Now that I am finally feeling a *little* less horrible and guilty 24/7 about losing Shelby (thanks to all your wonderful, understanding, compassionate, replies), I am developing a new kind of guilt: here I am so distraught over my Shelby’s passing, yet so many people have lost *human beings* from their lives. For example, every day at my daughter’s preschool I see a mom whose 4 year old daughter died 5 years ago. I always felt very tender and sympathetic towards her but now I want to grab her by the shoulders and ask her, “How on earth did you even survive? How do you continue to get up every day and function? How did you just not die from grief immediately”? I am frightened thinking of what that women has had to face. Judging by the profound sickening darkness I feel about losing Shelby, I am fairly certain if anything happened to my daughter I would just find the nearest bridge and immediately jump off. I find myself scared of so much now….scared that something will happen to my husband or daughter or someone else in my life…..I could barely stand to exist the first week after Shelby died that if anything happened to my child.....well, it is simply terrifying to contemplate the ensuing pain.

Does anyone else feel guilty or fearful over your extreme grief over losing “just” a pet? I hate to admit this out loud but I am suffering more now than when I lost any of my grandparents. Not that we were extremely close emotionally or geographically but they were relatives. Am I just twisted? Yet, I *know* all my feelings about Shelby are all too profound and real.

Finally, even though everyone around me was so sypathetic the first week, now I feel like they are tired of hearing about Shelby and ready for me to feel better and move on. Last week when people said, “how are you doing?” I felt free to cry “Terrible!” Now I still feel sick and lonely but I feel like I need to start saying “fine!” and listen to their stories about difficult toddlers and bad days at work and all I can think is “do you really think I can actually focus on what you're saying when all I can think about is how I dragged my beautiful trusting dog to euthanasia only a week ago? Are you heartless or just dense?” Thankfully my husband isn’t acting this way. The one and ONLY single good thing about him being gone the week Shelby passed is that now that he is home he is fully mourning her also, so I feel like I have company in my grief.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense. Any comments welcome.

Susan

Susan,
I do not think that you are weird at all. Experiencing a loss like you describe is devestating. Just because animals can't talk does not mean they do not have a kind of relationship with you that might not exist with humans.

In my situation, I do not have kids. I did start to feel a little guilt when comparing my potential reaction to a friend dying to Mister Kitty. My relationship was so strong with him, and we were so co-dependent on each other that it is stronger than most of my human relationships. I believe that is why he came into my life and maybe was taken. I don't know if I would have learned a lesson in appreciation if he was still here. I have to try to find a reason that he was taken from me and use that to be a better person, enjoying and cherishing the time I have with family, friends, and of course our pets.

The love is not only unconditional from you to them but also from them to you. It is very hard to achieve that with humans because there are so many factors. I believe that may be why we ghet so attached. Do not feel guilty, since mister died, Jenn my girlfriend has been devastated. She lost her mother when she was 19. For her for many reasons that are too long to go into, losing Mister is more difficult for her and she feels guilt about that. You are not alone.
There is a good article on this web site that I just read that might make you feel better. I forget the name but you can find it easily.

Jason

Dear Shelby's Mom,
Your feelings are not at all unusual or "twisted". I think it's more common than you may think that people can be more affected by the death of their pets, than that of relatives. I can't really offer a valid explanation of why this can happen - maybe because our furbabies are such innocent, dependant beings. I know when my parent's cat died, my father was so heartbroken by it & was quite honest in saying that he was more affected by that than when his mother passed on, & he was very close to his mother & loved her dearly.

As for your second point - I understand totally what you mean. It seems everyone thinks we sould be over it after just a few days. There can be alot of ignorance involving the death of our loved furbabies, & even though my boyfriend has been supportive over my Winston's death on the 5th, I get the impression he thinks I should kinda be getting over it by now. It can be so maddening when colleagues & friends want to make smalltalk about things that are relatively trivial, & we are still hurting so badly over the death of our babies; and frustrating when we feel obliged not to talk about it with them. I know you went through a dreadful time with the passing on of dear Shelby, & were struggling with various painful emotions, & that the pain & heartbreak is still very intense. That's good your husband is giving you company in your grief, and at least here also you have a place to let it all out. We all understand & can share in your feelings.
Hugs,
Elsie

Dear Susan,

Oh my, you are NOT expressing anything that we ALL haven't written or felt ourselves. We have written in here many times how much the pain can with a furbaby than a "human". I know that I thought I must be crazy when I hurt so badly after Rachael passed. Until I started reading in here about others feeling the same thing.

We share such a close and unique bond with our furbabies They give us unconditional love!!!! We cry and confess to them when we are feeling bad. We laugh and hug them when we experience joy in our loves. We trust them completely and many times confide things to them that we wouldn't even tell a mate. They are ALWAYS happy to see us! They greet us when we get home from a long day and make eveything alright again. We plan our entire lives around them! We make sure we get home by a certain time. When we vacation, we make sure they can go or will be taken care of. We are willing to do as much as we can to keep them healthy. Not only are they dependent on us, but we are just as dependent on them.

Is it any wonder we grieve SO heavily when they pass?

Cheri

Dear Susan,

There is nothing weird at all about the way you feel after losing your precious Shelby. It's true, though I'm not sure why that we feel such profound sadness, after losing our pets. Many times it is more intense than when we lose a human friend/family member. After Rusty died, I was so distraught that my son questioned whether I'd feel as badly if he died. After getting over the shock of him asking me this, I had to tell him honestly that I couldn't see myself feeling any worse and still being able to breathe. I felt horrible telling him that but it was how I honestly felt, however I believe as you do, Susan that if I ever lost my child, I'd look for the nearest bridge and jump off.

I'm glad your husband is home to grieve with you. It does help when my husband and I talk about Rusty and just how much we loved him. Those who have never experienced that precious human/animal bond cannot understand what we're going through and most people expect you to "just get over it" in a few days.

I feel so fortunate to have stumbled upon LS 2 days after I lost Rusty. Sorry that you had to come here but you sure picked the best place.

Thinking of you.
Lynn

Dear Susan,
I can totally understand and relate to your new fears.
I have one son who is 19. When I lost Indy, I sat Adam down and told him that after seeing my response to our pet loss
I would never be able to survive the loss of my one and only child. I begged my son to keep himself safe. He is at that age where he feels indestructable and says I "worry too much". My worries now are not just for his safety and well- being, but more selfish as I can not imagine life without my dear, dear son.
I also have guilt because I just recently lost my 93 year-old grandmother. I was saddened by her death but rationalized by saying her advanced age gave her no quality of life. She suffered from dementia and had been slipping away from the family for years. I think I mourned her loss over a long period of time so her death was not such a shock.
My grief over the loss of Indy was so profound that I sought help from mental health professionals. My therapist told me the differece between losing a pet and extended family are understandable. My pet was an integral part of my life. His devotion to me was unconditional. I was never let down or disappointed by my beloved Indy. We all know that sometimes family members may disappoint us or not meet expectations we have. It seems our pets don't do that to us.
I have read a lot on pet loss and the special relationships we have with our animals. When we lose them it is hard to understand and reconcile the immensely important role they play in our lives.
I'm sorry I've rambled on in this post. Your comments are near and dear to my heart as I have been grappling with this issue for some weeks now.
No Susan, you are not alone in dealing with this phenomena.
Hugs,
Fran

Susan,
I completely agree with what everyone here has said. You are not weird, twisted or anything other than deeply grieving someone that you loved profoundly and who was always there for you. When Lucy was diagnosed with cancer, I expected many people to respond by not making a big deal about it. I was surprised at how many people took it very seriously and responded by saying, "Oh my God...I don't know how I would survive if I lost my dog/ cat"
I actually had to go to a funeral three days after Lucy's passing. She was a distant relative of my husband's and although I didn't know her well, she was a nice lady. Anyway, as the whole day proceeded, I realized I was spending that time grieving Lucy much more than I was this poor woman. I felt bad about it, but I realized that Lucy was part of my immediate family, human or not. She spent every day and every night with me, just as my own kids do. And while I, like you, would go insane if anything happened to my kids, I still miss Lucy more than anything and am still grieving her passing.
I found that there are a lot of good books that touch upon what you speak of....why some people grieve more intensely than others for their pets. It is helpful to look at these for reassurance that your feelings are normal. This website is good for that too. Just because your feelings are not the same as someone else's might be, it doesn't at all mean they are abnormal. Sometimes I suck it up and just say "I'm hanging in there" when people ask, but other times I am just honest and say "I still feel lousy." My husband said that he had never felt more emotional about something in his entire life than he did the day we had Lucy put down. He is not terribly emotional so that told me a lot that his love was so pure and strong for Lucy that when she died, it shook him to his absolute core.

You are not weird or strange, just human.

Caroline

Dear Susan,
I believe that death does leave us fearful of our loved ones and our remaining fur babies dying. I love my family with all my heart but I loved Snookie as much too. She was my constant companion the love of my life and my baby. I always said to my husband even she she was grown oh she's just a baby. He would laugh and say but she's a grown baby. When my mom passed away it nearly tore my world out from under me. She loved me like no other in the world did. I think I am grieving as much for Snookie as I did my precious mother.

Now I am also afraid when my grown children ride in the car together. I fear that they might get in a accident and all of them might be killed. Before Snookie died I loved that the 4 of my children are so close and go many places together. But now it leaves me fearful all the time that I might lose them all. I think I might retreat into a world of my own if I lost even one.

We should not feel ashamed or guilty when we grieve the loss of our fur babies. After all our love for them is just as real and as strong as for a human sometimes more so. I cry everytime I hear someone's fur baby has passed away. Yes, there are babies, children, and adults dying all the time. Whenever I hear about them passing away I weep for them too. It doesn't matter even if I don't know them I have compassion for all people. That is all people except the ones who abuse children, adults, or animals.
Ann