Hi all,
Last night I found this site, kind of out of desperation, as I was home alone and feeling so lonely without my boy Clay by my side. I am so glad I found this site. This morning I was so pleased and touched to find responses from kind caring folks, that hurt like I do, and understand and care. Thank you SO much for taking the time to write. Your hugs and understanding, your words, all mean so much. I do want to share more about Clay. I dont feel I did him justice in my first posting. And maybe it will be therapeutic for me too. I also want to respond to some things written.
Yes, it was extremely hard to find him dead in the woods. But it does offer some closure for us. We believe he was killed in the morning of Feb 1 and my husband didnt find him till 24 hrs after it happened. That first day, we found a bad sign but not him, and then kept hunting for him in deep snow and woods, until we gave up and went back to the house. Neither one of us slept much that night. We kept the light on, and the garage open. Every time we heard a sound, or even if we didnt, we would go to the sliding glass door where Clay always would come in through, where he would scratch the glass with his feet, to get our attention, to see if he might be there. Even though there was evidence to think he wasnt coming back, we still had a shadow of a doubt that just maybe he was wounded some place and was trying to make his way home to us. When he was found, we no longer needed to wonder if he was hurt and needed us. It was final, and we knew he wasnt coming back and to not watch at the door for him (although out of habit I still find myself looking out for him to appear.) And we also had him so we could bring him home and bury him in the garden where he loved to play. My husband found him while I wasnt home. I know it was hard on him too, cause he was very attatched and had become so in the last month. He has lost his job before xmas and had started school work in January and was home at the dining room table studying alot. Clay was a lot of company to him. I had just started a new full time job in January, and I know Clay was missing me and I was missing him. I know that Clay was loved very much and had a good life. He did get lots of attention, but I always feel like I couldve given him more. I guess we always want more... another day with our baby, another chance to be more attentive. I guess its part of the process. I should know this process by heart. I lost my beloved Raphael, an all black cat who was 19 yrs old in July '02 and Skiddy,a Balinese I think, ivory with gray points, to cancer at 11 yrs old in March 03. It took me awhile to get over these losses, and I thought when we got our 2 young ones in 2002 and 2003, that we wouldnt have to go through this heartache for a long time to come. Clay's death would in itself be extremely painful, but he was 1/4 of my family, and it makes the void even bigger. My parents are both deceased, I lost my only brother to cancer in '03, and my one sister lives 3000 miles away. I never had children. My children are my cats. My family consisted of me, my husband and Sophie and Clay. And with all the losses Ive had in the past yr or so, I always could count on Clay to be there for me, near me, doing some crazy antics to cause me to laugh out loud. He was such a delight.
Everywhere in this house, are memories of Clay. Yesterday I was cleaning the bathroom and found one of his furry toy mice in behind the basket of magazines. I remember how he would always come in and jump up on the sink and want me to plug up the sink and run some fresh water into the bowl so he could drink, even though he had a water dish in the kitchen. This morning when I awoke, out of habit, I looked by the bed where Clay would wait for me to get up and give him breakfast, and felt a wave of lonliness. This morning when I came to the room where the computer is, there is a file cabinet in a corner, and a couple wks ago Clay (nosy or clumsy, I dont know which) got down behind the cabinet and couldnt get out on his own, and we had to help him out. I look at the table where Ive been working on a jigsaw puzzle for wks, and how I used to get irritated by pieces being messed up or on the floor because of Clay. I looked at it this morning and it was perfectly how I left it, and all I could do was cry, because how I would love to have that little guy messing it up again.
The sun is shining today and its warmer, and it wouldve been the perfect day for me to take both cats for a walk down our quiet road. How they would race and run, and ambush each other, and make me laugh. How they loved it when I went walking with them. How Clay wouldve loved this day. He was just so full of life. It seems so pointless that his life was taken. This world was a better place with him in it. He brought so much joy to it.
It also makes me sad to see Sophie, my other cat. She is lost and doesnt understand. She doesnt know where Clay is, and I cry when I see her sitting, looking out the window. We are trying hard to give her extra attention right now but its not the same. They were such a good pair. In time, we will get her a new playmate but right now its just too soon.
I am trying to be thankful for what I do have, instead of what I dont have, but its difficult cause the one thing I want the most, I cant have. But I am thankful for the good friends I have, the yr and a half I had Clay in my life, and the people and support here in this forum. Again, I thank you.
Susie, Clay's Mom