I have been thinking lately that as soon as you get a pet you should also get a booklet about euthanasia. The more I think about it, the more I am shocked to think that even though I was a very responsible pet owner and loved Shelby dearly, it really never occurred to me that I would probably have to euthanize her eventually. For some reason I thought most pets just died "naturally" (whatever that means, I can't tell you), but after reading here and other places since Shelby's death I am starting to realize that nearly all pets will have to (or should) die via euthanasia otherwise they often die in pain or long after life ceases to be worth living. But nobody ever tells you this!!! I feel like I was completely blindsided by the sudden need for euthanasia, but really I should not have been, especially as the owner of a 15+ year-old dog. You'd think the vet would have mentioned it on one of our frequent visits (where I live you have to get them shots every 6 months if you ever board in a kennel).

I am thinking that as soon as a dog reaches 8 or 9 your vet should have a talk with you about preparing for this eventual day (assuming you will have the luxury of following your plans). If I had known what the process was, or how hard it would be emotionally to make and execute the decision, or the fact that different vets do it differently, or even that it takes skill to do it right, I would have given much more thought to how I wanted to manage Shelby's euthanasia. In my ignorance, I thought it wouldn't make any difference what clinic I went to. I have been complaining to everyone who will listen about how terrible I feel for taking her to a strange uncaring vet for her death, but maybe I should really be rejoicing that the man was at least fast and competent.....it could have been a much worse nightmare than it was if he had been incompetent.

I am also kind of angry that the regular vet didn't tell me it might be a better experience for both Shelby and me if I took the time to calm down and come to her (the regular vet) instead of going somewhere close to my house. "Oh, can you get it done up there?" was all she said. Not, "Susan, I know you are panicking right now because Shelby's breathing is getting much worse, but if you can calm down and be strong just a little longer for Shelby, you can make the drive over here and we will help you through this." But I guess this is something you say to a child, not a grown woman. Oh, I know it's wrong to be angry at the vet when it is really all my responsibilty. I guess I'm still looking for someone to blame. But my ignorance about the need for, and the process of, euthanasia truly is amazing. If I thought about it at all I thought it would be a clear-cut obvious decision my husband and I would make after witnessing illness and decline over a period of months or weeks.....not by myself after a few days of fast decline.

It has been almost 2 weeks and I do feel much better going through most of my daily life, but I also have a huge dark lonely hole in my guts. It's not a sweet sadness, either, it's a vague sickish feeling of loss and despair and hopelessness. I so miss my furry soft beautiful girl, and so wish I had done better for her at the end. I am remembering every time she wanted to go for a walk and I was too tired or said I would do it tomorrow. Then one day she didn't want to walk anymore. I am remembering all the times I should have bathed her and combed her more often and then she was too sick to enjoy that last bath and then collapsed. I have been trying to remember all the good times but these happy scenes keep being interrupted with heartbreaking memories of how sadly she looked at me when I bent down to pick her up and carry her into the vet's office that last time. I remember looking over her soft head at the door jamb, trying not to bump her head as I awkwardly tried to get the door open with my hip and shoulder. Stop, stop, stop!!!

My husband said I am ruining the 14 years Shelby and I had together by throwing it away to dwell on that last bad hour. But why did the worst hour have to be the *last*?

I know you are all tired of my obsessing over this. I just wanted to vent one more time; I think it helps to write it down and launch it into cyberspace. I will try to post something happy about Shelby in the tributes forum soon. Maybe this will help.

Susan

Dear Susan,
We are all human beings and I think we all find fault with ourselves when something so terrible happens in life. Sometimes we are so emotional that we can not think straight. I think in those times and we are alone without someone to help us bear the load are the hardest of them all.

Snookie and Chili Bean's vet is 80 miles one way. It takes about 2 1/2 hours one way. I go there because I feel they are the best, not only that but their prices are good too.

The day I took Chili Bean to her vet I was all alone. I did not know she was going to die. But had I known I don't think I could have taken her all that way to have it done and bring her home. You see the plan was when it came their time to leave this world, for any of our fur babies at least one of the other family members would go.

So there I was 80 miles away from home with Chili Bean suffocating to death. The vet said she would not make it back home to take her to a vet there so a family member could be present. I had to do the right thing then and there, I only had one choice.

I made frantic phone calls to my son, Chili Bean was his to start with. She came to live with us because when he was a child he had brain damage. He has a mind of a 14 or 16 year old and he did not think he could give her the care she needed. He said he loved her and to do whatever it took to get her out of pain. I called my daughter and she said good bye on the phone as I held it up to Chili Bean's ears. So with the act of love done, I drove the worst 80 miles of my life.

I pulled over to have a cry many times, once in a while I would get in the back seat and hold the box that contained her still warm body. I cried so much the front of my blouse was wet before I got home.

I do not agree with your husband. You are not ruining the last 14 years of you and Shelby together. I believe that everyone has their own time table to grieve. Yes, you may be thinking of all the things you didn't do along with all the things you did do. But someday I think you will be able to say I did my best, I gave my all, I was loved, and my sweet Shelby was loved. And that love was the greatest there has ever been.
Love, Ann

I wholeheartedly agree with you. This is one of the reasons I wanted to post my old threads about Hannah. There really aren't even any decent books about it either in my opinion. The vets and their grief counselors DO know certain things to expect, they MUST know the guilt that all too frequently comes afterwards -- we depend on those people, perhaps too much, I guess, but it is not just their job to "put them down." It is their job to do it quickly and painlessly, and it is their job to prepare us, to help us through it and afterwards. I've seen too way too many of us who have had horrible, horrible experiences that never should have gone the way they did.
Marcia

Dear Susan,

I agree with you too. Although nobody wants to think about the fact that a day like that will come, being prepared could help with the sudden shock when the time does come. Knowledge is power!

I also understand the terrible final moments that you keep remembering. I was posting on here with those thoughts myself after Rachael had to be assisted in death. Almost 12 years together, and all I could remember, and see when I closed my eyes at night, was her final breath and her eyes rolling eyes up. (I know that sounds terrible, but that is really what I kept seeing) I asked these wonderful people if I would EVER stop picturing and remembering that. They all assured me that in time that memory would fade. Now I want to pass that on to you too. I can tell you that now I can hardly remember that image. I have to stop and really think about it. Oh, I remember that terrible drive to the vet, and I remember holding Rachael's face while it happened, but that awful image of her "leaving" me has grown faint. It's just part of the pain and grieving. The guilt may linger for alot longer, but I promise you that image will fade with time, and all the awful memories of how weak she got.

One day you will be able to remember Shelby and all the good times. Right now, it's just so hard to so that with an extremely broken heart. That's certainly understandable! Give yourself time to heal. You are still greiving heavily, so your pain is on the very top surface right now. Time will be your best friend eventually, and with time you will forgive yourself, the vet and Shelby for having this terrible event occur. It's just part of life, like you stated, and we just need to be prepared when we take in a lovable furbaby that they live shorter lives than we do.

My thoughts are with you, and I pray you find peace during this terrible time in your life,
Cheri

Dear Susan,
I wholeheartedly agree.
When I got Indy as a puppy , 10 years ago, I never dreamed I would have to deal with chroinic illness or euthanasia.
None of my "puppy books" spoke of elder or sick dogs. In fact, I researched for a breed that had a long life span.
Indy shoud have lived for at least 14-16 years.
Indy's ilnnesses began 2 years ago and started with Cushing's disease that led to diabetes, a thyroid mass and eventually liver cancer. My vet did speak to me about euthanasia...I just never thought it would happen. I always thought
he would die pecefully in his sleep, not that I would need to take him for a last car ride to end his life.
I did go to my vet often, sometimes in panic...asking "is it time?" I was so terrified that I was prolonging my little man's life for my own selfish needs. I've spoken, in previous posts, of my wonderful vet and her compassionate nature. She always eased my panic, and let me know that the time had not come. When I brought Indy for that last visit...I saw it on her face. She didn't even need to say the words though she did tell me "he's given up his fight". I trusted her so implicitly I accepted what she said. She had always been so open and honest with me.
Becasue Indy's diseases were more chronic...I do not know what it is like to experience the need for sudden decision making like so many who have posted here. I too would have been in panic had he had difficulty breathing or shown signs of severe pain. It was hard enough to decide after "preparing" for 2 years that the day would come.
Like you Susan, I have that dark lonely hole in my life. Your description of a "vague sickish feeling of loss and despair..." describes me exactly and it's been 2 months. I am having a very hard time remembering the wonderful 8 years prior to Indy's illness. I have foggy memeoris of the last 2 years of meds, injections, tests, biopsies, collecting urine, drawing blood, monitoring poop, you name it. My most vivid memory is of the last 4 hours. The crying, pain, sadness, guilt and ultimaltey watching as he passed to the Bridge. Someday I hope we can all look to the more pleasant and wonderful times we had with our beloved pets instead of the painful stinging images of their last hours.
Fran

Dear Ann, Marcia, Cheri, Fran,

Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It must be hard to dredge this up for strangers over and over but, wow, each time someone shares a piece of their own difficult experience with me I get a little closer to accepting that I am not alone in these feelings of grief and am not a terrible human being for how I handled Shelby's euthanasia.....just a plain old human being. I guess when it happens to you it is so shocking that you think you must have been singled out for some uniquely horrible experience. But it is not unique at all it is really just part of life. Marcia I saw a lot of parallels in our experiences so I answered one of your other posts at some length. I hope it is helpful in some small way....it sure helped me to spill it all out!

Wishing you all some of the comfort you have given me,

Susan

Susan,

The feelings you have are perfectly normal. I experienced them and I think it is safe to say that everyone here has felt what you are feeling. It is true that given enough time these feelings will fade and the pain will lessen. I know right now this is hard to believe but trust me it will. That last image that keeps playing in your mind over and over will eventually be replaced by images of happeir times. I can't say that image will disappear as it is has now been a year and half since I lost my Snoops and the image of his last moments is still quite clear in my mind but images of happier times come much more frequently than those last moments do. A friend of mine taught me a trick when I was where you are now ... when the grief become over whelming and you can't stop crying ... force yourself to think and picture something your little one did that always made you laugh. This is hard to do at first but after awhile you will find that you are smiling through the tears. I don't think you are ruining the 14 years you had with Shelby at all. Everyone has their own way and their own timetable when dealing with grief. If you need to cry then cry ... the tears you are crying are healing tears although they may not feel like them now. Euthanasia is the single most hardest thing any pet owner has to do but at the same time it is by far the absolute most lovingest thing we can ever do for our pets. You took on Shelby's pain by releasing her from her pain. To be honest with you I don't think it mattered to Shelby where you took her. The one thing she needed ... most likely the only thing she needed was you and you were there for her. Don't lose sight of that ... you were the person Shelby loved and you were the person she counted on and when she needed you the most you were there for her. My heart is breaking for you as I know exactly how you are feeling. I wish I had the magical words that would make the pain go away faster but I am not that poetic. Just know that you are not alone.

Hugs,
Beth

Should I worry, because I'm about to take this journey on 2 March, 2005. My Xian kitty is 13, and suffering from kidney failure. I look at him hiding under my dresser, and he still purrs for me when I pet him, being Mommy's kitty....but the feeling that I'm murdering him is tearing me apart....

Stitch

Stitch,

I can only imagine your sense of horror and dread as the 2nd approaches. I would like to tell you not to think about it too much, but I know that has to be impossible.

As long as your vet agrees that euthanasia is the best route, as long as there is no way for your pet to avoid a painful death, do not feel guilty about ending your kitty's suffering.

For 13 years, you've had a wonderful friend in your Xian kitty. Now, as the time grows near, you need to remember all the fun you've had with your kitten. You need to remember that it is better for your kitty to go now, without pain, than to linger in a state of illness. Cherish these last few days, hold your Xian and whisper words of love into those soft ears. Take this as an opportunity to say your goodbyes.

Stay strong. The people on this board know what you're going through.

shelby, i agree with you about vets, and even pet stores, telling people about euthanasia early on. not many people realize that this is inevitable in most cases. i'm sorry that you are still giving yourself grief about your experience with shelby. it is hard to shake the image of our sick and dying babies because it is so hard to see them like that. while you had 14 wonderful years with your shelby, it is normal to be thinking of her last days rather than the other more numerous pleasant days that she had with you. those are the days that are causing you so much pain right now. i, too am having that problem. i had my kitty for 14 years and she was sick for about 3 weeks but when i think of her i tend to think of her when she was only 4 pounds, wouldn't eat, and could barely walk. of course that is not how we want to remember our babies, and others are telling us that the good memories will eventually trump the bad. one thing that has helped me through is this, a few days after i lost my kitty i read somewhere to write down all of the things that i wanted to remember about my kitty. i started a journal that day. it made me feel better as i wrote down beautiful memories of my baby and i am still adding to it, it's about 12 pages long. now whenever i am feeling low and remembering kitty when she was sick instead of when she was healthy, i return to that journal and read a little bit. most of the time i close it smiling. i hope that you begin to feel better soon. ah

Amber, thank you. The journal idea is beautiful. Maybe that would help put Shelby's life in perspective for me....instead of being drowned out by her death.

Stitch I am so sorry for you. I would advise you to browse some of the stories here beforehand to get an idea of what others have experienced. You should trust your vet but also your gut and ask all your questions and do all your research now before you make the final decision. You will probably feel guilty afterwards no matter what you do but I think you should give yourself as few things to agonize over as possible. Most importantly, take control of the euthanasia situation....do you want it at home, at the vet, do you want to hold her, be there, not be there, what will you do with the body, etc.? Not pleasant thoughts but it is easy to see how many of us are agonizing over these things now. You are lucky you found this group before the fact. Take care.

Susan