I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

I am so sorry for your loss, but please believe me when I say that no matter what you had done or not done you would still be feeling this awful guilt. My Furry cat died over 2 years ago now & yet I still torment myself by thinking I should have done more to save her. The "if onlys" haunt me every day, even though with medication she survived for 21 months after she could have died.
There is no way to judge yourself - if you'd arranged for a treatment & she'd still died you would be saying " why did I let them do it?" It is a sad fact that we can't second guess what would have been best. Please don't tear yourself up with guilt. It is a terrible loss, but you loved her & gave her a second chance, a happy & loved 2 1/2 years. Without you she wouldn't have had those happy times & known much love.
Judith

I agree with everything Judith said. We can't beat ourselves up, I really think you did the best you could. Do try to focus on those wonderful "extra" years you did give your little friend. I hope you can feel better soon.

Chuck

Furrysmom and Chuck,

Thank you for responding. The woman that heads up the support group I go to said to make a list of all the times I think I failed my dog, and the times I think I did good for her; that the "goods" would outweigh the "bads." I started that a month ago and came up even! She tells me to that I have to choose to believe that I didn't (indirectly) kill my dog, but right now I cannot convince myself otherwise.

Patsy never cried or yelped peeing; I thought sometimes she looked to be straining when peeing. She also didn't want to go out as much; though when she would go out she would still run, jump and bark at birds, etc. But in another chat group I'm in I was told that animals will hide their pain very well. It still doesn't help me because my gut just tells me she had stones or a blockage. Right now I can't forgive myself for not going further--HOW COULD I? (And I do know what you mean, had I had a procedure done, maybe it would have caused her harm, even death. I look at it that if I'd further checked things, if she had stones, etc. dietary changes could have been made and she would have recovered, OR I would have put her to sleep sooner so she wouldn't have suffered in silence, while everything in her little system backed up.

In my mind I keep thinking back to that time, and how EASY! it would have been to at least just leave my vet a message (I even THOUGHT of doing that several times! --I had done it before for other things). I find what I did (or should I say did not do) absolutely unacceptable. I imagine someone who murders (and feels remorse) may have these similar feelings...
A family member told me that this was just meant to happen this way--but even if it WAS it still doesn't make me feel better!

Thank you again for caring to respond. I wish you both well too.

Hi, hope2heal, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Patsy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with their company. Patsy knows you did the very best you could for her under the cir%%stances of the moment and the information you had at the time. We do not have the gift of foresight, only the benefit of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our guilt when our furbabies predecease us. EVERYONE goes through the guilt stage of grief, hope2heal, so what you are feeling is normal. When I was much younger I had a kitty that I inherited from a family member. The changes I saw in her I thought were due to age - - not illness. She had regular check ups at the vet, and at no point in time did the vets in the practice ever mention to me anything about kidney disease. My mom and I boarded her with the vet when we took a week's vacation, and when I called to make arrangements to pick her up when we got back home, the vet who was on duty told me she nearly died and that I was irresponsible and he might not release her back to me. Needless to say I was devastated, and my mom was very livid. We went to the vet's office, and one of the other vets talked to us. My mom told him what the other vet said to me, and he was upset. He assured me that my kitty's kidney problems were age related but that they could be controlled. With his direction and kind guidance, we had two more years with my kitty. This happened many many many many - - well, many years ago, but that experience has always stayed with me. I have gone on to make other mistakes with other furkids I have had through the years. Our furkids are masters at disguising how they are feeling - - it's a survival method they have inherited from their wild ancestors and cousins. By the time our furkids atart exhibiting noticeable symptoms the illness is usually very advanced and the prognosis not very encouraging. The bottom liine is Patsy knows you love her and did everything in your power that you had at the time to do the very best for her. Another situation I experienced was when I was growing up - - my dad did not believe in taking care of any animals in the household. Vets were, in his opinion, another way to "squander" (his eaxct word) his money. It sounds to me you had pressures that Patsy also understood, and understood the "consequences" of what you might have had to face if you had made different decisions. Since we do not live in a vacuum decisions we make are based on the cir%%stances in which we live at the time. Please know that Patsy does not hold you responsible for what happened, and she most certainly does not want you to feel guilty, for guilt robs us of the joy of the memories we have of the lifetime shared with our furkids, and our furkids want us to be happy. Hope2heal, this grief journey has many different twists and turns, ups and downs, and different levels of intensities. I hope that you will eventually be able to come to a peace in your heart so that you can embrace Patsy's sweet living Spirit that is forever with you - - just in a different dimension. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, hope2heal. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let ud know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_beam,

Thank you so much for writing. It haunts me though, as I read of your kitty, how you WERE able to get her treatment and she stayed with you much longer.
My gut kept telling me over and over something wasn't right and I kept on dismissing it. I just thought today: WHY, if I was worried about the cost, didn't I just CHARGE IT! Who cares?! Hubby said to me on many occasions (though I always thought he loved Patsy) that 'There's only so much money I'm willing to spend on an animal.' He's the "breadwinner" here, too. I'm sure my parents would have given me money if necessary. It's as if I was so stressed out at the time I couldn't think straight.

I don't think Patsy would want me to be upset either, but I CANNOT stop thinking of what I believe she must have suffered. All day I feel anxiety; once in a while I feel calm. The only peace I have is while sleeping, and while talking with friends who understand. I wish I could talk to someone CONSTANTLY but I know that's not possible, or realistic.

I just can't understand what was so difficult about my making a phone call to the vet; that woulnd't have cost anything...and Patsy has paid with her life.

She was being treated for Demodectic mange at the time too with a heavy duty drug. She was also on an immunosuppressant. WHY didn't I think more seriously about how important drinking water was?? I remember feeling afraid about the situation, yet frozen in doing anything. I had spent money before and "surprised" hubby. Thing that gets me is he's spent THOU$and$ on guitars and his musical hobby, but always complained when I spent nearly anything--and I never did crazy stuff with the money. Sometimes when I bought groceries he even complained about the price of that. I'd Say: "It's FOOD, not jewelry and makeup!"

I just feel as if this is never going to soften. I feel responsible for an innocent life. I miss her so much.

Maybe that no matter what we do, no matter how promptly we treated, the friend is gone. Nothing we ever did will have, looking back, been good enough.
We can all remember, if we try hard enough, all the little clues that we missed that all was not well.

What is, is. Do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself, because it is already horrible enough. Probably, you are not a vet, so why demand that of yourself? It is not fair.

For example, I could blame myself for not watching that innocent little lump on Miles' chest carefully enough, before it turned into the metastatic cancer that killed her. I can dig back thirty years, if I really want to be miserable, and blame myself for feeding Sheva dry food that gave him kidney failure. I can go back fifteen years to not being forceful enough about Matilda the Aussie Terrier's penchant for eating Amanita Mushrooms. And on and on. It does not do our friends any good and it does not do ourselves any good.

Often in a loss, we need to blame someone, so we can shift the misery and convert it to outrage. But beating someone up, even if it is ourselves, does no good at all, and prolongs and worsens the pain. How many people on here must surely have gone through the "If Only" stage? I bet it is common. So recognize it for what it is, and don't go there. Our friends gave 100% of their lives to make us HAPPY. Honor their spirit by letting them continue to do it as long as we live and remember them.

John,

Thank you for writing. Really, I do know where you are coming from but just can't get past thinking of how my dog must have suffered. I SAW changes in her, but didn't act past getting checked for the UTI. I NEVER did something like that before; was always on top of things. I suppose I didn't think she was really going to die... Then there's a part of me that thinks: DID I? and I just got lazy, tired of fighting all the illnesses? Then I see my dog's pictures and think, NO!!! I couldn't have wanted that!!!! I know that must sound bizarre.

I don't want to be miserable; would be wonderful if I could just turn off a switch and make it go away. If only the part of my brain that's causing the torturing thoughts of her suffering could be switched off, I could begin to move ahead!!!

I get saddened when I see a BUG dying, so I am struggling with how I questioned if my dog was in discomfort and basically decided to ignore it! Doesn't make sense.

No one thinks you are a horrible person. The reason you are having such a hard time over this is proof you are not. Everyone of us would do something different if given the chance, but it is all hindsight. Try to find your own peace. It is what we are all trying to find. You gave your dog a family - other pets, kids, other companions. Sounds like she had a great life and was content. Where you failed to give attention, others did. My story is long, but maybe it can help someone.

A few days after I put my dog down just last week in the emergency clinic, I stopped at the local vet to let them know that Meeks passed. The vet assistant asked what happened. I told the assistant that after the emergency clinic evaluated her over 26 hours, with an ultrasound they found her stomach lining was inlarged to the point that it was blocking passage to the intestinal tract. Meeks was unable to eat or drink. They felt it was cancer because she wasn't responding to the IV antibiotics and there were several lymph nodes that were enlarged. To verify the diagnoses would mean that they would need to operate to biopsy. I opted to put her down. The vet assistant responded,"Why didn't you do the surgery?" I started to cry hard and felt horrible. It was a reasonable question but the guilt creeped in. I walked out of there thinking, I was a monster. All I could choke out as an excuse was she was so weak and I didn't think she would make it and it was so expensive. The reason I chose to euthanize Meeks was because I witnessed close family members pass with terminal illness. My father thought he needed a vacation, and while at his destination was diagnosed with terminal cancer. If people rationalize life-threatening illness as a cold, or feeling rundown, or just need a break, while failing to see what is happening to their body, how could I adequately care for a senior (12.5 years old) dog who is unable to communicate her wellbeing? The symptoms could easily be justified as a old age, or recovery, or being blind? Animals can mask symptoms. I worried that I would be putting her through this pain and discomfort from surgery and ongoing illness, all so that I would have a few more monthes with her. I'm not sure if I did what is right or wrong and will never know. If I thought money could have fixed the situation, like you I would have found it.

To add background if history helps, on an earlier weekend (previous 5 weeks) I noticed my dog couldn't see all of a sudden. She had a large cataract on that eye. She lost one eye due to uveitis, diagnosed over 5 years earlier. I took the dog to the emergency clinic . She was diagnosed with glacoma and medicated. On the 2nd exam the vet said that the drugs weren't working and eye separated from the optic nerve. I went back to my local vet to remove the second eye within the week. All necessary tests/exams of the health of the dog was performed before the surgery. After the surgery there was a small complication where Meeks had issues with eating because of a hematoma that caused swelling in her face. Over the next few of weeks, she was doing much better with 3 visits/reviews by the vet. On one of those revisits to the vet I discussed putting Meeks in a recommended kennel (by the vet) for 2 weeks for a planned vacation. I was hesitant because it was so soon after the surgery but she was doing well. I hadn't vacationed in 2 years and needed to get away. I called the kennel while away, the kennel said she wasn't eating well but that was to expected. We were seldom apart. When I returned from the vacation the dog was in horrible shape. She was unable to eat or drink without vomitting. She was weak and dehydrated. At the beginning of the month she weighted 30 lbs and was down to 22lbs. To say I was overcome with guilt would be an understatement. Why did I go on vacation so soon after her surgery? Why vacation, my family hasn't had good luck on them (bad joke but it is my story so I think I can say it if I can make someone laugh). Why didn't I do more after the loss of appetite after complication from the surgery? She didn't lose all 8lbs in the 2 weeks in the kennel, I missed something.

When I first got my dog Meeks, like a lot of you, I got her from a shelter. The shelter was advertising beagle pups and when I walked into the pen area to view them, a medium brown dog began to bark, jumping and crashing into the door of the pen. There were people in the area also, so I thought all the visitors was disturbing the dog. As I left the room the dog quieted. 3 or 4 times I enterd and left the area because of the commotion of this dog. Each time I returned to the pen area, even though there were others reviewing dogs, the dog re-acted. I left with that dog. She picked me. She was 2 years old. I didn't know her fur was black until I had her about a month. The fact that she was untrained was errelevant because she never left my side. I saved her life that day and then twice after with the eye surgeries and let her pick her owner, but yet all that is currently overshaddowed with the feeling that I let her down this last time. You can't experience that bond and not ache over losing it, no matter what the situation.

I know. it is easy from someone to write what we SHOULD do. If you want to see how badly I could not follow my own advice, check out the Miles thread below while it was going on and you will see I felt the same way. We all know intellectually the way we should be thinking about it, but when in the despair of a loss, it seems so stupid when someone says something like "Think happy thoughts", and all the other garbage we have to hear from well-meaning but clumsy people.

Nobody could dig me out of my mood, either, except time and my new friend, and even now I have very bad moments about Miles.

Dear MeeksMom,

Thank you for writing and sharing Meeks' story. I am so sorry to hear of her passing. You and she had been through so much. I love the way you told of how she picked you...

I find it just beautiful how others here who have so recently suffered a loss are tyring to console me. It's been 3 months for me, though it may as well have been yesterday. The loss is so fresh for you, Meeksmom; it's amazing how you are able to give of yourself and try to help others.

I know this may not make you feel better, but I think you made the right decision. It probably sounds crazy, but I feel like I wish I could switch places with any of you--not in any way to belittle anyone's loss or to think that their suffering or grief is any less than mine--because I know it isn't. It's just because to me it still seems that everyone else made the right decisions with their animal--even when I read how they go through the Woulda Coulda Shoulda's. At least they further looked into things, unlike me. I still can't believe I did that. I guess I didn't think she was going to die...? I find what I did/did not do so unacceptable. Right now it hurts for me to see ANY animals, or to hear people talk about them. I feel like I'm undeserving of another animal's love.

Again MeeksMom, thank you for writing. I can see how much you and Meeks have loved each other. I believe she knows you did what you thought was best for her.

Hi, hope2heal, we never want to think of our furkids as being ill. Two years ago my 6-year-old number one kitty son Eli was becoming fussy eating, but it was during the very hot part of the summer. He was still eating, but was finicky. At first I figured it was part of his personality - - nothing new. As the days wore on I would watch him eat and I wondered if he had a tooth that was going bad. He didn't seem to be in pain when he ate, but I noted this to talk to the vet about it because it was getting close to his annual physical. Finances were still a bit tight, so I waited until I had enough funds budgeted to take him to the vet. I was not prepared for what happened: The vet recommended x-rays which showed a mass in his abdomen that required emergency surgery the following day, which brought the news through a pathology report of End Stage Lymphoma. What if I had taken him in sooner - - etc. etc. etc.. I was totally consumed with guilt. But the vet told me that the few weeks I waited would not have made any difference, and his blood tests all came back normal. If I had taken him in sooner and they ran the blood panel with the tests coming back negative the vet said they probably would not have done x-rays at that time since he wasn't running a fever and had no other specific symptoms. So, you see, hope2heal, there are no guarantees, unfortunately. Of course it breaks our heart because they are dependent upon us for their care - - but we are not omnipotent - - we are mere mortals with limitations. My mom and I were on our own. My mom finally found the courage to leave an abusive spouse, who was not only abusive to my little kitty but to my mom and to me, and although we were both working, we were living on a shoe string budget. My little kitty got the best of care we could give her according to our financial means. My mom and I did without things many times in order to give my kitty the medical care she needed. We do the best we can at any given time, and our furkids KNOW this. Patsy loves you for the care and comfort you gave her, and does not hold you responsible for her illness and death. I know it is going to take you some time to work through the guilt, hope2heal, and we are here to help you in any way we possibly can. Hold on to the love you and Patsy shared, hope2heal, and hopefully eventually this will bring a comfort to your heart and mind and soul. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Sorry I'm back so soon, Moon_beam, but the guilt is intensifying this evening!

I can remember when I suspected Patsy wasn't peeing/drinking as much... Months back, during her other UTIs and I believe a couple months out of hospital when she relapsed with Thrombocytopenia (in May 07 I think), I voiced my concern in an online chat support group I belonged to for people with Auto Immune dogs about her condition...even one time, as I look back in the posts I specifically said I was concerned she was drinking less (back in May 07 I believe). I remember group members telling me, Make sure she stays hydrated...add gravy or some juice in her water to make it interesting.

Well back in the Spring (08) when I was pretty sure her drinking dropped off, one day I was getting ready to go out somewhere. I saw a big bottle of apple juice on the floor of the pantry, which was right near her water bowl. I thought of opening it up to pour some in to get her to drink and then thought, no, no one else in the family will be finishing this big bottle off, why open it. I also still have a can of mushroom gravy I considered adding (a teaspoon or so) to her water. Now I think back and think: SO WHAT if Patsy would be the only one drinking the darn juice! How LAZY and thoughtless of me! WHAT was more important at the time?! I still have that apple juice and gravy "haunting" me; I have to donate it somewhere as I can't stand looking at them; it torments me. Why couldn't I do more for my girl? (I almost can't even call her "my girl" anymore as I feel so guilty; I just think of her as God's, which she is. He loaned her to me and I let her down.)

I EVEN remember thinking (lightbulb moment), Perhaps she's not drinking as much because it hurts to pee or something. I did have her checked for the UTI, negative. Something inside of me was still telling me, Hey, something's not right here and I STILL continued to ignore it, or excuse it. I HAD THE THOUGHT THAT A BLOCKAGE COULD EXIST. For entertaining the thought and then dismissing that I just can't seem to forgive myself. I feel like a low life, that I just let her die. Every day I ask God and Patsy to forgive me. I just can't imagine getting out of this guilt rut.

Thank you for sharing again, Moon_beam. I'm sure that must have been so devastating for you, with your cat...

And Moon_beam, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. That means a lot.

Thanks for understanding my decision. I do appreciate it. If you can understand why I made the decision I made, why can't you forgive yourself? Our stories are very simular - senior dogs with serious health problems. I don't know about you but I always felt that where there is life there is hope, however with animals there is constant indecision as they age. There are hundreds of complicated due to organ failure or deminished capacity. With Meeks, although I only discussed the eye surgery there were issues with her kidneys starting to fail and tests for diabetes, she was also starting to develop Cushings, then the lower energy and sleeping more, makes it harder to read. An aging dog makes you more forgiving when they don't behave as they did when they were younger. I would like to say it wears you down, but I don't think that is entirely true. You do want to keep them with you, however it does makes you doubt or second guess the situation. Saying that when the shoe hits the floor, the guilt is hard. Try to give yourself some peace.

I'm so sorry you lost your Patsy. Please don't feel guilty. I know easier said than done. I don't think there is anyone here who hasn't felt it at one time or another. You mentioned in your post about you catching grief from your spouse about vet bills. You felt it had influence on you. Also you were concerned about the juice and what the others may think. And you said your marriage seem strained. That is a lot on your plate. I feel you did the best you could with Patsy. You got her help, meds, tested. You know what would be so great, if they could just tell us. When our Arthur came home hurt that day, my partner Dave didn't know what to do. He was so afraid to pick him up. By the time I got there and took him to the hospital 7hrs had passed. The guilt ripped him apart for not taking him in sooner and just watched him in pain. When he got there he was in shock. It didn't matter, his damage was to severe to fix. How could any of us really know how truely sick they are. Arthur wasn't feeling well one day so I took him to the vet. Dave made a comment about me taking him in every time he sneezes, and what people say to us sticks in the back of our minds. I'm thinking, oh god, food poisiong, he's thinking nothing. I think you did your best, from what I've read the vet nor the hospital didn't seem too concern at first, so really, how were you to know. I try to look upon these life events as learning lessons for the next time around. I know all too well how tightly guilt grips us. There have been many here who have posted links about that very subject. I try to read as many as I can. I hope they will help heal. My thoughts are with you.. Hugs.. Ann

Dear Jon,

I looked at the Miles thread (if I indeed was looking at the correct one), but couldn't find an example of what I thought you were referring to-- guilt-? (I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your words). It seemed on the post you were able to share so many happy memories of life with your cat. I would love to be able to do that, but because of my guilty feelings, I cannot. When Patsy first died I was ready to jump into making a photo album. Then as the days and weeks went on, I see how I really kept dismissing her behavior/symptoms and put off contacting the vet. I just can't believe I did that. Perhaps she would have passed away anyway but I honestly believe if I'd taken her in earlier I could have gotten an accurate diagnosis, help, or if she could not have been helped I could have put her out of her suffering so much sooner.

The hospital DX was Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia, but I think they said that she could have had cancer or maybe even kidney failure... I never even mentioned to them about the drinking/urinating; I was so upset at the time I didn't even think of it.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos or think of all the ways she was so wonderful, because I honestly feel like I helped put her in her grave. Our family is not poor (not millionaires either). But why didn't I just use a credit card and take the poor dog in? I know no one can answer this. My gut kept telling me something was amiss.

Thanks for writing.

Thank you for writing, Ann.

I'm so sorry to hear about Arthur. That must have been a horrible experience. Similarly to you, my hubby always thought I overreacted with my dog. In the last couple weeks, my gut was telling me something wasn't right, but I ignored it.

Just don't know if I'll ever get past this. Thanks for caring enough to write.

Hi, hope2heal, I wish there were some magic words I could say to you that would help ease your feelings of guilt. Everyone's grief journey is different, even though we share the bottom line - - the loss of our beloved companions. Sometimes we need to make a conscious effort to force ourselves to block the feelings of guilt. When we begin to feel guilty deliberately replace the negative guilty feelings with POSITIVE good memories, and become so repetitive about this that eventually we can embrace the healing and the sweet living Spirit of our furkids as they live on in our hearts and memories. Prolonged guilt can induce clinical depression which only intensifies the guilty feelings, prolongs the healing journey from our loss, and can inflict physical illness. Patsy does not want you becoming ill from her passing, hope2heal. Donate the apple juice and gravy to the local food pantry so that you are not constantly having to look at them. Patsy wants you to remember her with a happy heart, and this can only be done through a positive resolution with the grief and guilt you are feeling. We become the living legacy of our furkids when they predecease us. And because their lives are shorter than ours, we must continue to live our lives in a way that will honor their memory and the many infinite blessings they brought to us during their journey with us on this side of eternity. Believe me, hope2heal, I do understand how difficult it is to face another day when all the days are the same - - entrenched in deep sorrow and wondering "why didn't I" - - And this is why it is so important to force ourselves to focus on the positive memories so that eventually they become the "norm" instead of the deep sorrow and grief and guilt. So, I say again, hold onto the love you and Pastsy shared with all your strength, hope2heal. You are worthy of the good memories you shared during your journey together. You are worthy of letting go of the guilt and the anger you are feeling about yourself so that Patsy's sweet living Spirit can fill your heart now as you adjust to the transition in your relationship with her. Please try to find some comfort in the experiences everyone shares with you so that you can begin to see you did the very best you could under the cir%%stances of the moment. Remember - - there is sugar in apple juice - - which would have given your Patsy diarrhea. The gravy may have been too rich for her digestive system and could have made her very ill. You did NOT induce your Patsy's death, and you did NOT fail her. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hope2heal, please know you are NOT alone in your grief journey, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon_beam, for your advice, your kind words and thoughts. I don't know when I'm going to feel better; I know it's hard work. I attend a Pet Loss Support Group meeting where I have found some comfort and made a few friends, but it's not enough. Think I might need to go the route of individual counseling next.

It's never easy losing an animal family member, but it seemed I had so much time and effort invested in Patsy with her illness that the feeling of responsibility for her death and failing her when I never had before is just too much to bear sometimes. I know I have to, but I don't see myself getting through this loss anytime soon. I've always been upset after losing an animal, but this is just the worst. I feel as if I killed my dog.

God bless you for taking the time to write me.

No matter how our pets pass away, the grief, sadness, and guilt overwhelms us. It's a blow like no other and takes it's toll on us mentally, physically, and spiritually. This journey of healing we all walk together is long and arduous.

When my Goliath passed away so suddenly nearly a year ago now, my life came to a screeching halt. He had gotten sick earlier in the evening and I rushed him to the ER where I was told ex-ray showed his stomach was very irritated and that he would be just fine. They gave me some antacids along wih some diet instruction for me to follow starting the next day. We came home from the Er and I was sitting in my chair feeling relieved that my sweet Goliath was going to be okay and he was laying right by the fireplace in his usual warm spot. Awhile later I was looking at him and he went into a seizure and I picked him up in my arms and in less than two minutes he was gone with the angels that we both knew were near.

I tried desperately to breathe life back into him to no avail. This couldn't be happening to us. Afterall, I did just get home from the ER. Even though the vet told me Goliath was going to be fine, I had this feeling that he wasn't going to be. I asked myself why I didn't push the vet harder..........why wasn't I more adamant about how I was feeling. There was something wrong!!! Why didn't I tell the vet my instincts were telling me that she was missing something very important? My gut has never lied to me before.

What I learned from this was that to never deny my gut feelings ever again. It was a tough and heartbreaking lesson to learn. Today if there is any question in my mind that nags at me, especially where my other furbabies are concerned, I will not dismiss it. I know I can't change the past, but I can make use of the knowledge I gained and use it to my benefit today.

Patsy loves you just as much as you love her. She doesn't hold you accountable for her death and wouldn't want you to think that you were. Her loving spirit will remain alive and well though her body has perished. The memories she left you are her gift of love for you to keep forever until you and she meet again in the next world which is eternal. Life is short.....Eternity isn't.

I didn't find LS until two months after Goliath passed away. Up until that time, I had all but given up hope in finding a way to accept Goliath's death. I merely existed and had stopped living. Through LS and the warm loving people here I began my journey of healing. It was here that I found hope, inspiration, and a will to live again. Each step of the way, I began picking up the broken pieces of my heart.

It's been a long road, but an amazing journey for me. Today my life is full of love and life. Each day is a gift for me to spend my time making each and every minute count. It is was what I do today that will become my memory tomorrow. Letting go of the pain and guilt allowed me to savor the memorable life Goliath and I shared together. I am so thankful that he enriched my life so much by teaching me such lessons of love and the importance of living each day to the fullest. Goliath lives within me and all around me. Today I know he never left me and will one day greet me at Heaven's Gate.

Keep coming, keep sharing, and you too will find yourself able to live once again in peace.

Much love and comforting hugs from my heart to yours,
Beth

Dear Beth,

Thank you for your listening, and for your kind words. I'm so very sorry to hear about Goliath; I can only imagine how devastating that must have been for you.

I know it is God who forgives (first), but I cannot right now find it in my heart to forgive myself for not getting Patsy checked out further; for not being able to make at least a PHONE CALL... I feel such anxiety at times with myself thinking: WHAT the heck was I THINKING? If she was here right now I wouldn't hesitate to act. Oh how I wish she was here now! How could I put things off like that? I must have been out of my mind.

I can't stand to think of how horribly I went against my gut feeling and logical thinking. It's unacceptable.

I know people say, We're human, we make mistakes. I just cannot accept the mistake I believe I made. I know at some point I suppose I will have to if I want to live a decent and productive life.

I just don't know when, if ever, I'll get through this (I know I'll never totally get over it). It is so hard for me to look at ANY animal right now; I feel like such a cruel and negligent person. Who would do that to their friend? I let her down.

Hi, hope2heal, I am so glad you are here with us. The stages of grief of a beloved companion are the same as those for grieving the loss of a human family member or friend. Sometimes professional counseling is helpful, and I speak from personal experience. If I may offer one piece of advice, though: As you search for a counselor, be sure to ask if they are at the very least aware of companion animal bereavement. I would truly hate to see your grief compounded by a counselor who is totally insensitive to your feelings in relation to the loss of your beloved Patsy. Companion animal bereavement is a rather new component to professional counseling, and not every counselor is educated in this field. I just thought I would mention this - - for whatever it may be worth to you. Hope2heal, I pray with all my heart that you will someday be able to embrace your memories of Patsy and know deep within yourself that your love for her far outweighs the "mistakes" made along the way. We ALL make mistakes with our furkids, just as human parents are not infallible with their human children. But we are always assured that our furkids love us unconditionally, and for this I for one am very humbled, honored, and blessed to have their sweet precious presence in my life. You, too, are worthy of being loved again by a precious furchild - - if you should want to embrace another furchild in your life - - but regardless of that, hope2heal, you are worthy of Patsy's continued love across time and space. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hope2heal, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_beam,

Thank you again for writing. I am going to try and find a private counselor that deals with pet loss. Monthly group meetings, though a little comforting, are not enough. Perhaps the Support group leader can refer me to someone.

I still don't see myself healing from this, but I know I need someone else to talk with. I'm not saying my dog wasn't already about to die, MAYBE she was, but things should not have happened the way they did. I never thought I would be in such a situation, and from my own stupidity. I KNEW BETTER; I KNEW something wasn't right. I imagine others who read this post think: Well then why the heck didn't you do something about it while you had the chance! I remember telling a relative and hubby of Patsy not wanting to go out to pee, drinking and peeing less. I'm not blaming it on them but when I mentioned it no one said: Oh my gosh! You've gotta get that checked out, that could be serious. I DID think that on my own, but STILLL I didn't do anything!!! I am so disgusted with myself.

moon_beam, thanks for being here--it means a lot. I envy the people here who move on and adopt new animals. I honestly, HONESTLY (and I have lost 3 dogs and many other animals in my life) DO NOT SEE IT EVER HAPPENING FOR ME AGAIN. I feel like I've totally ruined my life of love with animals.

Hi, hope2heal, I do sincerely relate with how you are feeling, for different reasons. I know the healing journey ahead of you may seem to be a long and uncertain one. Each of our paths to healing is individual, hope2heal. Unfortunately the journey cannot be rushed; there are no fast forward buttons to push to get us through this journey faster than our hearts will allow. Yes, life goes on after a loss - - but it isn't the same, can never be the same, and isn't meant to be the same because our lives have been permanently changed over the years with the relationship we have known and cherished with our furkids. I hope and pray with all my heart that your individual counseling will be of comfort and insight to you. Please know we will continue to be here for you both as a group and, if you wish, individually. Please know you can personally e-mail me anytime and I will be very glad to respond. I personally will be interested in knowing how you are doing, if you so wish to share with me. In any case, please know you are not alone in your journey, hope2heal, and that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

your first post said:
I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it.

I had read it but wanted to do some research to try and understand what might have happened.
Certain things you said like...she had an "auto immune illness" and was on drugs for that. Also that your vet gave no recommendations (I didn't understand that). I don't know where you thought of kidney stones, blockage, liver problem unless you looked up the symptoms for those. I know I have found a lot of problems have identical symptoms. But what I looked up was the Hospital Diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia and found that antibiotics can trigger this. It also seems that dogs that get this have a problem with an auto immune illness and it sounded like because they develop that illness....this one can follow. It sounded to me as of your baby had the problem already due to the auto immune illness and I didn't read any cure.
It sounds like a genetic disease that is not preventable. I believe the article I read said that some dogs may not get the Diagnosis disease the hospital said but others do.

From what I read....I really don't see any way you could have prevented what happened. I'm sorry you had the emergency (I went through that with my last one, Little Guy and it was a total shock). I think when it happens like that....there is a measure of shock that hits us.

I am putting the link to where I read about this disease and hope that by reading further about it you can realize that it was the problem and not all the other problems you researched that I would say...told you symptoms you could have watched out for and that is why you feel so badly....feeling you should have done something...when this disease truly sounds like there was nothing you could have done.

It is a horrible thing to go through...losing a sweetheart...and losing one so quickly when it happens..no time to prepare (although preparation never helped me). She had a beautiful life for over 2 years with you. You rescued her..which gave her time to love and be loved. Everytime one of these best friends is taken away, it is a tragedy...it is horrible to lose them.
But they would never want us to feel guilty. We are not doctors. We are not God. We are not perfect. All we can do is the best we can for them when we know what to do....and many times we just don't know.

When you go to the link, be sure to scroll downward and read the many comments from others who went through this illness and how quickly it can all happen and see you are not alone in losing a special one to such an awful condition.

Here is the link:

http://autoimmunedisease.suite101.com/arti...emolytic_anemia

Again, I am so very sorry about your girl. She is at peace. She is not suffering. And you know she would never want you to suffer because of her. You have to try and concentrate on the good years you gave her and the love she gave back. She would never have known the happiness and love you gave her if you had not rescued her. That is what you did for her.
That is a wonderful unselfish act. It is not your fault or her fault she was taken. I can only explain to myself that they are taken because it is decided by some power it is their time to leave us...no matter what age. That if they were meant to stay longer, we or our vets would have the answers to any problems that come up and we would take care of them and they would stay longer. But when it truly is their time to leave....we have no control. And, I think to make sure of that...so many times they are taken by diseases where there is no cure. We feel so helpless. But we cannot fix what is out of our control.

A powerful saying from one Mom I like to repeat because it helps me so much:
The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

I wish you peace and healing but it takes time. And the first thing to concentrate on is stamping out the guilt....guilt for a condition not even a doctor can cure. I did go back and just read it again and the Comments from other owners and it truly sounds like it can happen so fast that even a doctor cannot stop it...I couldn't figure out from the article how anyone could have noticed something cause the symptoms I saw I don't believe fit what you were noticing. Conditions like these are the cruelest part of having these sweethearts for we never know what will come in time, and we do know there will be a time when they will have to leave. We always hope it will be peaceful but life is not that nice to us or to our best friends.

Look at her photos with the memory of the life you gave her even if the time was much too short (and it was) but then we truly would keep them forever if we were allowed to. We just are not allowed that. (Get mad at the disease..and not yourself).

Judy

Thank you, moon_beam again, for your kindness, your thoughts and prayers. I am in the process of seeking both spiritual and psychological/pet loss counseling. I am convinced that my dismissing my dog's urinating symptoms helped lead to her decline. I was in a horribly stressful state at the time--NOT to excuse myself--and I fear that I was so wrapped up in other troubles that I failed to realize the seriousness of the matter. That is what I truly believe and am finding incredibly hard to accept and deal with.

Thanks for thinking of me, and for offering your help. It means a lot to have support. If I hadn't anyone to talk with, I can't imagine how much more worse this could feel!

Sincerely,
hope2heal

Judy,
Thank you for writing, your beautiful and kind words and support. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Little Guy in an emergency situtaion. It is a horrible feeling when you're not expecting something.

Thank you for sending the link. I'm sorry if I wasn't very clear; I'll try to explain more here:

Patsy was DX in Oct 06 with Immune Mediated Thromobocytopenia (an auto immune bleeding disorder--her body was destroying her platelets). She was given Prednisone at high doses and in a few months weaned off. She relapsed (or disease wasn't fully put into remission) in March 07, was given Vincristine in the hospital to help bring back platelets, also started on high doses of Prednisone again plus a drug called Azathioprine. In July 07 and Nov 07 she came down with UTIs; each time took antibiotics and it cleared up. [When she got it in July she suddenly wanted to go out and pee all during the night . At first I thought she was frantically marking territory because of night critters visiting yard. When daylight came however, I followed her out and saw to my horror, instead of pee, a drop of blood came out! I was told she had a UTI. When UTI surfaced in Nov, symptoms were more subtle. Seemed irritated, licking and scooting and a discharge.]

In April 08 she began itching a lot, losing hair, had scabs under her ears. She was diagnosed with Demodectic Mange. (these infections and mange were a result of her immune system being suppressed from the drugs). Late that month I also noticed around that time a hesitancy to pee. I thought maybe it could be a UTI, but thought maybe she didn't want to pee because we were having so much rain and she hated that--also foxes were getting more bold with her--I wouldn't vaccinate her because of suppressed immune system and then had to take her out on leash at night to keep her safe.

Hubby was constantly complaining about Patsy's vet bills...though he had no limit, it seemed, in his spending for himself; I tried to restrict buying things only for the family when I shopped. He always said, "[b]Oh Patsy, you're costing me so much money, you're cleaning me out, etc., but I love you anyway!.." In April I think I spent $350 at one vet visit...I can still hear "THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!?!" when he came home from work. I had Patsy checked for a UTI in late April. The vet said it was negative but that there were lots of crystals and that urine was highly alkaline. I asked him if this could occur from diet (because I had her partially on this "Liver Cleansing Diet" which consisted of boiled whitefish, sweet and white potatoes) and he replied sometimes but gave no suggestions. He said the results could have been from her holding it in for so long. I just didn't think to ask him if there was something else I could do. I do recall trying to give cranberry juice for the UTI before, but she didn't like the bitter taste in her water (it was sugar-free).

After negative UTI result, I thought to myself, well she doesn't have a UTI this time. I had forgotten that cranberry juice, besides helping to clear up infection, can make the urine more acidic--someone once suggested cranberry capsules during one of her infections but it was at a time her infection was clearing up,and I had read that too much of the cranberry can make things too acidic and create other issues. I didn't research enough; because I believe I was so preoccupied with other troubles in my life. (And I ALWAYS researched so much for her in the past.) The reduced urine output/water drinking continued. I kept thinking to myself this wasn't normal and I needed call the vet. A phone call would have cost me NOTHING, too!!! I do remember looking up kidney failure online, and her symptoms didn't match--I had remembered 2 of my other dogs and their excessive drinking and urinating. I thought, okay, maybe she just doesn't want to drink as much... I even remember for a fleeting moment having the thought that her drinking less probably wasn't good for the kidneys--she was still on Prednisone (extremely low maintenance dosage though), Azathioprine was reduced to every other day to help fight off mange, but a new drug, Eqvalan was added too--kind of like Ivermectin. My vet said that the FDA only allowed it for cattle and horses but "watered down" he could be given to dogs; that it was very safe, except for collies. Well, I found out later that there are vets who believe that this drug can be a trigger for Auto Immune illnesses!!!)

In May there were a lot of household repair expenses--even though I think our tax money covered it all. Water pipes burst in our cement slab foundation, we needed new door and a few windows, our air conditioning/heat pump unit died. When one of the workmen came over to estimate a job, he was admiring Patsy and talking about his 2 rescue mutts, how one was quite ill and the meds were so expensive. My hubby interjected matter-of-factly with, "Yeah, there's only so much money I'm willing to spend on an animal." When we were alone later he repeated that to me a couple of times, trying to get me to verbally agree. People who I have confided in tell me they think that is one reason why I likely kept putting off taking Patsy back in, that those kind of comments may have been staying in the back of my mind. STILL, contrary to the way hubby talks, we are NOT poor (neither are we millionaires), but truly there was enough money to vet Patsy. I felt frozen and full of anxiety though. I still could have charged any expenses and said WHO CARES!!! It's for Patsy's well being! At the time I didn't think of the charge cards, just kept thinking of the checking account,. where I usually paid vet from... The thought never even occurred to me either about asking IF I COULD PAY IN INSTALLMENTS if that was an issue!

I feel so responsible. She depended on me. I am haunted with the belief (and I wish I could believe otherwise) that she was so hesitant in peeing because of stones (sometimes she looked almost fearful in going out--foolish me attributed that to animals--in past she'd always wanted to pursue them. But I would take her in front yard and she seemed to pee more quickly, though quantity quite reduced). I read--AFTER her passing--I didn't research beforehand, that Struvite crystals in the urine can indicate kidney stones. I feel I will be forever tormented that my dog suffered silently (she never cried, sometimes I thought she looked to be straining but I thought, if she's drinking less...there's less to push out). I can't stand thinking how this did NOT have to happen; she did NOT deserve this.

The hospital gave her a diagnosis of IMHA. When we were there I was so upset I never even thought about mentioning the urinating symptoms. Patsy's skin had turned lighter--she was jaundiced, and her gums were nearly white. My theory--as much as I don't want to think this way--is that she had stones, couldn't fully empty herself, slowly became toxic and it caused her liver, etc. to fail. The hospital I believe did say that she could have had cancer or kidney failure instead... They failed to check her liver numbers that day--they asked ME what her last ones were! I gave them her file; apparently they didn't even see them...it was the third paper from the top of the stack.

It troubles me to no end that my GUT kept telling me to go further to get her checked out. I would like to believe it was just her time but I just feel without a doubt I could have taken steps to at least make it go slower and less painfully... I let my dog down; I just know it.

LoveThem, thank you for writing. People in this group have given me compassion that I don't think I deserve.

Wow h2h,

I'm really sorry this happened. Your story brought back memories of my Candy's suffering with lymphoma. I also shared the same kind of guild when pepper died.

About 7 or 8 years ago, I was planning on spending the day at knotts Berry Farm and decided to leave Candy and Pepper in the yard, where it's huge, with a dog house ect. When I came back home later, Pepper was missing, and a message on my phone said she was hit by a car.

I cannot describe the level of guilt I felt. I kept telling myself that my carpets were more important than my babies. I was very, very hard on myself. To this day, I will not leave any pet outside unattended. Ever.

But it sounds like that you least did what you could to help your baby. I know sometimes it's hard to get rid of the "what ifs" or the "I should'ves", all we can do is take it one day at a time and I know for myself, I'll take the hard lessons I learned from Candy and her illness to hopefully be more proactive the next time my furbaby get's ill.

God bless you and know you will be in our thoughts and prayers.


Candy's Dad

you said:
It troubles me to no end that my GUT kept telling me to go further to get her checked out. I would like to believe it was just her time but I just feel without a doubt I could have taken steps to at least make it go slower and less painfully... I let my dog down; I just know it.

I am so sorry you both had to go through all you posted. What you said at the end (see above) is what I was talking about. If those "steps" were meant to be....it would have happened. Concentrate on the better times and also keep remembering she is at peace. What happened to her was not her fault and not your fault. Neither you nor her gave her the disease that became too much for her body. With everything going on at the time (and I believe something caused all that to be happening at the same time) ....it just became a hard to win situation. Especially when one feels they are fighting alone. You and Patsy (taking all her medications) certainly tried but if it is not meant to be...we just will not win that final battle.

Because of mine being my first emergency situation (extreme)...I felt so lost afterwards and even though I know I made the right decision at the time....I wondered if there was more I could have done. What I did was call the vet who saw my boy that day and left word I would like to talk to her about what happened when she had some time...since I was hysterical that day but was calmer now. She called me and talked to me about it all for quite a while and really reinforced that it was the right decision and said she is not allowed at the time to say that but afterwards....if he had been her kitty...she would have had to decide exactly as I did. It did help me to have that talk with the vet. I wish you could do that. Even if she had not called me, I was prepared to pay for an office visit....and go there and talk...but she did call me late that day so I didn't have to do that...but I would have..even if I had to talk to a strange vet about everything going on.... I asked if I did wrong not asking for exploratory surgery since he wasn't eating well but she said that was too much to ask of a cat 16 1/2 years old...and even if he survived that...if the suspected cancer was found...he would have gone through that..for no cure.

It just helped me to have a vet person, who sees these things happen, tell me for my boy's sake....there was truly no choice and also not the best for him to be put through more than the x-rays he already had and also had painful dental surgery a couple weeks before.

From all you have described, it really sounds like Patsy (bless her heart) had a serious problem but if she hadn't had you and hadn't become a part of your life...she would have gone through everything that was coming...without the help you were able to give her. She would not want you to feel as you do.

I know the feeling you describe as feeling like you let her down. I think of the ones I have lost in my lifetime and I believe I can remember always having that feeling myself..as if there should have been more I could have done even when neither I nor a vet can think of anything.

That's when we really do have to remember...we are not God..who can do everything. We are the imperfect humans He created and part of that imperfection is that we were never given the power to work miracles. That's why what makes sense to me is that these babies really do have a time limit being with us and all we can do is hope..we are given as much time as possible.

Rereading your post and what was happening since October 2006, you really, really did a lot for your baby. 2006 was not her time and you helped her so much. You and the vet tried and did help her. We know things do not always work every time and are thankful when we can try and it works. We just are not able to save them every time something happens...that's the sad, painful part of having them.

When I look at my boy's picture...all I can do is say to him how sorry I am I was not able to help him and that I miss him very much. He is not suffering anymore and I let him go...because it was best for him...and not for me. But I do remember and am thankful for the time we were together and health was not an issue.

It is hard to cope with the helpless, empty feeling such a loss creates. It takes time and we can only help ourselves by remembering they are at peace and we will love them and miss them forever. But they can never be truly gone when they are part of our heart and that's one place they can never leave.

Write, cry, grieve....whatever you need to do to get through the most painful period..of now.

You know your new Angel will love you forever and will be with you forever and she knows you did the best you were allowed to do...by the power that decided it was her time.

Candy's Dad,

Thank you for your kind words, for your thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry to hear about Candy, and about Pepper too. That must have been so difficult for you.

I was tormented by something just a few minutes ago. I was cleaning up in my living room, going through a pile of papers near the bookcase. One particular pamphlet jumped out at me: it was for Royan Canin food; some kind of Urinary Tract formula. It mentioned about struvite crystals and the danger of them. I don't know when I picked up this brochure or if I was given it. But I had such a sick feeling when I saw it, thinking, there was something right there in my living room all the time; I was on that sofa every evening and that pile with the brochure in it just a couple feet away... Why couldn't I have come across it then and taken things more seriously? Why didn't I research the internet tirelessly back in the spring like I used to in the past for Patsy? Was she not worth it anymore? Instead I recall goofing around, watching videos online and downloading songs to my stupid MP3 player to take to the gym, which I haven't touched since July 3rd. I'd just as well give it or throw it away. I haven't listened to music (though I can't help but hear it in stores and other public places) since July 3rd. I have absolutely no interest; there's no joy in it for me since Patsy's gone.

If those "steps" were meant to be....it would have happened.

....if he had been her kitty...she would have had to decide exactly as I did. It did help me to have that talk with the vet. I wish you could do that.

From all you have described, it really sounds like Patsy (bless her heart) had a serious problem but if she hadn't had you and hadn't become a part of your life...she would have gone through everything that was coming...without the help you were able to give her. She would not want you to feel as you do.

When I look at my boy's picture...all I can do is say to him how sorry I am I was not able to help him and that I miss him very much. He is not suffering anymore and I let him go...because it was best for him...and not for me. But I do remember and am thankful for the time we were together and health was not an issue.

You know your new Angel will love you forever and will be with you forever and she knows you did the best you were allowed to do...by the power that decided it was her time.
[/quote]

Thank you again, moon_beam. You don't know how much I WANT to believe, as painful as it still would be, that this was just meant to happen this way, as you said. I just can't stand thinking of what pain my dog may have been in and could not tell me. I wish I could be comforted by thinking/believing: Patsy would not want me feeling this way. I'm sure she wouldn't but the anger/guilt I'm feeling at myself is so strong right now I cannot forgive myself for not doing more. I wish you could see this girl's face...I do not know how to post photos yet.

At the hospital, the vet told me that she would have made the same choice I did that day. Though our regular vet mailed me a sympathy card and donated money to a university in Patsy's name--hopefully they don't do anything cruel to lab animals--I'm hoping they are dogs who have owners--I cannot bring myself to call this vet. I'm angry at myself, and at him. Why didn't he suggest checking for stones? BUT, why didn't I ask for more to be done??? I would think he would say "Why didn't you bring her back in/call?!!!" but then again, lots of times, I had to ask the questions. I had to be the doctor practically. I think maybe sometimes vets are so bogged down they don't look at each individual animal very well. I'm ashamed to tell him I didn't pursue further. I feel so guilty. Actually though I am awaiting comment from another vet who is located in CA, deals with dogs with auto immune illness, and had generously had given me advice on Patsy in the past. I expect to hear from her tomorrow (faxed her Patsy's lab results) and I shudder to think of what she'll say...I honestly think she will have the same theory as I do. I don't know why I'm doing this...I know it could upset me horribly but I feel I have to try to find out what went wrong. I'm actually hoping something will seem so clear to this vet, that she could tell me: No there was likely no urinary blockage; that her news will make me feel that there was absolultely nothing I could have done. I am doubtful though.

I, like you with your dear boy kitty, tell Patsy (and God) every day how sorry I am. It's actually become more difficult to look at her photos as time has passed. That sweet innocent girl; why couldn't I have tried harder? Why didn't I give her more attention? I cannot bear the sight of dogs right now; they are almost everywhere I look. I tell that to people, family members, (that I can't deal with seeing, hearing dogs right now) and they still continue to discuss them with me. It is torture. Maybe it sounds wacko, but that's how much I'm hurting. I cannot see myself ever having another dog. I lost 3 dogs before in my life and was depressed by their passing, but I never felt like I could NEVER get another one. I can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. Anyone think this will improve?

Thank you again, moon_beam, for sharing with me about your loss, and for your kind words. God bless you.

LoveThem--

I am so sorry! I meant to address that last post to you! When I was typing it up I scrolled down the page to find your message with your name but didn't see it and thought it was from moon_beam...(BTW thank you also, moon_beam)

hope2heal

Hi Hope2heal, I hear your cries for help here and I want so much for you to be at peace with this. I hope you will get the answers from the vet your looking for. I still think I made the wrong choice. I didn't ask enough, or any for that matter, questions. I never got a second opinion. I only went by her words "I don't think surgery will help him". What does that mean?? I don't THINK. And now its all these whys. Hon, your guilty is perfectly natural. You didn't neglect her. I've had other pets in the past. And when something happened or was wrong with them, I looked upon it as a learning experience for the next time around. (there will be another dog in your life). I was able to do things with Arthur I wasn't able to with the others. And in the future I will do things differently that I didn't do with him, and so. It doesn't lessen the pain of today, but it will help us become better care givers. That article you found could have been a sign from her letting you know she was seriously ill and there wasn't anything anyone could have done to help her, but let her go. Everyday think and concentrate on something she did to make you smile. (by the way, I haven't listened to music in months either I did go to 2 concerts and were miserable at them both)I know it's impossible to let the guilt go completely, but you, me and others here have to little by little push it away and bring in the good memories. It does get better in time. Soon you'll be looking at her pictures and smiling at other dogs. You'll see.. Lots of hugs.. Ann

ann,

Thank you so much for writing and sharing. It's "nice" to know there's someone else feeling similar. It's so hard listening to music. SOmetimes when I am in a store or something comes on TV or the radio that I know somehow will trigger thoughts of Patsy (for some reason it seems to be almost ANYthing), I will either cover my ears if I can't escape it, turn it off or change the channel, or run to another part of the house and busy myself with something noisy, such as laundry! For some reason it seems ANYTHING--any music, even gameshows Patsy watched w/me are triggers. If I want to watch the show I have to mute it. When I have lost other pets and people in my life, this "music phase" typically lasts between 1-2 weeks. It's been over 3 1/2 months already, and it's still with me.

The thing that's gripping me with this is that I believe I KNEW BETTER. I knew something wasn't right. I remember having the thought, 'But we were JUST at the vet!! She tested negative for UTI...' and I feel SO guilty about that. I EVEN thought: what if this is something serious? How could I be lazy and procrastinating with Patsy's symptoms? What kind of love is that for your pet?

I had a "trial" counseling with someone new last night; for the most part I didn't get a lot out of it. But I think this person saw, like I think I'm starting to see, a connection with a kind of fear in speaking with the vet and in speaking w/hubby; both men--please: I mean no offense to the men in this group). I see so many instances where I felt frozen to do or say anything. I keep thinking to myself why didn't I override this? (For example: One time when I wasn't home the vet called to answer a question I left for him re:some herbal supplement. Hubby retrieved that call, and when I came home he told me how he told the vet of how he thinks a lot of these natural remedies are quackery and that everyone he (hubby) ever sees working in a health food store looks very unhealthy. he said the vet laughed (this vet used to tell me he hadn't much knowledge of natural helps--BTW I had tried a holistic vet and she failed us in many ways so I had to leave her..) Anyway I felt disturbed by hubby and vet's shared "laugh"... I don't know if I'm being petty, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Thank you again, ann, for sharing and offering your help. I truly appreciate it.

hope

you wrote:

LoveThem--

I am so sorry! I meant to address that last post to you! When I was typing it up I scrolled down the page to find your message with your name but didn't see it and thought it was from moon_beam...(BTW thank you also, moon_beam)

hope2heal


I saw you were responding to what I said and my story also. I hope I helped you in some way.
I have read the replies you have here, especially the recent one from Ann and I think it might help you to reread what is here. Sometimes when we go back and reread something..we may be in a different frame of mind and notice something that helps that we passed over before. There are so many wise and good suggestions here..I hope they are helping you.

I think sometimes we become so angry at what happened, so upset that it was taken out of our control...that we can turn all those feelings against ourselves. It's like we want to strike out at the horrible disease that took away our special friend...and there is nothing to strike at...so we get upset at ourselves and we forget.....we are not perfect...we are not God....we are not even medically trained...so all we can do is the best we can think of and hopefully get the right guidance from a vet who has training (and even they are not God either...there is a lot they don't know).

I have lost a number of best friends, both canine and feline, in my lifetime and I find the best way I can handle it is to believe when the time comes they have to leave us....that is a battle we will never win. I don't like it but I will accept it because I would rather move on and open my home and heart to another who needs it and I can only do that...by accepting their end is out of my control but I will not give up knowing them because of that fact. It is like all of us..when our time comes...it will not be stopped by anyone. The same with these babies...only they never are set to outlive us. It is just not in our control anymore. If a "what if" made a difference...we would have had the thought and acted on it. If it is their time.....there is no "what if" because nothing would make a difference. I know it is easier to think of "what if" than accepting there wasn't any...but it truly helps us to cope and better heal if we allow ourselves to believe there is a power greater than us...that makes these decisions and we cannot change what is meant to be.

Take care..I do wish you peace and healing. It takes baby steps and it takes a lot of them and a lot of time. Just try to take it one day at a time and work on your feelings....allowing yourself to feel you truly did the best you could for Patsy. I really believe you did under the cir%%stances you have described. I know if the vet could have given you hope...you would have moved heaven and earth to have that hope come true. Acceptance that we have to lose them is the hardest thing of all and it will always be that way.

Judy

If a "what if" made a difference...we would have had the thought and acted on it. If it is their time.....there is no "what if" because nothing would make a difference. I know it is easier to think of "what if" than accepting there wasn't any...but it truly helps us to cope and better heal if we allow ourselves to believe there is a power greater than us...that makes these decisions and we cannot change what is meant to be.

Judy


Love Them--

Thank you for writing once again. My problem is, I DID HAVE "What If" thoughts, and DID NOT act on them! I cannot forgive myself! In the beginning, I hate to say, I think I was feeling lazy. I thought: But we were just at the vet; he said there' no UTI!! He told me urine was highly alkaline but gave no recommendations (WHY DIDN'T I ASK?!!! I did ask if it could be caused by diet, all he said was 'Sometimes.'). I remembered putting cranberry juice in her water once during a UTI and she didn't want it. Someone once suggested capsules to me during that infection but I don't remember if that occurred to me last April. I was so "busy" doing other "me" stuff...typically I would have searched the Internet like mad; I only bothered to looked up kidney failure symtoms; it mentioned excessive drinking and urinating, which she wasn' t doing. I could kick myself for stopping there.

I think I even remember THINKING to myself, Maybe she is dying. My guinea pig was euthanized last year due to cancer, and just before he was diagnosed I remembered his drinking dropped off significantly. With my dog on meds, I think, what the -ell was I thinking, not looking into this more! What about her kidneys? I can't come to terms with how I just seemed to let this slip by, it was as if I was in denial or didn't really care. Could I have been scared to take her in to hear bad news? Every other time, I took her in. Why wouldn't I have wanted to do more for her? How much did I really love my dog? Why didn't I think I could charge any expenses or ask if there was some payment plan at my vet's if I thought hubby would get mad?

Was this meant to happen? Was it meant to be that I would let things slip and my dog probably suffered horribly in silence? It would make it easier if I could believe that, as horrible as that is, it was meant to happen this way. Some people tell me it was, some say not. (One priest actually told me recently it was not... Then other people say everything happens for a reason). I could never get another dog. I cannot trust myself to do right by them. I can't believe I failed that sweet innocent girl. She's an angel. Why couldn't I/didn't I give her my all? I just know I did not. I can't see myself ever getting through this. People keep telling me time will soften it but it's been almost 4 months and I feel the same, guilty as h-ll. I never thought my life would be like this... right now I feel so undeserving of anything good in life, because out of my laziness, denial, fear--I don't know what to call it, my dog has suffered and died. I truly believe it's my fault. I've faxed my dog's med records to a vet whom I'd worked with before; wanted her opinion on what went wrong with Patsy. She was supposed to have gotten back with me this past Thursday. I faxed to her a few weeks back, but then she went on travel, said she faxed back a response to the copy place but I never got it. I think she doesn't want to respond to tell me how horribly my dog suffered, and then I'll know it was indeed my fault.

I haven't come across anyone here that's done something like I have; it seems everyone one else here truly gave their all. I envy everyone else; though I know their loss and suffering is real and intense. But it just seems like everyone else did the best they could. I can't believe I screwed up so badly.

Thanks again for writing, LoveThem...