I am having a really hard time today. Missing my baby severely, playing the "what if"
should've/could've games. I am feeling so lonely, guilty, angry and afraid. I talked
to my mother by phone last night. She completely understands my grief, but made
me feel very guilty for my son. I am not the loving mom to him that I was a month
ago. The joy of living is gone from me.
I feel so stupid. I knew my baby cat had an auto-immune disorder. I should have
been more vigilant inspecting him for any abrasions or infections. He inflicted quite
a bit of damage on himself by itching. There was one sore on his neck that is
haunting me. I do not know if that was the entry for the bacteria that killed him
or not, and neither does my vet or the hospital. All roads of blame come back
to me.

Many of you have told me to stop blaming myself. I appreciate your kind words.
I know that many people out there did not notice that their beloved pets, or
even sometimes their parents or children were as sick as they were until it was
too late. I know that guilt is common in those of us left behind. But my sorrow
is unbearable. I whispered in my cat's ear thousands of times over the years, "Mommy promises I'll always take care of you." And what did I do? Delayed
going to the vet. How could I have done such a thing?

I was so exhausted and stressed here by myself so much with my infant son. I look
back now and see that there were those I could have asked for help. I didn't.
It isn't in my nature. But I honestly thought Hegel was fine. I just thought he
had scratched himself up, like so many times over the years. What was I thinking?
Yes there were times, I took him to get antibiotics, but generally it cleared up
on its own. I would trim his claws, and occasionally give a few days prednisone.

I feel like I betrayed my best friend. He was my one constant the past 11 years.
He loved and trusted me unconditionally. How many people can express their
cat's &%^ glands? (his occassionally got clogged)

I look back now, &%^yzing every minute of the past since Thanksgiving, and I remember little subtle signs, like when he jumped in the refrigerator. He had not
done that in years. Was he burning with fever?

I have never been filled with such self loathing.
January 13th, there is a pet loss group meeting in my city. I am going of course.

And then there is the stray kitten in my bathroom. (with food water, litter box,
toys, and a bed). He has been there since Sunday. I go in and play with him,
then cry my eyes out. I got him because I wanted to atone for my "sin". (I'm not
even Catholic). But I feel ashamed, and wonder if I should give him to a nice
no-kill shelter?

I have a very strange story about the kitten. Hegel had not been in that bathroom
for some time, (it is a "guest bathroom"). He was in there briefly the last morning
of his life. When my husband and I returned home from the store yesterday, we
both went in there to check on the kitten. I saw something moving on the vanity
cabinet door. It startled me, I thought it was a spider, and I am horribley afraid
of them. I bent down and it was a sizeable tuft of grey fur! My baby! The kitten
is orange. I broke down sobbing. Where did the fur come from! did my baby
visit and find another kitten already? Hegel loved other cats, though.
I think I am going nuts.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. I think all of us go through the what ifs. Sometimes I catch myself thinking...what if I'd gotten Shiloh to the oncologist earlier in the week? What if I'd given her another day? What if....what if...what if??? On days like that I have to remind myself that I did everything I within my power and knowledge that I could do....and Shiloh knows that and she loves me for everything I did for her. Just like Hegel knows that you did everything you knew to do...and he loves you for that.

You're in my thougts,
Kathleen

PS - I don't think you're going nuts...I really do think our furbabies find ways of letting us know they've been to visit.

I am so sorry to hear of your bad day but I wanted to tell you that I know just how you feel. I lost my cat of fifteen years at the end of October to kindey failure and had many of the same thoughts as you are having now. Kasha had been sick with kidney stones and bladder problems all of her life and I was always very quick to get her to the vet for treatment but for some reason, that last time, I didn't take her until it was too late. Now, Kasha had a host of other troubles that would have brought her time to an end anyway but I couldn't help thinking that she might have had a few more months at least had I taken her for treatment before her kidneys failed.

I also have an infant son who was born in August, just around the time Kasha started having trouble with her arthritis again. I had her on medication for that and was watching her carefully for signs of pain but when my little guy was born he took up a lot of my time. He had severe colic from the moment he was born and the stress that came from dealing with it was (and still is) overwhelming. Not only was my entire life changed in more ways than I could count, but this poor little soul I brought into the world was constantly screaming in pain for up to 14 hours at a time. I loved my cat more than life, but I didn't notice that she was having kidney problems until I saw the blood in her urine which was all over the house. She had been peeing on the floor, but I though she was just adjusting to our new addition....I didn't even think that she was ill. Once I realised the truth it was far too late for her.

A new baby changes your life so much that you spend the first six months just catching up to who you were before you became a parent (even if it's your second, third, or fourth child). Nothing you did before fits into your new schedule and it takes time to get yourself back on track. It was just horrible coincidence that our furry little ones fell ill during a time in our lives when we had so much on our plate, we didn't know which way was up. In retrospect, I don't think there was much I could have done for Kash anyway....she was getting on in years and had so many other problems surgery wouldn't have been an option for her....I just wish I had known. I could have maybe given her a little more time.

I don't know whether this will make you feel better or worse (not worse I hope) but I wanted you to know that there will always be "what if's" in life that we can't answer and that mine were the same as yours.

Kristie

Kristie thank you so much for sharing that! Yes I listened to my baby cry for 14 hrs
a day as well! His colic lasted from around the middle of June til sometime in October. We had a calm month, now we're in constant teething fussiness.

Throughout all this, My cat was my rock. Lying on the bed peacefully sleeping,
meowing for his wet food treat in the evening. Patiently listening to all that crying!
I always talked about my boys. I considered Hegel my first born. Maybe I feel
distant from my son right now because I feel like such a failure. Teething and
colic aren't our fault, but it can sure make you feel that way. I'm a stay at home
mom right now, and I think, "What, I couldn't take care of 1 little baby, a cat and
a dog properly?"

Life is so empty without my Hegel. He would have been 11 sometime in the middle
of January. I thought if I just loved and protected him, we would have at least
15-18 years together.
Again, thank you.

What you both have to realise is that it is still early days, i was still punishing myself a year later and even now i like to have a good old prod and wake up Mr Guilty again for a good old cry.

I really dont know why we do it, but every single one of us does.

Maybe its that search for purfection.

Love yourselves as much as your furbabies loved you.

Love Sue