I just attended a local pet loss support meeting. It was pouring rain here tonight,
so only me, my husband and one other lady were there. It was conducted by
a therapist. She wasn't a grief counselor per se, just a general therapist.
She was nice, and an animal lover. The other griever had lost a 13 year old dog
on New Year's Day. It was very sudden; liver cancer that had not shown any
symptoms.
I don't know what I expected from the meeting.
I only know that it really didn't help for some reason. Maybe it did, and I just
need to give it time to sink in. I am only at the 3 1/2 week point, and in deep
misery. I have not been able to overcome my guilt, and what ifs, should've, could'ves.
I know I am stuck in this pit until I can let go of the guilt, but I cannot.
I feel like I betrayed the best friend that I ever had, and cut short our time
together. Hegel would have been 11 in a few days. I don't have the "comfort"
of "old age" or even a terminal illness. I must live with the fact that I overlooked
an infection somehow. And deal with the fact that I took him to the vet too late.
I look back, and feel that I should be arrested. At the time, it didn't seem that
way. I didn't see anything that unusual, or manageable, that he had many times
before. (Hegel had an auto immune disorder). I just feel like I let life, being without
water and heat for 2 weeks, and caring for a baby overwhelm me. I was
overwhelmed. But I could have asked for help. I have a next door neighbor
that would have helped me. It just wasn't in my nature to ask. And bottom line,
I swear I didn't think he was that sick.
In hindsight, I feel like a fool. No, nothing looked that unusual, but he was older.
I should have known better. I thought I could "fix" him. Keep an eye on his skin,
give him some prednisone as a last resort. He was eating and drinking, he was
just sleeping more. But he was heavy, older, and it was getting cold. I was sleeping
more when I could, when the baby napped. I had his stocking ready, and a new
red collar with a bell for Christmas pictures.
I am so so so sorry. I would do anything to have him back. If only I could tell
him how very sorry that I am. That I didn't know that he was so sick.

Dear Hegel's Mom,
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, but I do understand. I know how it is. I wish the meeting had been more help to you.

I just wanted to say again that it was not your fault. As I said before, I haven't heard one bit of neglect or seen even one tiny mistake that you made. You could not have known, and you DID DO everything that you could to say Hegel. I know you would have done anything you could have to save him.

I have been doing a lot of research, and am learning more and more, and I still feel guilt about my little Hannah. I don't know the answers for changing the way our hearts feel -- how to stop these feelings that are just there. I know we all understand that we really did love our babies and did the best we could. I know that is different though from feeling it in our hearts. I hope to come up with some answers that will help us all.

All I can say is, at least do force yourself, at least for awhile, to focus on the good things. I know there are still lots of things you will have to come to terms with, just as there are for me. We'll keep working on it, all of us together. We'll get there somehow -- get to where we have peace in our hearts.

You're in my thoughts,
Love,
Marcia

hegelsmom,

I just lost my Bubba cat Dec 22. I also had his stocking out with treats stuffed in it. Bubba liked to eat..... He was 14 1/2 and I thought he had a cold and I took him to the vet. His cold went away but he kept getting sicker. He was losing weight rapidly and he finally stopped eating. We went to the vet every other day trying to cure him. Finally he was just so sick. The vet did a last resort surgery to see if maybe there was a 1% chance to save him. He had cancer and I had to let him go. I cry and want him back so bad. I had a horrible dream this morning that I left him with two elderly ladies and they put him to sleep. I am hurting worse and worse from missing him so much. He was my baby. I felt him kicking in his mothers stomach almost 15 years ago. He was born in my home and he was with me for his whole life. I have other cats but he was my favorite cat for life. I can't even bring myself to put together a photo album for him. That dream I had was so bad it upset me all day. I understand your hurt and pain. I wish that I just could have had some more time with him.......

I remember you posting about Bubba.
It just doesn't get any easier, does it? I keep looking for him in the house, and
feeling for him in bed with my feet. I slept in the floor for the first 2 weeks because I couldn't take it. I still sleep on the couch some.
The whole thing seems so unreal to me. I think I am in the Denial, Anger, Guilt
phase all at once. I have done some crazy things. On New Year's Eve, I went out
driving looking for him, or at least a relative. I went to the neighborhood that I
lived in whenvever he "found" me. I have been so desperate. I have even considered a pet psychic.
I am having a very hard time functioning. Hegel was the best friend I ever had.
He deserved my undivided attention, but unfortunately, from Nov-Dec, he didn't
get it. I was so excited about the holidays for the first time in years. We even
put a tree up. I had not done that in 12 years. The night that we put it up,
I said to my husband, "Hegel should be in here with us, where is he?" He went
to check on him, and said he was sleeping. I said, oh don't wake him. It was
chilly, and I didn't want to disturb him. That was around Nov 30th or so. If only.
Maybe I would have noticed then, that it wasn't just sleepiness, fat, and getting
older. He ate and drank well until Dec 7th. I'm rambling again.
I just wasn't ready. None of us were ready were we?

How can life ever be the same, or even happy? I feel so sorry for my baby, with
this "shell" of a mother.

I understand what you are going thru and my heart goes out to you. Right before Bubba got sick I was looking at him thinking he is a healthy cat for being 14 1/2 he should be around for several more years. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere he got sick. I just can't believe he is gone. I cried at the dinner table tonight because of the awful dream I had. I feel like I abandoned him at the vet. I know in my heart that he was very sick, but my mind is giving me all these guilt feelings. All I know is that I really miss him. He used to wait for me to go to bed and sleep with me all night for 14 years. Then one day I noticed that he wasn't doing that anymore, and my 2 female cats were always with him. He didn't want to sleep with me anymore. Then i noticed he was hanging over the water bowl. That was my first clue that something was really wrong. Then the trips to the vet, The blood tests, the antibiotics, and yet nothing was working. Then I think was he mad at me for all this? Did he think that when I took him to the vet we were trying to harm him? He kept getting sicker... Yes I am feeling horrible guilt. I found myself surfing the web at night reading about animal pyshics and what they had to say about our pets when they die. I also thought about a pet psychic. Now Bubbas mom who is 16 is starting to show signs of old age and compromised health. She is very special to me too. I can't take another one dying on me right now. I have lost two cats this year.

OOooh how i know how you feel, and you are quite right in that it is early days.

It took me something like 6 months and the only way i could come to a truce was to forgive myself.

In the meantime be kind to yourself, remember your baby is learning from you and one day will grow up to be only human just like mummy.

You / we did what we thought was best and that is the best that we can do.

Love and hugs
Sue

Hegel's mom- do not be so hard on yourself. You have suffered a terrible loss. It is all the harder when you have a baby who needs your constant care and attention. Our Lucy started eating less and less after Thanksgiving. I knew this, yet working, caring for my toddler and baby, the holidays, and life in general kept me from thinking about it too much and taking her to the vet. My husband finally took her the week before Chrismas and the vet told us that she was a very sick dog. We just did not really see any other signs other than decreased appetite. 3 weeks later, tons of blood tests and a biopsy that she had on 1/3/05 revealed the truth...lymphoma. We are now just waiting, knowing that we do not have much time left with our girl.

I spent the first week walking around in a daze. I also know the feelings of guilt and feeling like a shell of a mother. It doesn't hurt as much this week as last, or it hurts in a different way. I think I have fooled myself into believing that Lucy is not really dying because the predinsone has given her energy and an appetite during her last days. It will hit me again like a ton of bricks I am sure. I think my kids will be resilient enough to "get through" it with me. I am accepting that they don't need to be well dressed, clean all the time, that I can't keep the house tidy, etc. during this time. I would rather spend that time with Lucy. Life happenns, and the kids will get through it. It sounds like Hegel slept a lot and was surrounded by the hustle and bustle of a loving family in his final days. That alone probably made him very comforted and happy. I will be posting again soon I am sure as Lucy continues to deteriorate. Just know that any person who has so much love in their heart for a pet cannot be anything but a wonderful mother. I am hoping that your guilt is subsiding but I understand if it doesn't. Hang in there...
Caroline