the room -- and you did. Be happy that you made your very beautiful Kiwi as comfortable as you could in his last moments.

Love,
Jennifer