Well, here is a new year & it seems so different. My friend is gone. I had to let him go. My little friend Whitey came to stay with me for awhile. He brightened up this old man's life. At least I feel so old. The dear little starving kitten came crying to my door & looked at me with his big beautiful blue eyes. I nursed him back to health. But he was a little hobo who just had to roam. I was always so scared he would get run over by a car. We had him I guess nearly 3 years. Then he got sick, started acting strange. We took him to the vet. They found he had FIV. I tried to keep him indoors, but could not make him happy. He longed for the freedom he could never have again. Or maybe he just wanted to go away to die in private. Finally, as depressed as he, I decided to have him euthanized. It was a hard decision. That was the last of October. We brot him home to bury him. We wept like children. My heart still aches. We had another cat & adopted another stray kitten. Alas, neither has been enuf to make me stop missing my dear beloved Whitey, who really was my friend. I have a very good wife, best a man could ever want. And still that is not enuf to comfort me, to help me over the loss of my little hobo friend, that I had to give the finally gift of letting him go. But I couldn't go with him! And I cannot stop missing him, & hurting. Do I feel like a foolish old man? Oh yes, you bet I do. I'm sitting here with my eyes so blurred with tears I can hardly see the keyboard. I've got a good good wife & a nerotic spayed cat & a friskey unspayed calico kitten, & it is not enuf.... not near enuf to help me get over the bitter loss of my friend Whitey. I sure do hope there is a heaven for animals to go. And I sure hope I'll see him again some sweet day. But looks like my life is just never going to be the same, dammit.

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have found this site. It has helped me shed tears and make me feel better about the amount of love that I had for mister. It has been 7 days now, and I wake up crying, have to have help sleeping and break down constantly. At first I felt like something was wrong with me, but as you read my and others accounts of grief you will see that you are not alone. Many people who have the ability to open themselves up and find that special friend are really lucky. Even though I only had 3 years with Mister, he has taught me so much about myself and life. He changed me.

I understand what you are talking about when it comes to your human relationships. I have a loving girlfriend and family surrounding me and I still am missing Mister. IN fact in the darkest part of me I think that this is harder than losing a human friend. I lived with him every day. He made me feel good everytime that i felt bad. He had so much love, and I had so much to give him in return. He was my best friend and love.

I don't know why this happens. I too hope that there is a heaven and that he will meet me there.

My girlfriend wants to go get a kitten this weekend and I am really afraid. I have to realize that it is not the same cat and not expect that it will anything like my relationship with Mister.
Nothing will be like that but I hope that I can find something close. I am sorry that you are struggling. You are not alone. Smile and remember, he would want you to be happy.
Jason

Dear BillyC,
It has been a long time since I have seen you on here it is good to see you. I am sorry you are still grieving so hard for Whitey. I guess when the love of our life and the light of our eyes comes into our hearts, we just have a hard time getting over the loss.

All we can do is hope for the pain to lessen and no, our lives will never be the same. We just learn to forge on and live a different kind of life without them. If I did not believe I would see my girls again I would be a basket case. That is the thing that helps ease my pain and keeps me living and loving on.
Ann

No life will never be the same will it? We are forever changed by these things arent we? I think that we take the things we love the most with us, they are part of us now. And when these ole lives wind down and we take our final breath we will be reunited with all that we love and more than we could imagine.
It is hard when we miss them so. Pamela

Dear Billy,
So sorry to read about poor little Whitey. I had to trawl back a few pages to read your original story. I can see how much you loved him, & that you miss him terribly. I had to put my dear cat Winston down 2 weeks ago tomorow as he too was very ill from FIV - I'd only found out a couple of weeks previously that he had it, despite weeks of various blood tests. Like Whitey, Winston was a stray, who appeared thin and bedraggled on my doorstep 4 years ago. (if you want to read it, I wrote Winston's story out in a post on on 6th Feb.) Apparently FIV is very common among strays, & he possibly had it all along, but I had no idea. My other cat Basil is a wonderful cat and I love him more than words can say, but strays have a charm of their own, & Winston was my little rough diamond. I marvel at how much his character changed, from an aggressive wild creature, who had probably come from an abusive home, to a well behaved, loving & very dignified cat. I had anticipated having him for so much longer, & it broke my heart that he became so ill. Like your Whitey, Winston was an outdoor cat - luckily I live in a fairly quiet little village here in little old England, so he was fairly free to roam around outside, also he was very streetwise & clever, so I knew he wouldn't put himself in danger & he'd keep away from any moving cars. But, like your little Whitey, he was more vulnerable than I thought, & I didn't have the power to stop him getting ill - he'd been such a strong lively thing - it was awful to see him get so ill. It's good that you have your wife & your other little cats to help comfort you, & sorry to hear the heartbreak & pain is still very much with you. No-one, at least no-one on this site, expects you to get over him quickly. We form such bonds with our little friends, & love them so much, their departure leaves such a gap in our lives, and it can feel like things just aren't the same without them. All we can do is be thankful for the time we spent with them. You are in my thoughts,
Elsie

Hi billyc,
Foolish? Never.... You sound like a man with a kind and tender heart. You had a beautiful friendship
with your little "hobo" and the loss has pained you so deeply.
I guess for all of us here at LS, life will never be the same.
I am grieving the loss of my little boy, Indy. I know the emptiness and lonliness you feel without Whitey.
Though I had Indy for 10 years, I expected his life to be so much longer.
I have to believe that we will all be reunited with our pets. It is this belief that gets me through some hard days.
Thinking of you.
Fran

Ah, he really brightened my life for awhile. It wasn't long enuf. It never could be. It amazes me that something so small could have such a BIG impact on my life. And how helpless I feel that I could do nothing to save him, or to make him happier in his final days. May God help us all thru this vale of tears!

Dear Billy,
I know you feel helpless that you weren't able to help him, and cure him from his illness. It's heartbreaking when we aren't able to help, when our babies get ill like this. But take comfort in the fact that you DID help him in his life. What kind of life would he have had if you hadn't taken him in? You obviously gave him a wonderful, very loving home, and a good life for the time that you were together. I think it was fate that brought the both of you together. I'm so sorry it was for too short a time.
It is amazing, as you say, that these small creatures can have such a big impact on our lives, and our hearts. The love between humans & animals can be such a pure, beautiful love, and so rich & full of joy; and the emptiness that we feel when they leave us can be so gut-wrenchingly painful. You did all you could for poor little Whitey, both in his life, & also when it was his time to go.
I know you miss him terribly, & my thoughts are with you.
Love from Elsie

Thank you, Elsie! I really do sure miss him! I hope he is in a better world & I hope I will get to see him again. It seems I am back to my childhood, when I was so sensitive & things made me cry a lot. Did not think that would be until I reached at least my 60s, but here it is. I am mid 50s & I feel like such a sad old man, every time I think of my little lost friend, which is very often. I have two other cats & I love & care for them, but I still mourn my loss in Whitey, one of the sweetest, best friends I ever knew. He sure paid me back for the care I gave him. I LOVE him so. Gotta go, can't see to type. Supposed to be subscribed to this thread, but never get any notification. -- billy c.

Don't feel "foolish". The foolish ones are those who are so uncaring and coldhearted as to turn an animal out to live life as a stray, or mistreat an animal. Thank God we on this board have enough heart to respond to the loss of our pets. We are the "normal" ones. I don't feel foolish for my grief, just foolish that I sometimes took my pets for granted and didn't meet their needs as I should have.

I have often wondered how anyone could have been so cold hearted as to have turned that beautiful creature out. I know I got upset with him some, when he wanted to come in or go out in the middle of the night, but never wanted him to leave. He got very demanding once he finally found a home & people who cared for him, but of course we spoiled him. How could we not? He was just so SO wonderful! Now he he has gone, leaving such a big empty hole in my life that a dozen other pets could not fill. Alas & alack! A big BIG lack!!!

Friends, here's an update. Maybe my prayer is being answered. I still miss Whitey & feel sad - sort of empty. But I haven't had the deep pain or tears now in a few days. So... here's hoping! Thanks to all of you for the encouraging words & support!!!!! your's, billyc