I woke up this morning feeling so different, it feels as though my heart has died altogether. I think I may have been feeling mad but at whom or what I do not know. I have cried very few tears today for my precious Snookie and that seems so strange in itself. I feel like someone else has taken over my heart and mind. No, I don't drink a drop of booze or any thing like that so it isn't that.

I also have said very little to anyone today human or furry. I just wanted to be left alone to stare off into space not feeling anything. I didn't even realize it until Cinny kept staring at me for a long time he is used to me talking to him all the time. Oh I petted him and told him he was a good boy and I played with Schnitzel but it felt like it was someone else doing it and my heart was not in it.

I don't know what this feeling is but I do not like it this is worse than when I cried most of the time. At least then I had some feelings but now I just don't have a clue what has changed.
Ann

Ann, I have had a day like that as well. I think it is "grief fatigue." Your whole body
and psyche is simply exhausted, and shuts down, so that you feel a sort of
nothingness.
I went through quite a bit of that whenever I was going through a very rough
time in my life about a year and a half ago.
Sadly, when the feeling "comes back" it can be in a tidal wave.
I think our emotions just simply get fatigued sometimes.

I think Hagelsmom has a good point. I to remember those feelings, it was like I had drained everything inside of me. Then it would build up then release..build up and release like a pressure cooker. I called it the zombie feeling. Every day now, you just dont know what to expect from the emotional rollercoaster until you get to a certian point where it kind of, for lack of better words ....flatlines....just one day at a time sweet lady. Pamela

Hi Ann,

I've been to that place too. After Luba died I felt like I had died too. It happened a few weeks after. I felt guilty because I was just "faking it" when I played with Falkor.

It's hard to explain how it's shifted over the months. I can only describe the feeling as: PART of me died with Luba. PART of the joy of my life has dimmed forever. On the other hand, I am able to experience joy again, and certainly I'm 100% having a blast with Falkor again.

I think that all you can do is go easy on yourself.

Dear Ann:

hegelsmom has a wonderful point ---- "grief fatigue"....

I remember that cloudy, spacey feeling a few weeks after we put Ernestine to sleep.....

Please know Ann, that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily......
You are a WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING, and you have helped soooooooo many people here at LS....
(Just like I'm sure you have in your life at home....)

Be kind and gentle with yourself, and find comfort in the loving arms of Clair.

Snookie will always and forever live on in your heart.....

I'll bet that Snookie hated it when you were sad, Ann.....
Snookie wants you to be okay.... She really does...

And, so do I!!!

God Bless You and Yours,

Love, Denise xoxoxo

Thanks Hegelsmom, Pamela, Steph and Denise it hasn't seemed as bad today as it was yesterday. I was so afraid that something had gone wrong and I had lost my ability to love or something. It really scared me when I felt that way. I still have wanted to be by myself today for the most part.

My son and daughter came over but I didn't say much then either. I have been so tired of putting on a fake smile while trying to act myself and I guess it did put a strain on me. I can't be morbid around the grandkids since they are all so young, my grand daughter Sara is taking it hard enough as it is. Oh well back to the fake smile tomorrow. It makes me sick!!!!!
Love, Ann

Dear Ann,

I think someone as compassionate as you could never lose their ability to love.

I know in my grieving of Shiloh I go through phases...there are times when I hurt to depth of my very being and I cry tears that I swear are coming right from my soul...I know that after one of those episodes I kind of shut down for a while. I think it's a little of self perservation...our bodies know that we just can't take anymore pain and so our feelings just turn off. You'll feel better in a day or two. As time passes the episodes don't come as frequently...but they still come. Find comfort in knowing that you're still the compassionate, loving person you've always been...your body just needs a little break from the pain.

I think of you and little Snookie Lynn often.
Love,
Kathleen

Dear Ann

I can understand just what you mean. I have days similar to what you are describing, espeically in the first month of losing Ellie. I call them my, "numb" days. A kind of complete mental and emotional numbness takes over and there are no thoughts or feelings at all and I just want to sit there thinking and feeling nothing.

I wonder if its a kind of natural protection for us ... a way of giving us a break from the overwhelming pain and grief and tears. I have to admit that in the early days I found the numb days a welcome relief.

I am sure it is a stage of the grief Ann, a small respite from the pain, and you won't be stuck like it. I'm sure your heart hasn't died, maybe it's just having a little rest for a while.

I think of your Snookie often and she will always hold a very special place in my heart. I'm so glad you finally managed to find a really special urn for her, she deserves it.

with love
jilly

Hi Ann:

Someone as compassionate and giving as you are Ann......I won't EVER BELIEVE that you have lost your ability to love!!
You are such a loving and caring woman............Even with all of the tremendous pain that you have been in, you are still on LS, and giving much love and comfort to those that are in pain..........

I do remember at the 3ish week mark, I didn't want to talk or be around anyone myself....... I just wanted to be alone-with my thoughts..........you know???



I personally don't think that you need to put on a "fake smile", Ann...........
Right now, you are feeling very, very sad........(x a million++)

I know that your son and daughter surely would understand.....
I can understand that you don't want to be (as you say), "morbid", around your grandchildren.

Sometimes children need to see that nana/grammy feels very, very sad right now, because you've lost your darling
little girl, Snookie.
Children understand loss & sadness, and sometimes it's good for them to know that IT'S OKAY, and it's very normal to cry, feel sad, after you've lost your sweet little girl.

I know that your sweet, darling Snookie has her Angel Wings by now!!

God Bless You & Clair and your family,

Love, Denise xo

p.s. I was happy to read your first sentence......that today hasn't seemed as bad as yesterday.....
"One day at a time.....

Ann- I sure think certain days are harder than others. Sometimes it just takes some minor bad news of some sort to let the grief engulf you again. It does come and go in waves, and sometimes the waves do seem as though they are hitting fast and furiously. Try and break through them as best you can. Hopefully they will become smaller and not as strong as time goes on. Thinking about you...
Caroline

All your posts mean so much to me and I can see that I am not abnormal and I find relief in knowing it is just a stage of grief that I am going through. I wish there was more information in great detail but I am so glad I have all of you letting me know it will pass. Bless all of you my dear friends.
Love, Ann

Hi Ann

Please dont call it a fake smile - try a love smile after all you love your family and the smile is for them.

My heart aches for you. It's so hard to bare the pain. I wished I could say something to help, but I know I have to learn how to deal with the pain myself, it'sonly been two weeks today. Everything you said reminded me how I have felt. I shut myself away from everyone and cried for days. But from all of you here I am getting help from all the compassion. I will keep you in my prays and thoughts. Take care Patty

Dear Ann-
Grief has so many stages and each phase brings new challenges.
Indeed there is anger and sadness. Sometimes the "numbness" is hardest. It's not really a feeling at all, just a void.
I pray this stage passes quickly for you. I know you have a devoted husband and children for support and all of the LS family but I wonder if you have considered professional assistance?
I have, and it's been a great help to me. At some point I passed the normal grief process and ended up in a truly "depressed state". It's a terrible place to be but I am receiving help and begining to feel a little stronger.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Fran