Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[Furrys Mum]

I am so sorry for your loss, but please believe me when I say that no matter what you had done or not done you would still be feeling this awful guilt. My Furry cat died over 2 years ago now & yet I still torment myself by thinking I should have done more to save her. The "if onlys" haunt me every day, even though with medication she survived for 21 months after she could have died.
There is no way to judge yourself - if you'd arranged for a treatment & she'd still died you would be saying " why did I let them do it?" It is a sad fact that we can't second guess what would have been best. Please don't tear yourself up with guilt. It is a terrible loss, but you loved her & gave her a second chance, a happy & loved 2 1/2 years. Without you she wouldn't have had those happy times & known much love.
Judith

[Chuck]

I agree with everything Judith said. We can't beat ourselves up, I really think you did the best you could. Do try to focus on those wonderful "extra" years you did give your little friend. I hope you can feel better soon.

Chuck

[hope2heal]

I am so sorry for your loss, but please believe me when I say that no matter what you had done or not done you would still be feeling this awful guilt. My Furry cat died over 2 years ago now & yet I still torment myself by thinking I should have done more to save her. The "if onlys" haunt me every day, even though with medication she survived for 21 months after she could have died.
There is no way to judge yourself - if you'd arranged for a treatment & she'd still died you would be saying " why did I let them do it?" It is a sad fact that we can't second guess what would have been best. Please don't tear yourself up with guilt. It is a terrible loss, but you loved her & gave her a second chance, a happy & loved 2 1/2 years. Without you she wouldn't have had those happy times & known much love.
Judith

[hope2heal]

Furrysmom and Chuck,

Thank you for responding. The woman that heads up the support group I go to said to make a list of all the times I think I failed my dog, and the times I think I did good for her; that the "goods" would outweigh the "bads." I started that a month ago and came up even! She tells me to that I have to choose to believe that I didn't (indirectly) kill my dog, but right now I cannot convince myself otherwise.

Patsy never cried or yelped peeing; I thought sometimes she looked to be straining when peeing. She also didn't want to go out as much; though when she would go out she would still run, jump and bark at birds, etc. But in another chat group I'm in I was told that animals will hide their pain very well. It still doesn't help me because my gut just tells me she had stones or a blockage. Right now I can't forgive myself for not going further--HOW COULD I? (And I do know what you mean, had I had a procedure done, maybe it would have caused her harm, even death. I look at it that if I'd further checked things, if she had stones, etc. dietary changes could have been made and she would have recovered, OR I would have put her to sleep sooner so she wouldn't have suffered in silence, while everything in her little system backed up.

In my mind I keep thinking back to that time, and how EASY! it would have been to at least just leave my vet a message (I even THOUGHT of doing that several times! --I had done it before for other things). I find what I did (or should I say did not do) absolutely unacceptable. I imagine someone who murders (and feels remorse) may have these similar feelings...
A family member told me that this was just meant to happen this way--but even if it WAS it still doesn't make me feel better!

Thank you again for caring to respond. I wish you both well too.

[moon_beam]

Hi, hope2heal, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Patsy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with their company. Patsy knows you did the very best you could for her under the cir%%stances of the moment and the information you had at the time. We do not have the gift of foresight, only the benefit of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our guilt when our furbabies predecease us. EVERYONE goes through the guilt stage of grief, hope2heal, so what you are feeling is normal. When I was much younger I had a kitty that I inherited from a family member. The changes I saw in her I thought were due to age - - not illness. She had regular check ups at the vet, and at no point in time did the vets in the practice ever mention to me anything about kidney disease. My mom and I boarded her with the vet when we took a week's vacation, and when I called to make arrangements to pick her up when we got back home, the vet who was on duty told me she nearly died and that I was irresponsible and he might not release her back to me. Needless to say I was devastated, and my mom was very livid. We went to the vet's office, and one of the other vets talked to us. My mom told him what the other vet said to me, and he was upset. He assured me that my kitty's kidney problems were age related but that they could be controlled. With his direction and kind guidance, we had two more years with my kitty. This happened many many many many - - well, many years ago, but that experience has always stayed with me. I have gone on to make other mistakes with other furkids I have had through the years. Our furkids are masters at disguising how they are feeling - - it's a survival method they have inherited from their wild ancestors and cousins. By the time our furkids atart exhibiting noticeable symptoms the illness is usually very advanced and the prognosis not very encouraging. The bottom liine is Patsy knows you love her and did everything in your power that you had at the time to do the very best for her. Another situation I experienced was when I was growing up - - my dad did not believe in taking care of any animals in the household. Vets were, in his opinion, another way to "squander" (his eaxct word) his money. It sounds to me you had pressures that Patsy also understood, and understood the "consequences" of what you might have had to face if you had made different decisions. Since we do not live in a vacuum decisions we make are based on the cir%%stances in which we live at the time. Please know that Patsy does not hold you responsible for what happened, and she most certainly does not want you to feel guilty, for guilt robs us of the joy of the memories we have of the lifetime shared with our furkids, and our furkids want us to be happy. Hope2heal, this grief journey has many different twists and turns, ups and downs, and different levels of intensities. I hope that you will eventually be able to come to a peace in your heart so that you can embrace Patsy's sweet living Spirit that is forever with you - - just in a different dimension. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, hope2heal. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let ud know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hope2heal]

Moon_beam,

Thank you so much for writing. It haunts me though, as I read of your kitty, how you WERE able to get her treatment and she stayed with you much longer.
My gut kept telling me over and over something wasn't right and I kept on dismissing it. I just thought today: WHY, if I was worried about the cost, didn't I just CHARGE IT! Who cares?! Hubby said to me on many occasions (though I always thought he loved Patsy) that 'There's only so much money I'm willing to spend on an animal.' He's the "breadwinner" here, too. I'm sure my parents would have given me money if necessary. It's as if I was so stressed out at the time I couldn't think straight.

I don't think Patsy would want me to be upset either, but I CANNOT stop thinking of what I believe she must have suffered. All day I feel anxiety; once in a while I feel calm. The only peace I have is while sleeping, and while talking with friends who understand. I wish I could talk to someone CONSTANTLY but I know that's not possible, or realistic.

I just can't understand what was so difficult about my making a phone call to the vet; that woulnd't have cost anything...and Patsy has paid with her life.

She was being treated for Demodectic mange at the time too with a heavy duty drug. She was also on an immunosuppressant. WHY didn't I think more seriously about how important drinking water was?? I remember feeling afraid about the situation, yet frozen in doing anything. I had spent money before and "surprised" hubby. Thing that gets me is he's spent THOU$and$ on guitars and his musical hobby, but always complained when I spent nearly anything--and I never did crazy stuff with the money. Sometimes when I bought groceries he even complained about the price of that. I'd Say: "It's FOOD, not jewelry and makeup!"

I just feel as if this is never going to soften. I feel responsible for an innocent life. I miss her so much.

[Jon730]

Maybe that no matter what we do, no matter how promptly we treated, the friend is gone. Nothing we ever did will have, looking back, been good enough.
We can all remember, if we try hard enough, all the little clues that we missed that all was not well.

What is, is. Do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself, because it is already horrible enough. Probably, you are not a vet, so why demand that of yourself? It is not fair.

For example, I could blame myself for not watching that innocent little lump on Miles' chest carefully enough, before it turned into the metastatic cancer that killed her. I can dig back thirty years, if I really want to be miserable, and blame myself for feeding Sheva dry food that gave him kidney failure. I can go back fifteen years to not being forceful enough about Matilda the Aussie Terrier's penchant for eating Amanita Mushrooms. And on and on. It does not do our friends any good and it does not do ourselves any good.

Often in a loss, we need to blame someone, so we can shift the misery and convert it to outrage. But beating someone up, even if it is ourselves, does no good at all, and prolongs and worsens the pain. How many people on here must surely have gone through the "If Only" stage? I bet it is common. So recognize it for what it is, and don't go there. Our friends gave 100% of their lives to make us HAPPY. Honor their spirit by letting them continue to do it as long as we live and remember them.

[hope2heal]

John,

Thank you for writing. Really, I do know where you are coming from but just can't get past thinking of how my dog must have suffered. I SAW changes in her, but didn't act past getting checked for the UTI. I NEVER did something like that before; was always on top of things. I suppose I didn't think she was really going to die... Then there's a part of me that thinks: DID I? and I just got lazy, tired of fighting all the illnesses? Then I see my dog's pictures and think, NO!!! I couldn't have wanted that!!!! I know that must sound bizarre.

I don't want to be miserable; would be wonderful if I could just turn off a switch and make it go away. If only the part of my brain that's causing the torturing thoughts of her suffering could be switched off, I could begin to move ahead!!!

I get saddened when I see a BUG dying, so I am struggling with how I questioned if my dog was in discomfort and basically decided to ignore it! Doesn't make sense.

[MeeksMom]

No one thinks you are a horrible person. The reason you are having such a hard time over this is proof you are not. Everyone of us would do something different if given the chance, but it is all hindsight. Try to find your own peace. It is what we are all trying to find. You gave your dog a family - other pets, kids, other companions. Sounds like she had a great life and was content. Where you failed to give attention, others did. My story is long, but maybe it can help someone.

A few days after I put my dog down just last week in the emergency clinic, I stopped at the local vet to let them know that Meeks passed. The vet assistant asked what happened. I told the assistant that after the emergency clinic evaluated her over 26 hours, with an ultrasound they found her stomach lining was inlarged to the point that it was blocking passage to the intestinal tract. Meeks was unable to eat or drink. They felt it was cancer because she wasn't responding to the IV antibiotics and there were several lymph nodes that were enlarged. To verify the diagnoses would mean that they would need to operate to biopsy. I opted to put her down. The vet assistant responded,"Why didn't you do the surgery?" I started to cry hard and felt horrible. It was a reasonable question but the guilt creeped in. I walked out of there thinking, I was a monster. All I could choke out as an excuse was she was so weak and I didn't think she would make it and it was so expensive. The reason I chose to euthanize Meeks was because I witnessed close family members pass with terminal illness. My father thought he needed a vacation, and while at his destination was diagnosed with terminal cancer. If people rationalize life-threatening illness as a cold, or feeling rundown, or just need a break, while failing to see what is happening to their body, how could I adequately care for a senior (12.5 years old) dog who is unable to communicate her wellbeing? The symptoms could easily be justified as a old age, or recovery, or being blind? Animals can mask symptoms. I worried that I would be putting her through this pain and discomfort from surgery and ongoing illness, all so that I would have a few more monthes with her. I'm not sure if I did what is right or wrong and will never know. If I thought money could have fixed the situation, like you I would have found it.

To add background if history helps, on an earlier weekend (previous 5 weeks) I noticed my dog couldn't see all of a sudden. She had a large cataract on that eye. She lost one eye due to uveitis, diagnosed over 5 years earlier. I took the dog to the emergency clinic . She was diagnosed with glacoma and medicated. On the 2nd exam the vet said that the drugs weren't working and eye separated from the optic nerve. I went back to my local vet to remove the second eye within the week. All necessary tests/exams of the health of the dog was performed before the surgery. After the surgery there was a small complication where Meeks had issues with eating because of a hematoma that caused swelling in her face. Over the next few of weeks, she was doing much better with 3 visits/reviews by the vet. On one of those revisits to the vet I discussed putting Meeks in a recommended kennel (by the vet) for 2 weeks for a planned vacation. I was hesitant because it was so soon after the surgery but she was doing well. I hadn't vacationed in 2 years and needed to get away. I called the kennel while away, the kennel said she wasn't eating well but that was to expected. We were seldom apart. When I returned from the vacation the dog was in horrible shape. She was unable to eat or drink without vomitting. She was weak and dehydrated. At the beginning of the month she weighted 30 lbs and was down to 22lbs. To say I was overcome with guilt would be an understatement. Why did I go on vacation so soon after her surgery? Why vacation, my family hasn't had good luck on them (bad joke but it is my story so I think I can say it if I can make someone laugh). Why didn't I do more after the loss of appetite after complication from the surgery? She didn't lose all 8lbs in the 2 weeks in the kennel, I missed something.

When I first got my dog Meeks, like a lot of you, I got her from a shelter. The shelter was advertising beagle pups and when I walked into the pen area to view them, a medium brown dog began to bark, jumping and crashing into the door of the pen. There were people in the area also, so I thought all the visitors was disturbing the dog. As I left the room the dog quieted. 3 or 4 times I enterd and left the area because of the commotion of this dog. Each time I returned to the pen area, even though there were others reviewing dogs, the dog re-acted. I left with that dog. She picked me. She was 2 years old. I didn't know her fur was black until I had her about a month. The fact that she was untrained was errelevant because she never left my side. I saved her life that day and then twice after with the eye surgeries and let her pick her owner, but yet all that is currently overshaddowed with the feeling that I let her down this last time. You can't experience that bond and not ache over losing it, no matter what the situation.

[Jon730]

John,

Thank you for writing. Really, I do know where you are coming from but just can't get past thinking of how my dog must have suffered. I SAW changes in her, but didn't act past getting checked for the UTI. I NEVER did something like that before; was always on top of things. I suppose I didn't think she was really going to die... Then there's a part of me that thinks: DID I? and I just got lazy, tired of fighting all the illnesses? Then I see my dog's pictures and think, NO!!! I couldn't have wanted that!!!! I know that must sound bizarre.

I know. it is easy from someone to write what we SHOULD do. If you want to see how badly I could not follow my own advice, check out the Miles thread below while it was going on and you will see I felt the same way. We all know intellectually the way we should be thinking about it, but when in the despair of a loss, it seems so stupid when someone says something like "Think happy thoughts", and all the other garbage we have to hear from well-meaning but clumsy people.

Nobody could dig me out of my mood, either, except time and my new friend, and even now I have very bad moments about Miles.

[hope2heal]

Dear MeeksMom,

Thank you for writing and sharing Meeks' story. I am so sorry to hear of her passing. You and she had been through so much. I love the way you told of how she picked you...

I find it just beautiful how others here who have so recently suffered a loss are tyring to console me. It's been 3 months for me, though it may as well have been yesterday. The loss is so fresh for you, Meeksmom; it's amazing how you are able to give of yourself and try to help others.

I know this may not make you feel better, but I think you made the right decision. It probably sounds crazy, but I feel like I wish I could switch places with any of you--not in any way to belittle anyone's loss or to think that their suffering or grief is any less than mine--because I know it isn't. It's just because to me it still seems that everyone else made the right decisions with their animal--even when I read how they go through the Woulda Coulda Shoulda's. At least they further looked into things, unlike me. I still can't believe I did that. I guess I didn't think she was going to die...? I find what I did/did not do so unacceptable. Right now it hurts for me to see ANY animals, or to hear people talk about them. I feel like I'm undeserving of another animal's love.

Again MeeksMom, thank you for writing. I can see how much you and Meeks have loved each other. I believe she knows you did what you thought was best for her.

[moon_beam]

Hi, hope2heal, we never want to think of our furkids as being ill. Two years ago my 6-year-old number one kitty son Eli was becoming fussy eating, but it was during the very hot part of the summer. He was still eating, but was finicky. At first I figured it was part of his personality - - nothing new. As the days wore on I would watch him eat and I wondered if he had a tooth that was going bad. He didn't seem to be in pain when he ate, but I noted this to talk to the vet about it because it was getting close to his annual physical. Finances were still a bit tight, so I waited until I had enough funds budgeted to take him to the vet. I was not prepared for what happened: The vet recommended x-rays which showed a mass in his abdomen that required emergency surgery the following day, which brought the news through a pathology report of End Stage Lymphoma. What if I had taken him in sooner - - etc. etc. etc.. I was totally consumed with guilt. But the vet told me that the few weeks I waited would not have made any difference, and his blood tests all came back normal. If I had taken him in sooner and they ran the blood panel with the tests coming back negative the vet said they probably would not have done x-rays at that time since he wasn't running a fever and had no other specific symptoms. So, you see, hope2heal, there are no guarantees, unfortunately. Of course it breaks our heart because they are dependent upon us for their care - - but we are not omnipotent - - we are mere mortals with limitations. My mom and I were on our own. My mom finally found the courage to leave an abusive spouse, who was not only abusive to my little kitty but to my mom and to me, and although we were both working, we were living on a shoe string budget. My little kitty got the best of care we could give her according to our financial means. My mom and I did without things many times in order to give my kitty the medical care she needed. We do the best we can at any given time, and our furkids KNOW this. Patsy loves you for the care and comfort you gave her, and does not hold you responsible for her illness and death. I know it is going to take you some time to work through the guilt, hope2heal, and we are here to help you in any way we possibly can. Hold on to the love you and Patsy shared, hope2heal, and hopefully eventually this will bring a comfort to your heart and mind and soul. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hope2heal]

Sorry I'm back so soon, Moon_beam, but the guilt is intensifying this evening!

I can remember when I suspected Patsy wasn't peeing/drinking as much... Months back, during her other UTIs and I believe a couple months out of hospital when she relapsed with Thrombocytopenia (in May 07 I think), I voiced my concern in an online chat support group I belonged to for people with Auto Immune dogs about her condition...even one time, as I look back in the posts I specifically said I was concerned she was drinking less (back in May 07 I believe). I remember group members telling me, Make sure she stays hydrated...add gravy or some juice in her water to make it interesting.

Well back in the Spring (08) when I was pretty sure her drinking dropped off, one day I was getting ready to go out somewhere. I saw a big bottle of apple juice on the floor of the pantry, which was right near her water bowl. I thought of opening it up to pour some in to get her to drink and then thought, no, no one else in the family will be finishing this big bottle off, why open it. I also still have a can of mushroom gravy I considered adding (a teaspoon or so) to her water. Now I think back and think: SO WHAT if Patsy would be the only one drinking the darn juice! How LAZY and thoughtless of me! WHAT was more important at the time?! I still have that apple juice and gravy "haunting" me; I have to donate it somewhere as I can't stand looking at them; it torments me. Why couldn't I do more for my girl? (I almost can't even call her "my girl" anymore as I feel so guilty; I just think of her as God's, which she is. He loaned her to me and I let her down.)

I EVEN remember thinking (lightbulb moment), Perhaps she's not drinking as much because it hurts to pee or something. I did have her checked for the UTI, negative. Something inside of me was still telling me, Hey, something's not right here and I STILL continued to ignore it, or excuse it. I HAD THE THOUGHT THAT A BLOCKAGE COULD EXIST. For entertaining the thought and then dismissing that I just can't seem to forgive myself. I feel like a low life, that I just let her die. Every day I ask God and Patsy to forgive me. I just can't imagine getting out of this guilt rut.

Thank you for sharing again, Moon_beam. I'm sure that must have been so devastating for you, with your cat...

[hope2heal]

And Moon_beam, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. That means a lot.

[MeeksMom]

Dear MeeksMom,

Thank you for writing and sharing Meeks' story. I am so sorry to hear of her passing. You and she had been through so much. I love the way you told of how she picked you...

I find it just beautiful how others here who have so recently suffered a loss are tyring to console me. It's been 3 months for me, though it may as well have been yesterday. The loss is so fresh for you, Meeksmom; it's amazing how you are able to give of yourself and try to help others.

I know this may not make you feel better, but I think you made the right decision. It probably sounds crazy, but I feel like I wish I could switch places with any of you--not in any way to belittle anyone's loss or to think that their suffering or grief is any less than mine--because I know it isn't. It's just because to me it still seems that everyone else made the right decisions with their animal--even when I read how they go through the Woulda Coulda Shoulda's. At least they further looked into things, unlike me. I still can't believe I did that. I guess I didn't think she was going to die...? I find what I did/did not do so unacceptable. Right now it hurts for me to see ANY animals, or to hear people talk about them. I feel like I'm undeserving of another animal's love.

Again MeeksMom, thank you for writing. I can see how much you and Meeks have loved each other. I believe she knows you did what you thought was best for her.

Thanks for understanding my decision. I do appreciate it. If you can understand why I made the decision I made, why can't you forgive yourself? Our stories are very simular - senior dogs with serious health problems. I don't know about you but I always felt that where there is life there is hope, however with animals there is constant indecision as they age. There are hundreds of complicated due to organ failure or deminished capacity. With Meeks, although I only discussed the eye surgery there were issues with her kidneys starting to fail and tests for diabetes, she was also starting to develop Cushings, then the lower energy and sleeping more, makes it harder to read. An aging dog makes you more forgiving when they don't behave as they did when they were younger. I would like to say it wears you down, but I don't think that is entirely true. You do want to keep them with you, however it does makes you doubt or second guess the situation. Saying that when the shoe hits the floor, the guilt is hard. Try to give yourself some peace.

[ann]

I'm so sorry you lost your Patsy. Please don't feel guilty. I know easier said than done. I don't think there is anyone here who hasn't felt it at one time or another. You mentioned in your post about you catching grief from your spouse about vet bills. You felt it had influence on you. Also you were concerned about the juice and what the others may think. And you said your marriage seem strained. That is a lot on your plate. I feel you did the best you could with Patsy. You got her help, meds, tested. You know what would be so great, if they could just tell us. When our Arthur came home hurt that day, my partner Dave didn't know what to do. He was so afraid to pick him up. By the time I got there and took him to the hospital 7hrs had passed. The guilt ripped him apart for not taking him in sooner and just watched him in pain. When he got there he was in shock. It didn't matter, his damage was to severe to fix. How could any of us really know how truely sick they are. Arthur wasn't feeling well one day so I took him to the vet. Dave made a comment about me taking him in every time he sneezes, and what people say to us sticks in the back of our minds. I'm thinking, oh god, food poisiong, he's thinking nothing. I think you did your best, from what I've read the vet nor the hospital didn't seem too concern at first, so really, how were you to know. I try to look upon these life events as learning lessons for the next time around. I know all too well how tightly guilt grips us. There have been many here who have posted links about that very subject. I try to read as many as I can. I hope they will help heal. My thoughts are with you.. Hugs.. Ann

[hope2heal]

Dear Jon,

I looked at the Miles thread (if I indeed was looking at the correct one), but couldn't find an example of what I thought you were referring to-- guilt-? (I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your words). It seemed on the post you were able to share so many happy memories of life with your cat. I would love to be able to do that, but because of my guilty feelings, I cannot. When Patsy first died I was ready to jump into making a photo album. Then as the days and weeks went on, I see how I really kept dismissing her behavior/symptoms and put off contacting the vet. I just can't believe I did that. Perhaps she would have passed away anyway but I honestly believe if I'd taken her in earlier I could have gotten an accurate diagnosis, help, or if she could not have been helped I could have put her out of her suffering so much sooner.

The hospital DX was Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia, but I think they said that she could have had cancer or maybe even kidney failure... I never even mentioned to them about the drinking/urinating; I was so upset at the time I didn't even think of it.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos or think of all the ways she was so wonderful, because I honestly feel like I helped put her in her grave. Our family is not poor (not millionaires either). But why didn't I just use a credit card and take the poor dog in? I know no one can answer this. My gut kept telling me something was amiss.

Thanks for writing.

[hope2heal]

Thank you for writing, Ann.

I'm so sorry to hear about Arthur. That must have been a horrible experience. Similarly to you, my hubby always thought I overreacted with my dog. In the last couple weeks, my gut was telling me something wasn't right, but I ignored it.

Just don't know if I'll ever get past this. Thanks for caring enough to write.

[moon_beam]

Hi, hope2heal, I wish there were some magic words I could say to you that would help ease your feelings of guilt. Everyone's grief journey is different, even though we share the bottom line - - the loss of our beloved companions. Sometimes we need to make a conscious effort to force ourselves to block the feelings of guilt. When we begin to feel guilty deliberately replace the negative guilty feelings with POSITIVE good memories, and become so repetitive about this that eventually we can embrace the healing and the sweet living Spirit of our furkids as they live on in our hearts and memories. Prolonged guilt can induce clinical depression which only intensifies the guilty feelings, prolongs the healing journey from our loss, and can inflict physical illness. Patsy does not want you becoming ill from her passing, hope2heal. Donate the apple juice and gravy to the local food pantry so that you are not constantly having to look at them. Patsy wants you to remember her with a happy heart, and this can only be done through a positive resolution with the grief and guilt you are feeling. We become the living legacy of our furkids when they predecease us. And because their lives are shorter than ours, we must continue to live our lives in a way that will honor their memory and the many infinite blessings they brought to us during their journey with us on this side of eternity. Believe me, hope2heal, I do understand how difficult it is to face another day when all the days are the same - - entrenched in deep sorrow and wondering "why didn't I" - - And this is why it is so important to force ourselves to focus on the positive memories so that eventually they become the "norm" instead of the deep sorrow and grief and guilt. So, I say again, hold onto the love you and Pastsy shared with all your strength, hope2heal. You are worthy of the good memories you shared during your journey together. You are worthy of letting go of the guilt and the anger you are feeling about yourself so that Patsy's sweet living Spirit can fill your heart now as you adjust to the transition in your relationship with her. Please try to find some comfort in the experiences everyone shares with you so that you can begin to see you did the very best you could under the cir%%stances of the moment. Remember - - there is sugar in apple juice - - which would have given your Patsy diarrhea. The gravy may have been too rich for her digestive system and could have made her very ill. You did NOT induce your Patsy's death, and you did NOT fail her. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hope2heal, please know you are NOT alone in your grief journey, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam