I had Shelby, my gentle, beautiful, shiny, fluffy, red-brown 15-year-old
chow-lab dog, euthanized Monday, and I am consumed by grief not only from
missing someone who was physically present in my life nearly every day for
the last 14 years, but also extreme guilt and anguish over the way I ended
her life. I don't even know exactly how old she was, only that I found her
in 1990 and the vet thought she was a year old then. But until a few weeks
ago she was quite healthy and happy (except for a touch of arthritis which
responded brilliantly to a little medication), romping with us in the
backyard, and loving her walks. Plus I had a thorough physical and bloodwork
done on her last summer whose results had led me to hope she had at least a
good year or two left.

However, her decline was both sudden and exponential. I took her to the vet
only a week and a half ago! During January she had fallen several times, was
having difficulty getting around the house, and started refusing to go for
walks, all of which I had been attributing to the arthritis getting worse.
She also was not eating much---not that she had ever been a big eater---but
I thought this newly decreased appetite might be due to the new Senior chow
I had recently introduced. Then Wednesday February 2, during a warm tub bath
I was giving her to help ease the "arthritis", she was breathing very
heavily, looked weak, and when she went in the backyard afterward to roll in
the grass she fell awkwardly, looked surprised, and did not get up. I helped
her to her feet and called the vet.

By that Saturday February 5, after xrays, ultrasounds, bloodwork, and a
consult with a specialist, I knew:
1.. She had a large mass in her chest near her heart.
2.. Fluid was filling up in the space around her lungs, making it
increasingly difficult to breathe. I had it tapped on Wednesday and it was
clear. Her breathing eased somewhat for a day or so. I had it tapped again
on Saturday and the volume had doubled and had become bloody and clotted.
Her breathing eased for about half a day then became labored again.
3.. Shelby was down to 41.4 lbs after weighing 48/49 her entire adult
life.

She started having increased difficulty breathing. I tempted her with
chicken and steak but by Sunday she couldn't eat at all (although she
hobbled over to look at the treats several times). Sunday and Monday morning
I tried to feed her by hand and the food just dropped out of her mouth. It
also became increasingly difficult for Shelby to get around. Sunday night
and Monday morning it seemed her only goal was to find a comfortable
position to focus her energy on breathing in short, labored, fast breaths.
(At one point I counted and got 70 respirations per minute.) She wanted to
be outside all the time, even at night, even in the rain. The last 2 nights
I got up every couple hours to check on her, afraid she would need help and
I wouldn't hear her.

Then, 8:30 am Monday the specialist called to say the final lab results were
back and the mass in her chest was definitely carcinoma. Operating was not
an option (not that I would have put her through that at age 15). I asked
what would happen now and was told you can either keep draining the fluid,
or she will die from lack of oxygen, or you need to think abut euthanizing.
That was it. I couldn't see subjecting her to more drainings, and I would
have killed her myself before I let her slowly suffocate. Given how quickly
she had deteriorated I felt like I needed to euthanize and I needed to do it
quickly. I tried to contact called the regular vet several times to get her
opinion and was told she would call when her appointments were done.

And, of course, to top all this off, my husband is out of the country this
week on a critical business trip.

My daughter and I spent the morning with Shelby. I tried to love her enough
for an eternity. Of course I failed. I dropped off my daughter at preschool
at 1 on Monday and arranged for a friend to pick her up and keep her after
school. I came home and sat on the cool grass in our sunny breezy backyard
with Shelby. I talked to her and hugged her and petted her and looked in her
eyes and watched her and sobbed, desperately trying to figure out what to
do. She was just standing there, focussed on breathing, her tongue hanging
out just a little and her eyes sunken and empty. "Is this it?" I asked her,
"is this it, baby? Are we done now? What do you want me to do? Please tell
me what to do!" No answer except the quick shallow raspy breathing and the
bony body and the sunken empty eyes. I called her regular vet's office (who
is 20 miles away in a town I used to live in) and demanded to talk to her
doctor now. When she came to the phone I told her I thought it was time but
I needed to feel I was making the right choice. The vet said she hadn't seen
the specialist's reports yet but that, based on what I was saying, she
thought that although *maybe* we could give her little more time with more
drainage, we had to ask ourselves if it was likely to be the kind of time
worth having, and given how quickly the fluid had refilled 2 times, it was
probably time for me to find us both some peace. That was it. I had my
answer.

So, did I then put my beloved gentle beautiful longtime companion in the car
and drive her 45 minutes to her kind vet of 10 years and quietly end her
life gently and lovingly by a compassionate woman who knew her? No. I did
not.

In a frenzied, hysterical, even somewhat *cold-hearted* panic I had her put
down that very hour, nay, half-hour, in a clinic 2 minutes away where they
didn't know us and where we were treated competently but quickly and
clinically. And I *swear* she knew what I was up to: twice I went to pick
her up to carry her to the car and she tottered a few steps to elude my
grasp. I thought, "well if you have the energy to walk you can walk," so I
leashed her and walked her slowly through the house and out to the sidewalk,
where she managed a few steps down the sidewalk like we were going for our
first walk in 2 weeks. This nearly killed me inside but didn't stop me from
picking her up and putting her in the car. Drove to a nearby clinic (which I
had found in the phone book, chosen because the ad was full of new-age crap
about the life spirit that binds people and animals and a lot of yammering
about how compassionate they were and how they were so into animal rights.
Also the receptionist sounded compassionate on the phone and said they were
a walk-in clinic. But when we got there they treated me like I was some
creep just there to get rid of an inconvenient old dog.)

I did have a few minutes of hugging and stroking and talking to her on the
table in the exam room but even this was punctuated by paperwork and a
credit card transaction. (When I saw that reciept in my purse a few days
later I almost threw up.) Again I tried to love her and stroke her enough to
make it all OK. Although weak and exhausted, when the vet and the technician
came in and got to work shaving her leg she got agitated. She had to be
restrained by a technician on the table (why did I let them put her on a
table?!? she hated exam tables!! I wished I had held her body in my arms!)
while the vet found the vein. I thought they would sedate her first so I
could have a final peaceful moment with her but no, they pumped all the
drugs into her right away and she went from being agitated to being dead
immediately, while I was holding and stroking her face and head and looking
at her eyes and telling her everything was going to be OK. The vet said that
when he looked at [something....I don't remember what] he could see she was
already dying. This, and the fact that I was with her, touching her, in the
end are the *only* things keeping me from complete despair, but I was
sobbing and shaking like a maniac the whole time and I hate myself for
making this her last vision on earth.

But mostly I hate and am tormented by the fact that I made a trip to a
strange vet her last experience. This is KILLING me. Why did I do it this
way? She could have made a 20-mile drive to the regular vet. But no, I was
on a MISSION to get it DONE. I was woman possessed: Honestly, I just wanted
her dead and buried NOW. I had this idea that I had to get her home and
buried before my preschooler saw the body or saw me digging a grave. Later I
realized my preschooler probably wouldn't have even noticed either one for
days. But at the time I felt trapped between my dog and my child and my own
hysteria. I felt I had run out of time.

Did I think she would be too uncomfortable, or expire, in the car on the
freeway for 45 minutes? That's not worse than being uncomfortable in a
strange vet's office. Did I think it was too much for me to stand driving
her 45 mintues to her death and the 45 minutes home with her body? I could
have found someone to drive with me. I never even tried. Did I think I
needed to do this alone, just her and me (and strangers)? I don't know.

Anyway, after trying twice to talk me into cremation, the technician helped
me carry her body to the trunk. He asked me several times if I was going to
be OK driving home.

I brought Shelby home by 2:30 pm and dug a 4-foot-deep hole alone with a
lunatic's strength. I had her buried by 8:30 that night.

So now I'm nearly incapacitated by grief at missing her but even more, by
the sickening unbearable anguish of thinking that I ended our long loving
relationship hastily and badly. Then sometimes I wonder if she was really
even that sick at all? Or even completely dead when I buried her? I am
making myself crazy. I spoke with the vet and the specialist afterwards to
get reassurance that I did the right thing, but I still have to look at my
notes from the vet's calls and force myself to visualize her bony body
straining for breath to keep from going crazy thinking I killed my dog for
no reason.

Everyone says "you did the right thing" but, honestly, what else
are they going to say now with her dead and buried? Not only am I missing my
gentle beautiful loving girl who has been with me more than anyone in my
life for the last 14 years, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself or
stop feeling horrified by the way I ended her. I feel sick, I can't sleep, I
can't eat, I can't stop crying hysterically. How can you love someone so
much and fail them so badly?

If anyone can inject any sense into this insane rant, I would be so grateful. Or tell me I just screwed up....maybe it will help me start coming to terms with that.

Sincerely,

Susan

I think what you did what was the right choice at the time.
Was it the right thing?...hard to say.

You know, when it comes down to it, it's more important that an companion animal dies with their human companion knowing they were loved.

Dear Susan,

I am SO sorry for your loss. I know just how you feel, and believe me you didn't do anything wrong!!!! The only thing you did was provide all the love and support that your precious Shelby needed.

I lost my sweet Rachael with the same shock that you did. She was about to turn 12 years old and seemed completely healthy and happy. She also suffered from arthritis and we were starting treatment with medication for her. Then suddenly on a Tuesday, she began to look weak. She had difficulty getting and down. We assumed it was from her arthritis. She also lost interest in eating. We took her the vet and were horrified to discover that she had been bleeding internally. The vet gave us the option of trying medication for an ulcer and hope that was the cause of the bleeding. The the next few days we prayed and hoped that she would recover. Like you, I started boiling chicken and rice (her favorite) hoping to get her to eat. She ate that for a day and I felt relieved. However, that didn't last long. Soon she stopped eating the chicken too. She would still drink and try to move around, but she was just so weak. After a few days with her only getting worse, our worst fear came true, and we realized she was suffering from cancer. By Thursday, we even had to carry her inside and out, and Friday we had to actually hold her while she was outside, trying to go to the bathroom. (she still drank alot of water). We knew we had to end her suffering, and decided to spend that last weekend with her and take her to the vet on Monday. Saturday morning my husband went off to work, as usual. When I got up later with Rachael, her breathing became labored, like Shelby's. It just broke my heart to see that! She was too weak to get up and now she could hardly breath.

I went into "auto pilot", like you did. Our intense love just gives us strength we don't know we have! Without my husband, I decided to take Rachael to the vet myself. It was very hard to make that decision. Although she couldn't get up, wouldn't eat and had trouble breathing, she was still very alert! She would raise her head up and wag her tail everytime I came into the room. After I called the vet to set it up, my Rachael barked at my mother's car coming into our driveway. She hadn't barked in days! I held her and cried to her, just like you, "Is it time baby?" "Do you want to go?". Just looking into her eyes told me she was ready.

Susan, it is posted here all the time, but it is the only thing that makes sense to us all, but you took on the pain and suffering for your precious Shelby, so that she wouldn't have to anymore. You gave her the ultimate gift of love!

I've been told in here that our furbabies will mask their illnesses for as long as they can. It's part of their old survival instincts, to not show any weakness. That leaves many of us with alot of guilt. We think, "why didn't I know they were sick?". We just weren't given any signs. It's usually not until our furbabies become too weak to hide it any longer, that we discover something was wrong.

I wouldn't feel guilty at all about the clinic. You saw her suffering and knew she needed immediate relief. To Shelby, all that mattered was that you were there with her. It didn't matter where it happened, only that you loved her enough to let her go. She saw YOU, not anything else. You were the loving presence there for her.

I know this will be a long painful journey for you, but time will help heal your pain. PLEASE don't add all this guilt on top of that grief. It will be hard enough to adjust to a life without her now, you don't need to beat yourself up. There is a poem posted in this forum called "May I Go Now?". It's a beautiful poem that I KNOW describes what my Rachael felt. You could do a search for it, and I bet you'd feel the same, that Shelby really wanted to go, not because she didn't love you, but because her had to.

Please keep coming here and writing our your feelings. Let the tears flow. All this will help you start to heal. You are a wonderful and special loving person!

My thoughts are with you,
Cheri

(((Susan)) You are in great despair right now and doubting yourself. This is normal, I did it too. Please stop beating yourself up. You did the only thing you could have done, you made the right decision to end Shelby's suffering. I see myself in your post- I too felt and still feel TREMENDOUS guilt. You were panicky, you knew what you had to do and you did not want to do it. I prayed hard for weeks for God to take my furbaby gently, in his sleep, just so I wouldn't have to make the difficult decision. That prayer wasn't answered. Don't don't don't feel bad about taking her to a closer vet, you were with her and she was with you. You were frantic in your grief over what was happening, I was too. You were in a panic, but in no way a cold hearted panic. Please stop beating yourself up over this.
I too dug the grave like a lunatic. I was down on my knees moving the earth like a mad woman, crying so hard I couldn't see, hysterical. I too wanted it over with. I didn't want to put my baby in the cold ground, no! no! no! I was fortunate that my husband was home and with me, helping me, but he might as well have been on the moon for there was no comforting me. I kept asking, are you sure he's gone, are you sure? afraid we were burying him alive. I wasn't brave enough to make that last trip to the vet and I beat myself up over that. The doubts you are having, the questions you are tormenting yourself with, I've done it too. I guess its normal, whatever normal is.

Please stop feeling guilty, please stop beating yourself up. Bless you, there you were with your husband out of town and a crisis that had to be dealt with. I think you are a very couragous, strong woman who loved your Shelby so much that you didn't want her to suffer. You helped Shelby by ending her suffering, you were with her. She was blessed to have you. She's in a better place now, happy and healthy again, and its because you had the courage to help her get there.
Beth

it is so hard when we must make the desicion to end the life of one that has been with us for so long and that we love so much. you could see that she was sick and, as hard as it was, you made a desicion that anyone with love for their animal would make. it's so strange because i, too, kept wondering if my kitty was really gone when we put her in the ground. she was still warm and i was sure that we were burying the poor thing alive. and after we covered her with dirt, i wanted to dig her up, wanted to hold her and kiss her again, wanted her to know how much she meant to me. i wish i would have held her a little longer before putting her in the box. what's done is done - we all wish that we had done something different but we are human and our pets understand this more than anyone. i'm sure you remember a time when you had done something that you were sure would make people mad or upset with you - shelby wasn't was she? she loved you unconditionally and no matter what you did in a hysterical frenzy she loves you for loving her so much to help her be at peace. it's hard to see our pets in such bad condition, but please don't remember shelby as she gasped for air, remember her "romping with us in the backyard and loving her walks."
it's not easy and i hear the pain sticks around for a while, but share your feelings with us - it will make you, and us, feel better. i thought i was going crazy until i found this place. the pain that you have is tremendous but we hurt with you. be strong. ah

Dear Susan,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Shelby. Please be assured that you did not fail Shelby in any way. I lost my dog, Shiloh, in September to lymphoma. The day before I had her put down, she started feeling badly...she was weak, she wouldn't eat, and her breathing was labored. I remember that night...Shiloh was so uncomfortable...she was up and down, in and out, and panting all night long....what I remember most about that night was looking at the clock at 2AM and wishing I could call my vet and have her come over to put Shiloh down right then. It wasn't that I was crazed or anything like that, I just didn't want her to suffer. When I read your post, what you described reminded me of how I felt. So, in my opinion, you didn't fail Shelby, you, like I, didn't want your baby to suffer.

You're in my thoughts,
Kathleen

Dear Susan,

I am so sorry for your loss of Shelby. It sounds to me like it was time, she was suffering and it was only going to get worse, you did what you HAD to do.

My first dog I had to put down, I had him almost 17 years and loved him so much, it was him and me against the world all that time. But the day came when I had to take him down to the vets to be put to rest, and I put him in the back of the jeep, with a bowl of water for a drink before the trip, and he could only drink very slowly: a lap of water then a rest, a lap of water then a rest.. and I found myself getting angry at him, wanted him to hurry up. Of course I was in tears the second I hit the vet parking lot, and afterwards I had to drive back home but felt like I was out of my body, I should not have been driving. Oh it was so awful... the whole thing is so surreal, having to put down a creature that you love so much and who loved you more purely than any human ever will... - please don't blame yourself for anything you felt or did, you were performing the one task on earth you shouldn't have had to. You probably had some irrational feelings, we all do/did, it's not your fault, it's just the stress of the whole thing.

Take care, (((Susan)))

I don't think you've failed your her. What you did was what was best for her. To me, a 10 minute drive is 10 minutes to change my mind. There are people on this site who drive 50 + miles to their vets and if I had to drive with any of my babies for that long knowing I was taking them to be put down, I don't know if I could it. Maybe subconsciously you didn't want to give yourself the opportunity to change your mind? Your baby was sick and could no longer live a quality life. I've said frequently on this site that I would never allow my animals to suffer for 1 minute longer than they had to. Within the next couple years I'll have to make that trip with Elvis, my Pug. He's 13. Whether it be from old age or illness, it will be hard for me, but I will do it because our babies don't deserve to suffer. Also, maybe the reason she was relunctant to let you put her in the car was because she was afraid of getting another draining? You would be beating yourself up over something else if you took her to your vet. There is no way for any good pet owner to not feel the things you are feeling right now after they've had to have a pet put to sleep.

You also did what you had to do alone. That cannot be easy. I live alone but when Romeo died my mother decided she was going to come over and spend the night. I didn't want her to, but my point is that I had my family to support me. Your girl knows you loved her. She can breathe, run, eat and do all the things she could when she was healthy. You've taken her pain and suffering on yourself so that she could be free from those things. What more compassionate thing could you have done for her?

It will get better.

Steve

Dear Susan,
You did not fail Shelby in any way!!!!
I went through a simimilar situation with Indy, though his illness was more chronic and I knew the time
would come for the decision to euthanize him. It was an agonizing decision to make. Once made, I felt desparate
to get it done. It was 24 hours after we made our decision before we returned to the vet. It was the longest and most painful period of time in my life. Every time I looked at him I was overwrought with guilt. Wondering...did he know his fate?
Was I doing the right thing?. Instead of having that time with him to celebrate our love and life together, all I did was sob.
I'm sure he knew something was not right. I was also terrified that in that time I waited, he would deteriorate further or experience pain. That is something I wanted desparately to avoid.
No, you did not fail Shleby, and I did not fail Indy. Our decisions were the right ones at that moment in time and we must accept that we did the right thing for our beloved companions. The decisions we made, were out of the deep love and devotion we have for them.
Thinking of you during these very difficult times.
Fran

Dear Susan,
I'm so sorry for your loss of Shelby. It's a human trait to beat ourselves up with guilt about what more we could have done for our loved ones, & whether we failed them in any way. No way did you fail Shelby. You were with her till the very end. And she knew that she had your love & support, & that you were there for her. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
Elsie

Oh Susan,
No, no, no, you did not fail Shelby you were driven by your love for her and even in your frenzied and hysterical state of mind you were only trying to get help to end her suffering. You even found the strength to dig that hated hole called a grave so you could put her to rest.

You said you tried to love her enough for an eternity and there is no doubt about that in my mind. You tried your best to take good care of her and show her how much you really loved her and how much she meant to you. She knew how much she was loved and how much you tried to help her.


Often times the death of our babies leaves us with so many doubts and fears and guilt and worries. You said in your post people have told you it was the right thing to do because she is dead and buried. Susan, rest assured no one would say that to you here on LS just for the sake of saying it.

We will give you our compassion, a listening ear, and words of comfort and hope for healing. What we will tell you is that it takes great strength, love, and courage to help our babies over to the Rainbow bridge. Also we will tell you that you took on her pain so she could be without pain. That's the greatest gift any of us could give to our babies was to let them go so they are no longer suffering.

I cried as I envisioned you all alone out in your yard digging the grave for your precious Shelby. No doubt with the tears flowing down your face as you dug so frantically to get the heartbreaking job done.

My husband and son dug the hole for our Chili Bean when she had to be put to sleep. I stood and cried as I watched my precious son and husband in their grief trying to get the hole dug in the half frozen ground. They both had tears rolling down their faces with each shovel full of dirt they took out of the ground. The rest of the family came when the ground was prepared and we had a funeral for her.

My Snookie left this world 6 weeks and 3 days later and the ground was too frozen to dig a grave. I had to have my baby girl cremated and that was so hard for me to do.

Hold on Susan it will get easier in time expect the pain to come and go in the beginning but it will lessen in time. I hate the saying Time heals all wounds, it does not but it does get better in time. I am so sorry you lost your little girl.
Ann

Dear Susan,
You did the most unselfish & kindest act you could have ever done for your Shelby. My Duchess died on Feb 4th due to a sudden ilness. My decsion was made at 6:25 p.m.
I had no idea that that was my only option until that very minute. All it took was to see her suffering & the decision was made. She deserved to rest peacefully & it was the last gift I could give her. So please remember that even though your heart is broken, you did the most kindest thing of all by releasing your Shelby from further suffering.
You did the right thing -- my heart goes out to you
We are all here for u my friend
*** ooo
Duchess's mommy

I know the pain of it, I have alot of guilt myself, I could not go say good bye to my boy, he was hit by a car, I had to wait until the next day to find out when I got the phone call, I was devastated and collasped, I just could not bring my self to go say goodbye, I feel like I let him down...I know I let him down, I have been trying to come to terms with this since it happened and I will always regret that because I owed him that and he needed me...it just rips my heart up. So I understand what you mean when you feel like you did not feel like you did it right, well, the only way I have been able to deal with this in the slightest way was to remind myself that I loved Moose with all of my heart and he loved me with all of my heart and he knew that for his whole life, that is how I have been trying to come to terms with it and I will feel like I let my best friend down for the rest of my life. And another way I deal with it is praying...alot of praying...he was in my life every day for 9 yrs, I was devastated, so please give yourself some time...I feel for you about the strange surroundings, but none could share the deep intimate love that you had with your baby. My thought are with you. Pamela

Dear Susan,

I am so sorry for your loss of Shelby. I know how much pain you are in. I think you did the best you could at the time. When it comes to our furbabies we all get very emotional. I think there is not one of us that hasn't been through the scenario of could I have prevented or changed something. Having to face taking Shelby there by yourself had to be terrible. You did the best thing you could for her. Please do not feel guilty. You did not desert her in her time of need.

My Sasha had a similar problem - her tumor had progressed also to where she could not breathe and I like you could not put her through it any longer. I did not realize when I took her to the vet that this would be it so I also felt badly that I did not get to spend a little more time with her. But she could hardly breathe and so I opted to put her out of her misery. I admire you for going by yourself. I had my husband with me and I was a basket case.

Shelby and all our babies are now free from pain and suffering and we have all those beautiful memories of them.

I am thinking of you during this time.

Nancy (Sasha's Mom)

I am so very grateful to you ALL. I couldn't believe so many strangers took the time to read my extremely long story and respond so thoughtfully, lovingly, and compassionately. Throughout the day today, whenever I started sinking into that pit again, I sat down at the computer and read carefully through all the posts. I had tears streaming but felt calmed and solaced each time. Finding this forum has been the the most helpful thing that has happened to me since Shelby died. Thank you.

Susan

Susan,
When I first lost Moose, I was on this site at least 9 hours a day, reading, posting, crying, trying to work through this, I could not believe how alone....".that I wasnt". Pamela

Dear Shelby's mom,
Your letter made me cry.I cried because I recognize those feelings you have of guilt and confusion.I cried because
I recognize the feelings of seeing your pet deteriorate so fast that it is all so confusing.I cried because I felt the heartache in your letter.

It's not easy but coming here is helping me and it will help you.
Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss.


Rest in peace precious Shelby....and when you are ready go run and play with Bijou and all the other wonderful loving pets that have passed on and are just over the Rainbow Bridge.

Dear Susan,

My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your precious Shelby. My thoughts echo what the others have said......You did not fail Shelby. You took away her suffering. Please don't blame yourself for doing anything wrong. You did everything right for your friend.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Lynn

I am sorry for your loss. You acted with love and gave her a dignified ending. You took her to a strange clinic. That isn't a big thing. I took Oswald to the emergency hospital because they were open on Sunday. That wasn't his regular vet, but I wanted to spend Saturday with him.

You did nothing to feel guilty about.

Dee Dee

shelby is beautiful! thank you for sharing her picture with us! i hope things are better for you - i know it's hard. i feel a little better now. you're right, this forum is absolutely wonderful. i'm so glad that i stumbled upon it and found all of these great people. thinking of you, ah

Dear Susan:

I am very sorry over the loss of your precious Shelby....
When I read your post (2/13/2005 @ 7:49am), my heart absolutely broke, and I am
terribly sorry that I haven't answered you sooner!

As I was reading your post, I felt as if I was right there with you.....
I was so sad to hear everything that you went through.....

Please believe me, and everyone else that has written before me, "You
did EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER for your precious Shelby......
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!

After we had Ernestine put to sleep (2/7/2004 at noon-time), I was an absolute mess!
I felt like I had lost my mind......... (I believe that I did!)
I couldn't eat....
I couldn't sleep.....
I didn't want to shower....
I didn't want to get out of bed...
I felt as if someone was taking a serrated knife and kept shoving it in and out of my chest...
My migraines were horrible!!!

My heart hurt soooooooooooooo bad!!!!!
And, I know that everyone here at LS, including yourself.......
KNOWS THAT HORRIBLE PAIN!!!!!

Everyone that has answered your post, has given you wonderful advice.....

If it wasn't for my husband Ben, AND this site, I'm not sure where I'd be......

I, like sooooooo many other people, stayed on this site for hours a day, and I kept
reading lots of posts......
I'd pick different names, and follow THEIR JOURNEY.........

I NEEDED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE "MADE IT", WITHOUT THEIR KIDS......

When I was writing my posts...........I just felt like I was rambling........(probably because
I was)........I used to "journal write", and that's what I felt I was doing -- except, I was
typing on this site, pleading for help...

But, I was assurred by people who had been here longer than myself that I should....
"JUST WRITE, WRITE, WRITE..........AND, do not worry if I was making sense or not.....
Because, I needed to get these feelings off of my chest......."

So, that's what I did...

One day, someone wrote a post to me, and in it, she wrote................

"Always remember........You took away Ernestine's pain, So that she could finally
be without pain.........

I WILL NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT STATEMENT.....

Because, with that one sentence, I STARTED TO FEEL BETTER.............
Finally, something made sense to me!!!!

I had prayed to God that He take Ernie in her sleep............but, that wasn't going to
be.........so, Ben and I had to do the most loving thing for her, and that was to have
her put to sleep....

You gave Shelby the most loving and unselfish gift you could..........
*****THE GIFT TO FINALLY BE FREE!!!!!*****

You helped your sweet Shelby get to a place where she is just like you remember
her, in the days when she was healthy....

And, I KNOW..........she thanks you so very, very much!!!!!

Shelby WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.......
Her spirit, her beautiful soul.............WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT IN YOUR HEART!!!!
And, in your mind.....

She is just a thought away......

And, I believe that our babies go to Rainbow's Bridge......Where their sweet
bodies are young & brand new again ............
There is no pain, no suffering.....

I love to think of "ALL OF OUR KIDS, running free through
the grassy meadows..........where they can smell the flowers, have fun chasing
one another........
Rainbow's Bridge is a BEAUTIFUL PARADISE....

And...........one day, when our time on Earth is done..........we will be reunited
with our kids, and We will walk into eternity together.....
***WHERE WE WILL NEVER, EVER BE SEPARATED AGAIN!!!!***

I have said a prayer to Ernestine that she show Shelby around up at Rainbow's
Bridge..........
I'm sure that sweet Shelby has her Angel Wings by now!!!!!!

Please, stick around here Susan....... I know that you will find a lot
of strength and comfort and love here...........

Everyone here is superb!!

God Bless You, my new friend!!!

Love, Denise xo

Hi. Hope that you are doing better. How do you import a picture?

Dear Susan-
Thinking of you and hoping you are surviving these very tough days.
I am so glad you shared Shelby's photo.
She is truly gorgeous!
Hugs,
Fran

Thank you all again and thank you for the compliments on my Shelby Dog. She really was beautiful. People always wanted to know what breed she was, but we never could tell them for sure.

Dee Dee I have been clinging so hard to what you said about choosing the vet's office not being as big a thing as I'm making it. I'm a bit dense lately but it has finally occurred to me how many, many people must go to emergency clinics for euthanasia and they shouldn't feel guilty about that.....and, like you, if I thought I could have one last quality day with my pet on a Saturday and then go to an emergency clinic on a Sunday, I would have done that too. It makes perfect sense when I look at it from that point of view. Maybe I am punishing myself for nothing after all. I am going to try to keep thinking this way.

Thank you,

Susan