My male cat has been killed by a car on the road. I did not neuter him. He roamed around the neighbourhood. Now I feel guilty as well as grief-stricken. I blame myself for not neutering him. I am thinking he would not have wandered if I had neutered him and would not have been killed on the road. A thoughtful neighbour picked him off the road. When I knocked on the neighbour's door, she said she had taken the cat off the road and kept him in a box just in case somebody came looking. It was an act of kindness. It was traumatic to see him. He was virtually unrecognisable. He had been totally crushed by passing cars after he was killed. I only recognised him by a distinctive rectangular shaped notch out of his left ear. It was definitely Thomas.

How terrible I feel. Guilt, Grief, Anger, Self-reproach. I was told that he wouldn't have suffered but I cannot get the image out of my mind of a vehicle running over him and him dying in agony. Please give me some counselling on this. Thank you.

Hi, Sean, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Thomas. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.

Sean, even if you had your beloved Thomas neutered he would very probably still have had the urge to "explore" because of the genetic traits our domestic feline companions still inherit from their wild cousins. What happened with your beloved Thomas was an accident - - it was not what you wanted for your beloved companion. You did what you thought was best for your beloved Thomas and thought he would be safe.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we ALL experience is grief / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally fragile.

Unfortunately there is no easy way to travel this grief adjustment journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that will speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Thomas' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Sean - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Thomas with us, Sean. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of your beloved Thomas with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace nd blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much Moonbeam. This has been helpful. I miss him so much. It is like a dagger has been thrust into my heart.

Sean, I am SO very sorry to hear of the physical loss of your Thomas! There's nothing like the heart-wrenching grief of losing a beloved pet.

I completely agree with moon_beam. Thomas would have felt the urge to wander even if he had been neutered. I have a good friend who recently lost his neutered male. He lived to 18, but, he had been an indoor/outdoor kitty all his life AND he wandered all over the neighborhood. It was a risk my friend took, to let him outside, but, he said (and he was so right about this kitty) that Mack would NOT have been happy being an indoor-only cat. So he was just one of the rare ones who didn't succumb to the outside dangers. (Though there are indoor dangers too---so many things that can happen, or diseases we don't catch, that can lead to their passing and to our guilt. I've experienced this in awful ways. That's a big reason this site is so helpful. We realize we are human, not perfect, and we can support each other through the grief process.)

Thomas had a fun life, like Mack, only, sadly, much shorter. But you took the risk of "early heartbreak" to give Thomas a fun, free life where he was also loved by you.

Please try not to feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

And, you will be fully reunited with Thomas when it is your time. In the meantime, he is just fine---a free, happy spirit. He feels your love and does not want you to feel any self-reproach or guilt. Maybe sometime, if and when you're ready, he'll guide you to another lucky kitty who needs you.

Do you have supportive people in your life? Do you have other pets?

I hope you're doing okay. If you're up to it, keep us posted on how you are.

Prayers for healing,

Kathy

Thank you so much for your reply, Kathy. I miss Thomas so much. He was a part of my life. Your words are very comforting. You are right. We have to let them go out and be a cat if that is what they want. I was talking to the neighbour who found Tom dead on the road. We were talking about all those young people who were killed in Paris by the Islamist gunmen. Their parents brought them up to adulthood and then they have to let them go into the world. But you never know what is going to happen to your children, do you? It is an unknown. I guess it is a bit like our pets. WE let them out on a night or during the day and we cannot be absolutely certain that we will see them again. But they must be free. We have to let them go. Once again, many thanks and best wishes. Sean

PS I have two other cats, both neutered males. Robbie and Stubbs (we call him Stubbs because we had to have his tail amputated after an accident)

Well-said, Sean! We never know for certain whether we will see loved ones again. It's a harsh reality of this life.

Check in here any time! I know this journey isn't easy.

I am glad you have Robbie and Stubbs.

Kathy

Thank you so much, Kathy. Your tagline is mine : "Compassion for all animals". Cruelty is the very worst thing of all. We must all always intervene to try to stop cruelty to our fellow living creatures. Best wishes, Sean.