hello everyone, i'm new here. i'm not sure how this works but i just need some way to vent and this looks like a good place. last night was the worst night of my life. i had to have my cat put to sleep and i'm having a very difficult time now. i'm 24 years old and have had my cat, kitty, since i was 10. i don't hardly have a memory without her. she was a hadicapped cat with a crippled right front paw, she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease on christmas eve. she deteriorated so quickly. she weighed 12 pounds when she was healthy, she dwindled to 4 pounds and couldn't even walk this week. i made the decision on wednesday to have her put to sleep at the end of the week. thursday was hard to get through and i started to reconsider my decision. i took her to the vet thursday night to make sure that there was absolutely nothing else that i could do to make her better - they confirmed my worst fear. i took the day off work yesterday to be with her. she had no energy at all. i have come to realize that i have made the best decision by putting her to rest, now i'm having a really hard time knowing that the things that i have come to expect, like kitty not letting me sleep in on saturday mornings because she wants to play, won't come any longer. i woke up this morning looking for her. she would always sleep laying on my legs. there is a huge void in my life now. kitty has seen me through so much. she was there when i graduated high school and college, she came with me when i moved away from my mom and the 2 other times that i moved. this is so hard and i don't see it getting any better. fortunately, i have never lost someone close to me, so this is my first experience with that and it hurts so much. thanks so much for listening. ah

Hi Amber,
So very sorry to hear about your loss of your beloved Kitty. She sounds like a real lovely friend & the 2 of you obviously shared many beautiful times together. It's a hard decision to make - to decide to put our loved ones to sleep, but it is the kindest decision when they are so ill. I had to make that decision a week ago as my cat Winston was very ill with aids, & was deteriorating quickly. I was heartbroken, as I'm sure you are, & I know how painful it is, dealing with the fact that she's no longer there. It sounds like the pair of you pretty much grew up togther - my heart really goes out to you. Let the tears out - it's all part of the healing process. God knows how many times this past week I've just sat & cried my eyes out. And you have come to a good place to find help & support from people who know exactly - exactly - what you are going through. You were both lucky to have found eachother, & I'm sure Kitty knew just how much you loved her; you gave her a great life & lots of love. Poor little girl, with her handicapped paw. She's in a good place now. Do you have any photos of Kitty you can share with us? Thinking of you very much at the moment. Big, big hugs,
Elsie

thank you so much for your post. it makes me feel better to know that there are people out there who know how i feel because some of my friends think i'm silly for being so upset over a cat. they just don't understand. i do have a few pictures of kitty. some still on my digital camera - i'm not sure how to get them on my computer but i'll have my boyfriend do that for me today. i'm sorry to hear about your cat, wittley. how long did he live with aids and how did that affect his quality of life? i'm just curious. my aunt has a cat with FIV and the vet only gave him a few months to live, that was 3 years ago, and he seems to be doing ok. it's so unfair that animals that are loved so much have to go through this. i walk around my house and just expect kitty to come limping in the room. her crippled paw did not stop her from doing anything. she wasn't aware that she was different. she was definitely unique. there will never be another like her. i would like to hear your story if you don't mind. or if you've posted it somewhere else just tell me where and i will read it. ah

Amber,

My heart goes out to you. Your kitty lived a long wonderful life with you. When their quality of life is deteriorating and their little bodies are failing the kindest act of love is to set them free. I recently lost my very special cat in Dec. I know how hard it is to deal with the sadness and loss of them. We unfortunatly out live our friends. So we strive to give them the best lives while they are with us. Kidney disease is very common in older cats, I have had 3 cats die from kidney disease. Just know that your kitty is still with you in spirit and loves you very much.

Kim

i'm sorry wittley, i called your cat wittley, his name is winston, right? i found your story and read it. you must have a huge heart to take in such a wild cat and patiently wait for him to warm up to you and basil. and it's not fair that you only got 4 years with him. i find it amazing how cats (and dogs) are so forgiving and love us so much no matter what happens. a lot of people are trying to get me to adopt another cat. my kitty just left me yesterday and i am definitely not ready for another and it makes me angry that they would even suggest trying to replace my kitty - it simply cannot be done. i do have 2 ferrets that i love to watch play - that makes me feel a little better. anyhow, thanks again for your support.

Hi Amber,
Bless you for your lovely words. Yes, it is amazing how animals are so forgiving & love us no matter what. I believe that the love between animals & humans is one of the purest loves there is. I know what you mean about some of your friends not taking poor Kitty's death that seriously, & not understanding how upset you are - I've had to deal with the very same thing - it can be so frustrating. That's why it's so nice to come to a site like this where we all understand.
I think you're right not to adopt another cat (not straight away anyway) - you need time to grieve. Each animal is just so individual & you build up such a close & special relationship with them - it makes me mad when people say "oh, just get another one".
In answer to your question about FIV - they vet told me they can live for years with the virus & never be affected at all. It's just if & when they get full-blown aids they start going downhill. I don't know what the usual time-span is, but Winston was fine until about 3 months ago, then just gradually went downhill.
Your Kitty sounds such a delight - it's great that her poor little paw didn't affect her too much. She certainly does sound very special. And it's nice that you have a couple of ferrets that give you some comfort. Cry as much as you need to - you've lost a very special friend, & it will be hard to get over little Kitty. Come back to the site whenever you need to get things of your chest, or want a sympathetic ear. Thinking of you..
Much love,
Elsie

i heard somewhere (i'm not sure where), that it helps if you write down all of the things that you want to remember about your lost pet. so i tried it today. i got a journal and started writing everything that i could think of. it was so great because it actually made me laugh to think of some of the funny things that kitty would do - like steal our seats whenever we got up. it really helped me to realize how great of a life that she had. we made each others' lives so much better than they would have been without the other.
a quick question for you. i heard that cats contract FIV if a cat with FIV hisses in their face. have you had basil checked to be sure that she didn't get the virus from winston? ah

hi
think always the good memorys u have and ur cat live a very long life she was in good hand and loved u
i dont know if it gets better
Dee's Mommy
Avril

i need more venting so here it goes. kitty was so special to me. i live in kentucky and on the memorial day weekend of 1991 (which was also the weekend of my 10th birthday) my family went to tennessee to visit my aunt and cousins. one of their many cats had had a litter of kittens, one with a right front paw that was turned in. we knew that she wouldn't last very long wandering the woods as all of their cats did so i conviced my mom to let her come home with us. mom really wasn't happy about having a cat and didn't want to put up the money for veterinarian visits and necessary procedures (spaying, declawing, deworming, etc.). when i was 15 years old i got my first job and immediately took my 5 year old kitty to the vet for everything that she needed. as i became a teenager i was away from home a lot, but kitty never seemed to be mad. when i was 19 i got an apartment with my boyfriend and she came with us. we lived there a year then moved into a house that we rented then i bought a condo. kitty hated moving and i felt bad for making her go through it so many times. around christmas this past year (2004) i noticed that kitty wasn't eating as much as she usually did. we made a trip to the vet where we discovered that kitty had kidney disease and a mass growing around her heart. she had lost half of her weight, which was hard to see because she was so fluffy. i was scared but kitty seemed to be doing fine, except for her lack of appetite. the vet put her on a kidney diet and she began to eat again. a few weeks ago she seemed to be losing more weight and was vomitting, so i took her back to the vet. they gave us all kinds of medicine to give her. she started to lose more weight, noticably this time, and she refused to eat. took her to the vet again and they gave us more medicine and i was to give her subcutaneous fluids at home every other day to hydrate her. she seemed to feel better but still wouldn't eat and would only drink water from the bathroom faucet. i began to feed her through a syringe. she became so weak that it became difficult for her to walk. she was peeing everywhere but her litter box. the last day that she was with me she couldn't walk at all and wouldn't even hold her head up. it was so hard to see her like that. i knew it was time. i stayed in the room when the vet administered the shot. i'm glad that she saw my face and heard my voice right before she went. i buried her with a picture of me so that i could always be with her. she is missed greatly. i love her so much. ah

Hang in there Amber, time will make it not so sharp, my cat summer,,she came to my window the first day of summer in 1986, she was with me until 2001, I could not remember a time with out her. I can tell you that you will miss them forever, but they wil always be part of you, in more ways then you could know. And the pain does dull, it takes each one of us our own special time frame. I'm so sorry you lost your baby, but I am glad you got to have her for so many years. Pamela

thanks pamela. this is such a great place to go for support. you guys really are the best.

Dear Amber,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Kitty. It is so hard to lose a good friend. She sounds like she was really special. Bless you for taking her. My cat, Kiddo, died 11 years ago and i still miss her. To this day my husband and I have never gotten another cat - she was that special.

Writing down good things is a great idea. I lost my dog, Sasha, a week ago to cancer and I am going to try that. I know you have many good memories of Kitty and these will live on with you forever. And you know how much she loved you. Just think, some people never have that kind of a connection with a furbaby. I know it makes it so hard for us when we lose them, but at least we got to have that wonderful relationship with them for a while.

Nancy (Sasha's Mom)

Hi Amber,
Unfortunately I am very familiar with chronic renal failure as my 15 year old Pootiehead had it too. Like you, we treated him with Sub-q fluids at home, every possible medication. We were able to keep him "comfortable" for 6 months but his appetite was always a problem, I watched him go from a big old boy of eighteen pounds down to 7 lbs. when we knew we had to help him cross over. Its just not fair!
Although time has made it little better for me, I still have bad days, I think its going to take a lot of time to come to terms with this. Keep reading these boards, you are not alone in the way you feel. When you love your furbaby as much as we do, you can't get over it as quickly as some of our friends and family expect us too, they just don't understand. I've just quit trying to make them understand and come here instead, when there are people like me. My mother actually asked me how long it was going to take for me to get over this! (like she was mad at me for being depressed over "only a cat" well he was more than a cat to me) she is totally without a clue and not very sympathetic, so I've quit trying to explain my feelings to her. I don't know how long its going to take, I loved him for 15 years, he was a constant in my life that I could always depend on to make me feel better, he never asked for anything but love. You made the right decision to help her pass over, one of the things I've read here that has stuck with me and really helped is that helping our furbabies to pass over is the greatest gift we can give them; to end their suffering here and send them on to Rainbow Bridge, or Heaven, where they are restored to full health and play and romp with each other, while they wait to see us again. Oh how I look forward to that day.
Take care, cry, rant, wail and scream to get your sorrow out, we all do it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Beth

Hi Amber, I am so sorry for your loss of Kitty. Do not say sorry for venting, we all need to sometimes. Try to remember all the good times you had, and if you need a sholder to cry on we are all here for you.
Kelly

Amber- I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Kitty. I could tell that she was very dear to your heart. I lost my baby Lucy, last Friday to lymphoma (cancer). She was pretty young (5 years) so I have a lot of anger about that. She also lost a bunch of weight and would only drink out of the bathtub faucet. I miss her so much it hurts. It sounds like you gave kitty such a wonderful life. I always think it takes someone very special to adopt a pet who might have special needs (her inward turning paw). It must have been fate that brought you together. Just know there are people here to listen anytime. I know it helps me tremendously to go through this with other people who feel the same way about their beloved pets. I hope time will ease the pain. You will always have your memories with kitty and nobody can take those away from you...

Caroline

Hi Amber,
It is so heartbreaking isn't it, to watch the one you love become ill? Especially when they can't talk to you & tell you how they are feeling. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could for poor Kitty, & she was very lucky to have found such a caring person as you. I think that's really lovely that you buried her with a photo of you.
In answer to your question, yes there is a possibility that Basil may have contracted the FIV virus, so I'm getting him checked out in a few days. The vet reassured me that even if he has caught it, he might still live a perfectly normal life & it might never turn into full-blown aids. So fingers crossed.
Hang on in there Amber. I'm glad that you found this site because it is such a help to communicate with people that understand. Like Caroline says, you have some beautiful memories of Kitty & no-one can take those away.
Big hugs,
Elsie

thanks everyone, and i'm sorry for all of your losses as well. kitty was special and i'm so glad that i found a place where everyone realizes that she was not "just a cat." it makes me so angry when someone says that. however, i do have a wonderful family that understands - they loved kitty too. my boyfriend has been great. sometimes i just cry uncontrollably out of the blue and he will just hold me and tell me how much kitty loved me and then he will say "do you remember when kitty...." and i know that he understands too. i haven't gone out of the house since i came home from burying her. i don't have an appetite but when i do eat i feel very sick to my stomach, and for some reason my back hurts very bad. i fear that i am becoming depressed. i do not have the desire to do anything. i just want to sit in bed and cry all day by myself. i have filled 12 pages so far in my journal of things that i want to remember about kitty. that helps a little - at least it makes me smile. i woke up this morning and swore i heard her limping around the house. i still look for her and do things that i always did for her, like leave the bathroom door cracked when i take a shower so she can come in and sit on top of the toilet. it's so hard. if she was here right now she would be laying in the floor watching me like she always did. i miss her so much. ah

Dear Amber,

I'm so sorry for you loss of Kitty. It sounds like she was a wonderful companion to you as you grew up. I was given a kitty on my 18th birthday and I had her with me for 16 years. She and I experienced college together, my first job, my first major relationships. When I had her put down 10 years ago, I remember feeling like I'd lost not only a part of myself, but also my life mentor. I totally understand that the great loss your feeling.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

thank you kathleen. it hurts so much when they have seen you through so much in your life. i find myself feeling guilty for the times i was never at home with kitty in my teenage years. i was too interested in partying, but she never seemed mad. when i was home she was just so happy to see me. the things we wish we could change when it is all over. i'm sorry kitty. ah

Hello,

I really do share your grief as something more than two weeks we too had to come to this cruel decision. It is most depressing to live with it, and having our house and garden around so empty now...
I came here in 1997 after our almost 20-year old Peterle had to be put to "sleep". Now Murli ! And because of so much snow around and the deeply frozen ground we couldn't even bury her, so there's nothing than all the furniture (armchairs etc.), the scratched french windows and - soon again - the garden in springtime to remind us of her. Alas, there maybe isn't even a picture (because our time shared was short and I didn't want to think of an end, then).

I was moved by Jim's really heartfelt contribution - and glad to finding also male mourners here. He's expressed a lot that I deeply can share (and already tried to write down in 1997 on my site). My way of getting along with this really pervasive grief was to write about the loss on my website and trying to call back and retain my memory of him/her, so having a "place to go".

As for our Murli, it was she to tattoo me (at my calf) so I have an everlasting keep-sake of her.

Yes, the pain will be soothed as time goes by - although I still feel some remote pains from more than ten years ago :+)

http://www.fa-kuan.muc.de/PETERLE.RXML
http://www.fa-kuan.muc.de/MURLI.RXML

Best regards to you

AWT

well, here i sit alone at my computer. i found that when my boyfriend is home i do much better. i keep myself occupied and i don't cry as much. when he leaves i am completely ALONE. i've never been alone because kitty has always been here with me. now she's not here, what do i do? the pain is unbearable. there is nothing that i want to do. don't want to watch tv, don't want to sleep, don't want to read. just want to sit and cry. it hurts so much. why did this have to happen to me and my kitty? we never did anything but love each other. what did we do to deserve this? can i return to work tomorrow? i don't know. i'm not sure i can handle it. oh god, please help me, i'm not sure i can take this much longer.

Dear Amber,
Those first days without or beloved pets are some of the hardest.
After 6 weeks I still hate being in the house alone. My little boy was my best pal.
Sounds as if you and Kitty grew up together. How painful to lose your chilhood pal.
I am glad you found LS. It is a unique family bound together by the losses we've experienced and the
love and support we offer one another.
It does get easier, I promise. Though I have some very hard days, they are gettting fewer.
I do not miss or love my little man less, I think we just grow accustomed to their absence.
It will get easier for you too.
Hugs,
Fran

Dear Amber,
You were a wonderful mama to your sweet Kitty from the time you were a little girl until the time she left this world. Don't let anyone tell you she was just a cat, she was your baby. The love you shared together was wonderful I can hear it in every word. Just let those tears come and hold on to the wonderful memories that you and she made over the years. The pain will ease up after a while to where you will be able to bear it but your love will remain strong forever. Be careful with your health, I didn't eat much because I felt sick when I did, I didn't sleep but a few hours a night, I got depressed and let my body get run down until infection about did me in before I went to the doctor. So please be very careful. I am so sorry for your loss.
Ann

Hi Amber,
I really feel for you. My boyfriend lives 2hrs drive away, and I was so glad that he was here last weekend when poor Winston passed on. But when he left on Sunday evening, I couldn't function - like you, I didn't want to sleep, or watch tv, or anything. I just cried. And then discovered this site, & wrote & wrote, until 2.30 in the morning. I just felt..empty. It took me a week to attempt even the slightest bit of housework. And I'm sure every single one of us on this site has exeperienced that same desolation. I'm just saying you're not alone, & you have friends here that are here for you. You did everything you possibly could for Kitty. And in the end you gave her the last, ultimate gift - you freed her from pain & gave her a dignified death, in the company of the person she loved & who loved her. It was her time. There was nothing more you could have done. And I know it's painful, & you miss her so much it hurts. But It was just her time.

For those whose life has never known a pet
Soft paws that curl around the lonesome heart
That never hear the throbbing of a purr
Or feel a canine paw upon the knee
Such hard of heart can never understand
The tearing grief when these dear ones are gone
Struck down by illness, accident or age
It matters not. Our sleep is fraught with dreams
We think we hear them speak or move about
Yet waken with despair, a sense of loss
So devastating that we scarce can cope
With emptiness that seems to have no end
Soft, silken cords of love are tattered, torn
Bereft, we mourn the loss of a loved friend.

(by Winona B. Richardson, Founder NH Animal Rights League, Inc.)

And here's one that Avril, Dee's mommy, left for me on one of my posts, and I think it's so beautiful:

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me in tears.
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess,
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love each of you has shown.
But now it's time I travelled on alone.
So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for awhile that we must part
So keep the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away, for life goes on.
So if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All of my love around soft and clear.
And when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile, and say,
"Welcome Home"

Thinking of you..
Hugs,
Elsie

thanks elsie, ann, and fran. it really does help to read others' stories and write. this is a really unique place and i'm glad that i've found it. i guess i, too, am a passenger on this emotional rollercoaster that so many of you have wrote about. one minute i'm ok then i just break down. she is everywhere. her litter box is still there, all of her medicine is still on the counter, her food and water bowls are there. i can't bear to get rid of any of it or even move it. it's like i keep thinking that some miracle is going to take place and she will be limping back into my life. if only that were possible - i would give anything. i feel so lonely, even though i know i'm not alone. a piece of me has died with my kitty. thanks again guys. ah

hello everyone, i finally got a picture my kitty up. isn't she beautiful? work wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i kept myself busy but still glanced at the picture of kitty on my desk often. it sounds silly but i was mad at people at work over her. everyone knew that i was taking kitty to the vet friday because i was hysterical at work and left a few hours after i got there that morning. so today nobody even asked about her and it made me angry. i felt like screaming "don't you people care that my sweet kitty is gone! what's wrong with you!" i know it probably sounds crazy that i expect others, who didn't even know her, to care. it just crushed me that they didn't. i don't think i could have talked about her without breaking down if they had asked - but it hurt my feelings when they didn't. maybe i am a little looney - i don't care. i love her so much.

Amber,

I totally know how you feel. I lost my Regis 2/11 also, after 14 years, but I did not have the strength to go to work today. I sent an email to my boss on 2/11 telling him I was not coming in because my boy had passed and I still have not received any kind of reply and that make me angry. I think part of it is some people just don't get it, and I think others are afraid to even mention it because they don't know how to deal with those of us who "get it". Take heart in knowing there are plenty of us who DO get it, and there will be someone who will ask at some point. And break down if you must. God knows *I* will when I have the guts to go back to work... which will probably be tomorrow. But I hope to hide in my office all day. The pics all over will most likely make me cry but I will NOT remove them.
Thoughts are with you....

Lisa (RegisMom)

Hi Amber,
Kitty is beautiful!! I am so glad that you were able to show us her picture.
Just wanted to let you know that I haven't been able to get rid of Indy's big pillow and blankets yet either.
I moved them into a spare room so I didn't have to look at them next to my bed. It breaks my heart to know I'll never see him there, all curled up looking so comfy and cozy. Everything in due time. At some point I will take this next step and you will take yours. Please just know you are not alone in your pain and sorrow.
Love, Fran

Hi Amber,
Just wanted to tell you your sweet Kitty is and was indeed very beautiful. I am sorry the people at work hurt your feelings by not asking about your baby. Maybe a few of them cared but was afraid to ask about her and thought it might upset you more.

People wouldn't talk about my mom when I lost her and it hurt me real bad. Mom had many many friends and when I would see them they wouldn't speak a word about my mom. It was like she never existed in their minds and when I asked them about it they said they didn't want to remind me or make me think of it. Yeah right as though my mom wasn't on my mind day and night anyway. So some people might feel as though if nothing is said everything will be alright. Or maybe they don't know what to say so they say nothing at all.

Our society doesn't seem to know how to deal with death unless they have been there. Those who haven't seem to feel that when you lose a loved one everyone should be doing fine in a few weeks times and that is for a human. With animals most don't say anything at all unless they loved theirs furbaby like their child.

It's to bad that they don't have classes that teach people how to deal with and talk about death whether it is their own or the death of someone else. After all death is a part of life that will touch everyone at some point in life.
Ann

i think you're right ann. this has been a rough six months for me. i have lost my grandmother, my aunt, my kitty, my boyfriend was hospitalized because they believed he had a heart attack (he's only 23! and he didn't have a heart attack), and another of my aunts was hospitalized because she did have a heart attack. it may sound cold but i really wasn't that close to my grandmother or my aunt that passed, so it didn't affect me as much as it did when kitty left me. she was really the first "person" (for lack of a better word) that i lost that really hurt me. i can't imagine what it is like to lose your mother, i'm so sorry. it's just that we care for our pets (and our mothers) so much, no one really understands how much our lives revolve around them and we care so much that we believe others should too (i guess).

Our special friends are like children to us. We love, nurture, and care for them all their lives. It is very heartbreaking when they pass on. They are so special and have pure love in their hearts for us. The love that is shared is unconditional. It is just like losing your own child when they pass on. Unfortunatly they don't have the life span that we do. I have come to the realization that when they do pass on, I can celebrate in the fact that I gave them the best life I had to offer, and loved them with all my heart and soul. I know that when it is time for me to pass on I will meet my cherished friends on the other side.

Kim

Hi Amber,
I expected the same reaction as you ended up getting, from work colleagues, so just decided not to tell them, apart from one friend who was brilliant. But generally the attitude people have to things like this just makes me mad too. I remember the general manager in a place I used to work at, just didn't "get" pets & he said he saw cats as being similar to plants but that they moved & were more furry - as you can imagine I was livid!!! Some people are so ignorant. Luckily my desk (in my current job) is in a fairly private area so last week when the pain was still very new & I was crying alot, nobody noticed (I didn't want them to).
Last week when my boyfriend & I spoke on the phone every day, I noticed he never brought up the subject of Winston (until I would), but just seemed very jolly & would talk about trivial things. I wasn't going to mention it to him, as he has been supportive generally when I've been upset, but at the weekend I just had to mention it - by behaving like that he'd made me feel like he was trivialising Winston's death, & was acting as if Winston had never existed. He said he was sad about Winston passing on, but that he'd been trying to cheer me up by being jolly & not talking about it. I feel bad now as I know he was doing his best, & although he likes animals he doesn't really feel that intense love for them like people like us do; and Winston wasn't his cat so I guess he couldn't really empathise with my pain.
Like Ann says, I guess alot of people don't really know how to deal with & talk about death.
And like you said, Amber, "no one really understands how much our lives revolve around them and we care so much that we believe others should too" (I don't know how to do that quote thing in the white boxes!). I felt exactly the same.
By the way, the picture of Kitty is gorgeous!!!
Elsie

I am sorry for your loss. Kidney failure hits so quickly. I made the same tough decision as you did with Oswald because of the kidney failure. Like your precious Kitty, he lost a lot of weight very quickly. When he quit eating, I knew he was dying. To spare him from that lingering death, I chose to help him to the bridge. Just as you did. You promised Kitty a good life and a good death. You kept your end of the bargain.

You were both blessed to have each other. And I know that you wouldn't trade this pain for a life without Kitty's love. Grief is the pricetag for loving. She knew she was loved. That is all that matters.

dee dee

i just received a sympathy card from kitty's doctors, they are such good vets but i found myself mad at them when they could do nothing more for kitty. i know that they aren't miracle workers - i guess i just needed someone to direct my anger toward. of course i am no longer angry with them. i know that kitty's time had come and they just helped her pass on to rainbow bridge and i am grateful for that. things are getting better i suppose. my house is an absolute mess. kitty was afraid of the vacuum cleaner so i didn't vacuum for weeks when she was sick. now i'm just too sad to do anything - i try to stay away from home when i know that i will be alone there. i haven't cooked in like a month or even gone to the grocery. i've neglected my boyfriend, poor guy. he's been so supportive. my mother and stepfather's anniversary was yesterday but i had spent every last dime i had at the vet so i couldn't even get them anything - and my boyfriend received nothing for valentine's day. such a sad time.

AH,
I am so sorry. Even though you had your for such a long time and I had Mister for such a short time at 33 years old I have been so lucky not to have experienced loss of any kind in my life. this is my first as well, and god does it hurt. I look for Mister around every corner. He had a tail that stuck straight up so I could see him coming. He would come to a whistle and meow at me all the time. I can't imagine having him for 10+ years and having to put him down. I am so sorry that you had to do this.
This loss has really tested my faith in a lot of things. I am very thankful that I had him in my life and am trying to remember all of the good times that we had. It has to have meaning for people like us. I have to turn this into something good, he would want that. Also, Amber would want you to be happy and laughing and smiling, not sad. All we can do is take it day byu day, minute by minute and try to be happy. I am so sorry for your loss.
Jason