Today has been such a hard day for me and I have been crying quite a bit. I went several places today where Snookie always went with me and I don't think I have ever felt so alone in all my life. I haven't tried to stop the tears I just let them flow. I wrote another poem for my little girl to let her know I am always thinking of her and how much her love meant to me. Today seems as hard as it did the first couple of weeks she died.

I have been blaming myself and wondering if the rice and noodles and other things I gave her to eat caused her diabetes and maybe it was really my fault that my precious baby died when her pancreas shut down. When I found out she had diabetes on top of cushings disease and cancer I cut way down on the foods high in sugar. I would never had done anything not anything that I thought would harm my Snookie Cookie but maybe in my ignorance maybe I caused the diabetes.

The vet did say cushings could cause them to be more susceptible to diabetes. I told the vet I had given her a lot of those foods because she loved them so much but he did not say it did or didn't cause her to have diabetes and I was to afraid to ask for fear it was I who caused my precious baby to die. The very thought is so hard for me to live with and right now I hate myself.

I just keep thinking worrying and wondering if maybe my Snookie would still be here if not for me. Perhaps what I thought was an act of love giving her these foods caused her to die. If so I am guilty of murder and my life is useless and nothing would matter in my life any longer.
Ann

A Different Life
My darling Snookie it broke my heart when you had to leave
Now I live a different life one while I long for you and grieve.
My tears blind my eyes because I did not want you to die
and my heart is in such pain from having to say good-bye.

I hold your loving memories so close within my broken heart
but some day My Love I will join you and never have to depart.
Snookie you wait for your mama to make Heaven her home
for on streets of purest gold together you and I will forever roam.

When I get to Heaven yours is the first face I want to see
for you are the most precious girl in this whole world to me.
I will see your face hear that bark I so dearly want to hear
and Snookie I will take you in my arms and hold you so near.
Written by Ann Howard January 31, 2005

Snookie Lynn Howard
2-04-94 - 12- 26- 04

Dear Ann,

I'm all too familiar with the guilt road your traveling on right now. It's so easy to start with the "what ifs" and "I should'ves" and "I could'ves." I go through cycles with those things...when I'm in a guilt cycle I'll start questioning whether or not the diet I fed Shiloh could've caused her cancer. Then I start kicking myself because I didn't spend each and every waking minute with her. Then I start with a long list of regrets. The fact of the matter is, if someone had said to me "Kathleen, if you feed Shiloh this, she's going to get cancer and die." I would've stopped immediately. The other fact is, Shiloh may have developed cancer regardless of what I did or didn't feed her. The same is true for you, Ann. You would never have purposely hurt Snookie. You are guilty of nothing but loving Snookie with all your heart.

Be gentle with yourself, Ann. Grieving is hard enough...try not to compound it with guilt.

You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Kathleen

Hi Ann,

I am so sorry to hear that you had a rough day Your poem was beautiful, that must've took alot to write that! It was so touching!

I Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and you're in my prayers.

Don't blame yourself, you loved your baby and Snookie knows that! Be gentle on yourself *hugs*

Jayne,
Puddin's Mum.

Ann-
You did NOTHING that harmed little Snookie.
Indy also had diabetes and Cushing's disease. I read tons of material on these illnesses in animals. The Cushing's often leads to diabetes....it has nothing to do with the foods we gave our babies.
Sadly, there are a number of terrier breeds that are prones to these disorders.

Ann, please don't blame yourself. I know some days are hard...I have them too.
Knowing how much you loved Snookie and the wonderful life and care you gave to her will hopefully bring you some comfort.

Love, Fran

Don't beat yourself up

I often wondered if my smoking caused my Nothing's cancer. I really ran myself through the ringer.
Then I did research and found that mammary cancer is simply more likely in female cats over age 10.
YOU know you never would have knowingly hurt your snookie. I caught myself several times today feeling horrible guilt over Nothing.
'could I have done more' 'could i have caused it' 'why didn't I take out a loan and try that chemotherapy'.

None of us can change the ultimate truth. Our babies are gone from us for now. I cry and blame myself for things even though I know Nothing HATED me to cry. It drove her nuts, she'd be on my lap in a heartbeat nuzzling me and licking me with her scratchy little tongue.
I know she wouldnt harbor any ill feelings. she was too full of love.
Don't blame yourself. I'm sure snookie didn't.

Take Care
Michelle

Thanks dear friends I have wondered if I had harmed my girl from the first day the vet said she had diabetes. I just didn't want to voice my fears that it may have been my fault from the foods I let her eat. Snookie did have regular blood tests through out the years and she never had it until the last month of her life. So all I can do is hope and pray I did not cause it to come upon her I loved her more than I loved my own life.

I have still cried a lot today, of course it didn't help that I went to the parking lot where I used to take my 3 wheel bicycle and Snookie and I would ride for hours. I had a huge basket on it and I would lay a pillow in it and that's where my little Snookie would ride, not that she was spoiled or anything. I always took a couple bottles of water for my girl and some punch for me and we also had snacks to eat.

I don't know why I went out of my to go there maybe I somehow felt I would feel closer to Snookie. I went to the park that she loved to play at too. I could still picture her in my arms in the swing and see us going down the slide as we had done so many times in the last 10 years.

If that wasn't bad enough I have been smelling her sweaters today. Snookie had a sweater for each color of coat I own. If I had on my maroon, blue, purple, green or black coat that is the color sweater I put on her. She had so many sweaters and even had some for the holidays and I am not willing to give them up yet, they still smell like her. I have a lot of leashes and collars that matched her sweaters too. I put them away after she left this world but today I brought them out to hold them and to smell them.

I wanted to say one more thing that made me laugh so hard today. One day when Snookie and I was working at a place that made roofing products the factory was shut down and it was empty. However at least 2 dozen feral cats lived there, they had taken over the building and often jumped out at us. Snookie always acted a little nervous as we made our rounds since she always worried some of them would jump out at us.

On one particular day we went to check the pressure gauges on the computers they had in a little room. The guard that was there before me left the door open although it was his job to shut the door and to leave the lights on. He had shut the lights off and It was so dark I couldn't see anything.

I shined the flash light in the room so I could turn the light switch on. Several cats came screaming and running like crazy past us. I let out a scream of my own and I don't know who ran the fastest the kitty cats, Snookie or me, it didn't take me long to catch up with Snookie!!! We then went back to check the gauges and we quickly hurried back to the office. I told Snookie we were not very brave guards that day.

Along with the tears that sweet memory brought me so much laughter and joy today. Snookie was never a dog in my mind she was my child, she meant everything in the world to me.
Love, Ann

Ann,
That's such a cute, funny story about you and Snookie and the kitties! I can just see all of you in my mind!

I am so sorry you and some of the others are going through all of that self-blame and questioning, but I certainly can relate and understand. I frequently go over Hannah's and my life together and wish I had done so many things differently. So I am still not at a point where I accept everything without regret, but I'm trying. I hope and pray we will all get there one of these days. I know the longing for the little ones. It just breaks your heart.

I'll be thinking of you and your child. I haven't been on the site again much lately, but I came on today and saw your post and really wanted to respond. I had a couple of really bad hours last night where I just held on to Hannah's little sweater (she only had two!) and cried and cried. I miss that little bitty girl so much too.
Take care.
Love,
Marcia